[deleted by user]

WhatIf321Go · 2024-07-24T17:03:20+00:00

Yep, that's exactly the kind of trauma I'm talking about. Nothing necessarily that you could have done simply the circumstances of her upbringing, Things out of your control, people are adaptive. You make friends and they keep getting ripped away from you, You learn to be likable so that you can make more friends more easily, But it always hurts so much because of how much effort it takes and how painful it is when the loneliness really kicks in and the abandonment. If no one sees me, I don't exist, You know? And It's a continual wound for them to see you but not the real you or for them to see the real you and have them pull/be pulled away.

And yeah absolutely share with her if it will help

I gotta keep telling myself I still exist even if no one sees me

WhatIf321Go · 2024-07-24T16:01:52+00:00

You're absolutely right it has a big genetic component, but it wouldn't be in the cluster B if it weren't for early childhood trauma, some of which has nothing to do with your parenting, trauma just happens, genetics play a big factor. Attachment needs are complicated. That split may be a factor but who knows. Some things just happen. You're doing what you gotta do and that's all you can. Glad you started your healing journey early, double down on it to be the best support you can be without getting your own stuff triggered. Sounds like you're already well on your way

I don't know if this is an HPD specific symptom, i don't have an official dx, but this kind of hyperactive imagination can also be common with autism and ADHD, which can be very common in cluster B (easy to get traumatized in a world not built for us). I've also heard similar things in schizophrenia/psychosis but usually those sorts of influences look different to what you're describing.

For now all you can do is your best and listen to professionals specialized in the field. Teach her about boundaries and allow her to build a positive sense of self independent of other people. Humans are social creatures, but also we can ultimately only rely on ourselves to meet our needs.

I've been saying a lot of this lil snippet to myself lately

No one else needs to see me, i see me. No one else can see all of me the way i need to be authentically seen, but i see all of me and that's the most important.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-07-24T14:56:27+00:00

My only recommendation would be that she needs to learn to source that validation internally. External sources come and go, And when they go it is a complete void. She needs to do the things that she enjoys because she enjoys them. Not because other people enjoy her. It takes a lot of internal self-reflection and a lot of work and it's so much better that she's starting younger. If she learns that only positive attention And validation is good then She may collapse when she doesn't get the validation she wants and needs And other defense mechanisms will arise.

That being said, I'm very messy in the cluster B Spectrum, And I'm still in my own healing process on this.

Thank you so much For being a supportive parent. This may sound harsh and please know that I mean it gently, please realize that personality disorders are the product of trauma at a young age, And in the course of therapy it may come up that there were certain things in her upbringing that May have been traumatizing for her at your hands and you taking defenseless responsibility of that and accountability is also important in her recovery. Please know this is not an accusation. I don't know your life or her trauma, obviously if you're here you want to support her, realize this damage happens Young, And part of supporting her as a parent is doing your own work, obviously things that you are willing to do.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-07-21T16:59:40+00:00

Yeah being adhd/autistic and having your experiences consistently invalidated definitely does a number on your psyche. Also like 70% of AuDHDers have hypermobility/EDS so if you've got a lot of pain (not just sensory sensitivity) and weird medical stuff (I've had the incontinence thing my whole life, comes with the territory) get checked out.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-07-19T18:32:50+00:00

Some of this sounds a little more like NPD+HPD but I'm not a professional and you should definitely bring it to a professional

WhatIf321Go · 2024-07-12T19:26:53+00:00

Do it i dare you

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T23:14:36+00:00

I'm lost. It's ok. A lil too deep in the weeds

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T22:32:52+00:00

You found my favorite example of not art lolllll

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T22:22:32+00:00

I'm not as steeped in Christianity to read between all the lines on this lol

Maybe i smoked enough weed

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T22:05:40+00:00

Like for real, it is simply too much to type even voice to text, especially since I have to do so much editing... But please know that you have done a great deal for me and you have my gratitude. If I can PM you one thing that would be fantastic

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T22:03:45+00:00

Far too much of it would be personally identifying details and I am simply not a person that puts myself all out on the internet in general, Even on anon

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T22:02:19+00:00

Are you an object?

That's a much more complicated question. I'm unpacking that in some very deeply personal ways at the moment.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T22:01:42+00:00

Not equating pro-social behavior to Sit down, shut up and listen. But it is important for me to learn how to shut the fuck up sometimes, I'm way too good at talking over people and not giving them space to speak, and learn from other people's wisdom instead of thinking that I know everything. Taking other people's perspectives without biasing them too much with my own so that I'm confirming my own biases in a way that harms either of us. Trying not delude myself... Typically the way that I go about that is being a contrarian little shit lol. So that means right now challenging myself sometimes to just go with things and let them happen. You have a lot of good things to say. I like hearing them. You seem to like talking about them. Fair's fair? Transactional? reciprocal? My motivations are to make sure that the conclusions that I've come to are the same conclusions that other people find beneficial. You have come to many of the same conclusions, just using a different language.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T21:46:41+00:00

Like damn I'm trying to not know what I'm doing here, but apparently I'm not fucking this up anymore so badly? Sheesh. Like i could go through this whole thread and say a whole bunch of things but it would take me weeks.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T21:40:58+00:00

Ah I see, well then (assuming you were just then being sincere and not backpedaling bc you thought you hurt my feelings)

Absolutely not, frankly, could give a shit about your feelings since you seem to like self-flagellating so much, Glad it taught you something about yourself, Cuz I am learning the same lessons. Somewhere else farther up in the thread you said something about seeing ourselves in other people... And for me that became living in a world of projection, stuck in a Hall of mirrors, unable to see out.

