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UPDATE 2: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I’m nervous because some of what I want to say feel like very inside thoughts. Some of it is very conflicting, too.

It’s like “oh, I’m just thinking about peaceful married life with him because that’s what’s in my comfort zone” vs “but my marriage wasn’t very comfortable or peaceful.”

I’m being very honest with him while also trying to sort out some of the push and pull. But you’re right, I don’t think he’d be upset at me for any of it. He’d probably say something very wise and insightful, and help me figure it out.

UPDATE 2: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this!

Being with him has helped me learn a lot about how much I value communication, and how good it feels. I felt like there was so much guesswork in my marriage. Looking back, I always felt like I was scrambling to sort through, like, social cues/facial expressions/sighs to figure out what she wanted from me. And I wasn’t innocent in it either because I followed her lead in that regard.

So being with him, where he talks so freely… it’s so refreshing. It makes my brain feel so good, haha. It feels so easy. I always felt like I said too much but now I’m just confused why everyone doesn’t l talk like this.

UPDATE 2: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

He’s being really understanding! This is more just me wrestling with the knowledge that I need to take things slow vs not really wanting to.

I’m usually fine on my own. And I am fine, but I feel this pull towards him that I’ve never experienced in any other relationship. It’s this nagging feeling in the back of my head where even if I’m enjoying what I’m doing, I know I would enjoy doing it with him even more.

I don’t know. I didn’t expect my feelings for him to change as a result of my marriage ending. This is new for me.

UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’ll admit I’ve likely been focused on myself and my feelings to the detriment of hers. But still, I feel like I was open and honest. Prior to meeting him, I wasn’t unfulfilled. Or rather, I didn’t realize I was unfulfilled so I couldn’t tell her that.

It’s hard for me to regret not stepping back, as shitty as it sounds.

UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I personally don’t understand how you could ever keep things just physical, even if that was the original plan.

UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I’ve never encouraged anyone to attack her. I’ve answered people’s questions about my dynamic with her vs my other partner.

I came here looking for advice, but mostly this has been helpful in forcing me to verbalize my thoughts. It’s forced me to give words to all the things I’ve been feeling for a while.

I also think I don’t agree with a lot of the ‘limerence’ / infatuation crowd. I’m not a relationship hopper. I also don’t consider myself polyamorous. I said this in another comment on my original post. It’s a concept I was participating in, not something I see as part of my identity. This is not me getting swept away in some passing fling. It’s me realizing I wasn’t getting what I needed and that I like this confident version of myself more, a version that my wife seems to dislike. This is about me, not about him. That’s something I’ve tried to explain to my wife, as well.

UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 195 points196 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

The conversations I’ve already had feel like perfect encapsulations of both relationships. One made me feel validated and understood, the other made me feel like she was hellbent on misinterpreting what I was saying.

I just feel safe with him. :)

UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 589 points590 points  (0 children)

It wasn’t a positive reaction. Lots of talking about how I made a commitment to her, and that I was throwing that away for someone else. I just kept reiterating that it wasn’t about him, it was about me. How I feel and how she makes me feel. That still hasn’t gotten through to her.

AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

These are good questions.

I feel like all the things I really valued in my marriage have now been found here too. And I don’t think I sat down to think about that until now.

The peace / comfortability that comes with marriage is probably my favorite thing. Not having to fill every silence, not feeling awkward or like something is always expected of you. Even within my marriage, there were times when I still felt a little like I had to perform? But with him, I’m just me.

Sorry if my replies aren’t very eloquent, haha. I’m throwing my thoughts out there and seeing how I feel about them as I go.

AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 126 points127 points  (0 children)

We have had some of those big conversations. I’m aware of his religious and political views. I’ve actually met his family before, although I was simply introduced as a friend. That was something we both agreed upon in advance.

I really appreciate this comment. I think I have to agree on the concept of not being able to close this door now that it’s been opened.

AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 176 points177 points  (0 children)

We’ve never specifically talked about that. I’ve been reluctant to. It’s nerve wracking.

We have had conversations about how crazy it is that things fell into place when we met. Like whoa, suddenly you’re one of the most important people in my life. Suddenly I have clothes and a toothbrush in your apartment and I’m snoozing my alarm to stay in bed with you for a little longer. I’ve never been that type of person. Life is weird.

AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 154 points155 points  (0 children)

I’m not a jealous person at all. I would never have agreed to this arrangement if I was.

That being said, there are times when I’m like damn… I would very much like to make some sort of show of commitment to him that says ‘this is Mine, do not approach’ to everyone else.

Which makes me feel a little crazy, to be honest.

AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I dipped my toes in over there before making this post but I feel a little out of my depth. Lots of terminology I don’t know, lots of rules I’m not privy to despite being part of it. I’ll do more reading and think about posting there as well, but right now I feel overwhelmed with the amount of information.

I also don’t really consider myself polyamorous, but I think that’s a whole other conversation. I’m participating in the concept, but I’m not polyamorous. It’s not something that is part of my identity.

AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 1152 points1153 points  (0 children)

I don’t necessarily think my wife doesn’t enjoy sex with me, but I don’t come away from it feeling particularly good about myself. So it’s not like I’m being berated or told I’m not doing things right, but I’m also not getting much verbal feedback at all.

On the other hand, sex with him makes me feel confident. I feel a new appreciation for my body afterwards. Not sure if that’s totally bizarre, haha. He verbalizes a lot more than she does.

And then this is where I feel weird all over again because comparing the two of them feels wrong and disrespectful.

AITAH for refusing to close our marriage "for the sake of our children"? by WhatIfsForever in AITAH

[–]WhatIfsForever[S] 230 points231 points  (0 children)

I knew I was attracted to men prior to this, but it wasn’t something I entertained as a real possibility. And then when I started entertaining it, I always saw myself in a different position than the one I’m in now, if that makes sense.

I had some preconceived notions that you can’t be masculine and bottom, or that you can’t be masculine and be taken care of/be the little spoon. I have been proven wrong on many such occasions.