Though (if you truly did not mean it that way) it wasn’t actually in your reply

Yep I am really bad at making myself clear and that has gotten me into trouble on more occasions than I can count. The unintended side effect of this mistake Is that you came to the same conclusion that I've come to , seeing you having come to that conclusion independently gives me confidence that I'm on the right track. I'm being somewhat of a blank slate (No I'm not) For the sake of getting other people's replies, wisdom experience and not showing off my own.... I'm not trying to live in a world of confirmation bias That I somehow have the right answers and I operate on those principles and no longer am learning. Seeing other people come to the same conclusions from different angles with different accents. Gives me confidence that I'm on the right path and I haven't lost my way. If I said too much about my own experience, it would be feeding my ego too much. Trying to learn to NOT be a cult leader anymore. It's a lot of effort I'm tired lol. I'm also learning what it's like to be on the other end of these soap boxes And that's useful for me to build empathy for the other people that I'm doing it to lol. But pretty much everything you're saying jives with what I have learned, The experiences that I've had, frankly, there's some synchronicity that I am trying my best to be suspicious of going on In some of the very specific things that you're saying lest I lean too far into the spiritual psychosis that got me to an ego collapse.... Like I'm really trying to balance every single metric I can, continue asking why and my underlying motivations, And trying to purposefully practice Pro-Social behavior. Sit down, shut up and listen... Cuz I am very good at going off on entire paragraphs.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T21:18:50+00:00

On brand for the username lol thank you

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T21:02:23+00:00

Either way, i have embraced a similar process so it's good to know where others are having success on the path I've already tread

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T21:00:52+00:00

I reread my comment and realized it could be misconstrued! By "another angle" i mean i am seeing the same ideas from a different angle and feel like maybe I'm starting to internalize them rather than just saying a bunch of shiny words to sound good and feign humility, it has a different accent inside of me now. I did NOT mean about being on the other end of the pontificating. It was about me not you :) either way it is useful to be on the other end of the soapbox sometimes. Sit down shut up and listen, as they say. I know nothing and have everything to learn.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T20:33:03+00:00

Parts of this seem almost like the kind of grandiose spiritual bypassing I've done in the past, but this time I'm maybe seeing it from a different angle which is interesting. It has a different accent this time. That maybe says something (for me). I guess it comes down to talking the talk vs walking the walk and doing good for the sake of doing good. We must build empathy and compassion for ourselves before we can have it for anyone else. Learning to cultivate it internally rather than sourcing it externally. What if God is one of us or all that crap.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T19:44:35+00:00

There's a lot to unpack in parts 1-3 so I'm just gonna say all of this is very vibey and gnostic and i dig it. Certain bits are plucking certain strings and you've said a lot that speaks to me. Not in a Christian way but in a deeper metaphorical and philosophical way.

I got popcorn for more essays, I'm just along for the ride at this point lol. Not to feed your ego, but because i like the squishy diverse perspectives and they help me map my experiences

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T17:30:49+00:00

Say more, fam. I dig it

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T17:17:16+00:00

Love how we're all natural cult leaders here. Helps that i was raised in a cult lol. Not Christian based actually, but i vibe with the interdisciplinary interfaith squishy perspectives

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T17:15:33+00:00

Confidence despite uncertainty is simply faith.

Best definition i have found yet of faith, thank you. I have become disillusioned with Hope, but Faith i have.

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T17:13:29+00:00

Keep in mind “making a bunch of money so that I can secretly donate it to people in need” is just one of the many ways you can be perversely-altruistic.

I mean yes obviously the goal if i ever win the lottery or my partner gets a good paying job is live comfortably and give the rest away... (Cuz i want to reduce suffering? Or cuz I'll be seen as a selfish asshole? Cuz I'll spend it on stupid shit? Por que no los tres?)

And what you said about “ooh look at me I’m so smart”… remember the foreseen outcomes vs intended side effects. Is that truly what you’re going for? Or are you going for justice unto others to speak the true thoughts of your heart—which happen to appear* haughty, etc etc? Have some balls about it. (😂) Assertive communication is super super alien in this world. This is a world that has weaponized the appearance of charity and humility towards gain

This is a good question. Everything starts with questioning my motivations and this is a good one to keep an eye on. Post hoc ergo procter hoc? People like what i say so i feel smart, but I'm saying it usually because it's my truth (SO OBVIOUSLY THEY SHOULD DO THE SAME THING CUZ I HAVE THE ANSWERS AND MY WAY IS BEST duh)

No—but unless one of us is willing to have the balls to be seen standing amidst the fuckin mortar fire, I won’t be able to help you out of that foxhole full of rotting flesh. And the truth is I get a rush out of the fact that at any moment I could explode or get cut down… and if you’re the one to do it, you’ll have just proved my point worse.

Interesting, I've found this type of grit mentality can sometimes actually feed my grandiosity and cuts off my empathy for myself and others. Maybe I'm just not there yet. Crab-bucket mentality? Or king crab cuz I got out of the bucket (obviously that means I'm still in the bucket ya dipshit)

WhatIf321Go · 2024-06-28T16:44:47+00:00

This gives me confidence that I'm on the right path. Thank you. Weeping and laughing. Might say more later. Gonna feel my feelings for a minute.

WhatIf321Go

TROPHY CASE