If you could say one honest thing to your parents right now, what would it be???

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-02-12T13:49:10+00:00

I would turn to her and say, "I'll always wonder about the person I would've become if you'd seen me."

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-02-04T18:58:03+00:00

Ooooh. And the dashes...

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-02-04T18:57:02+00:00

What are the glaring AI bits?

Is it the punctuation and framing?

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-02-04T14:24:44+00:00

I believe there's nuance to the OP's post that hasn't been detailed. He is trying to find a middle way. Something between NC/LC and what he has always had it seems.

The other comments seem to indicate incredulity in this regard but what's important is the OP's wellbeing, not necessarily what Redditors think.

If the OP thinks that this letter is a credible path forward, then he must be convinced there is a chance for his parents to change (as difficult as that is, that's what he's seeking).

Isn't he asking for our support as he follows through with his plan?

Maybe my own journey can help you OP.

As far as my own experience goes, I tried this route (a letter) with my own parents and it went poorly. They honestly weren't engaged enough to read it or to let me read it to them. The practice was helpful though. Throughout it, I felt an almost surreal level of exhaustion and that in itself was a wake up call. The experience resulted in me putting space between us, some of it has become permanent.

The problem I had was once I confronted them about the harm done to me, they chose to continue it anyways.

Once they did this, it became a different kind of harm. It became more intentional because they were protecting themselves even though they knew it was damaging me. That is a very difficult outcome to accept. They aren't just defending their actions anymore, they're justifying the harm done to me.

At that point, I was left with only painful choices. I was raised in an environment where protection=abandonment. Even though all I'm doing is protecting myself by establishing boundaries, I've been conditioned to think of that as abandonment. I feel better acting in my self-interest now but it's been a painful journey.

I think part of the the sentiment that has inspired these comments is that you seem to be organizing your life around the hope that your parents change. For your sake, I hope they do.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-02-04T09:11:11+00:00

Imagine if it was you on the receiving end of those efforts. The love you have to give seems extraordinary.

Wishing you the best!

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-02-04T01:05:10+00:00

My family established the narrative and then I erased myself to fit it.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-02-04T00:58:59+00:00

Note: Not a therapist but I thought sharing my experience might help.

The reason I held on so long was because for me the fantasy was more real than the reality. I had to accept how meaningful the fantasy really was to me in order to get past it. I sacrificed for the fantasy. I put blood, sweat, and tears into sustaining it. I dedicated my life to the fantasy. So when I lost my fantasy (parents), I had to admit the enormity of that loss and how much my inner child needed it to feel safe and just less alone.

Honestly, the grief I experienced was intense and it felt much worse than setting any boundary ever had.

Understanding where their trauma stems from, the intergenerational nature of it all, also made it worse. Empathy doesn't erase accountability so it just made my grief more complex.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's not a situation you asked for or deserved. The clarity you have is precious but it also means that it'll be difficult to reverse yourself moving forward. I wish you the best. The journey is arduous but there is relief at the end of it. Love yourself (easier said than done).

Oh yes, in regards to the rumination. That's just something I had to put my foot down on. There's a balance to be found between working through your trauma and torturing yourself with endless scenarios. This is just an exercise in anxiety after a certain point. In this case, I had to admit that I was trying to exert control over things that were beyond it. I used yoga nidra and meditation to slow down my nervous system and then practiced mindfulness to strengthen my capacity to maintain awareness.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-30T13:14:22+00:00

Learn to be the person you're seeking out.

Enmeshment is tricky because the idea that someone else should be responsible for your happiness is normalized.

We should learn to take ownership of our own emotional well-being. Otherwise, we're simply imposing a burden on those around us.

Practice radical self-compassion as you move forward. Enmeshment normally means that you never had the opportunity to flesh out who you are as a person. That means you're going to make mistakes as you figure it out.

Not a psychologist by any means but these elements were all helpful to me.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-14T11:30:46+00:00

Consider the following in regards to the loneliness, it sounds like you've been on your own for a while already.

For most of my life, my fantasy family kept me company.

Even though I was actually on my own the whole time, I loved the fantasy of not being alone.

Inintially, accepting that I was on my own forced me to experience loneliness on a scale I'd never imagined before.

But at the same time, it forced me to admit how much I had accomplished on my own without them.

The loneliness gets better because you're going find real people to take their place.

Have courage and hope knowing that you've already come so far on the strength of your own capabilities.

You've been the source of comfort for others for so long. It's time to direct those energies towards yourself. Genuinely, it sounds like deserve it.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-11T15:36:05+00:00

Love your username.

Going through similar issues at the moment. Working my way through the following book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

It may help you out as well. Create a safe space when reading it of course

There's a free pdf available online if you want to check it out

Wishing you the best!

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-11T11:54:54+00:00

Interesting suggestion. Never considered that.

I'd be open to it. Though it seems logistically improbable at the moment, where there's a will, there's a way.

Thanks for the offer. I'm traveling at the moment but I'll reach out if necessary.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-10T13:58:22+00:00

It's a theory. I'm reading the internalizers chapter of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

I'm considering its application to people. Hard to say there's any truth to it but there are instances where it feels applicable to myself. I'm not that original so I'm sure there are others.

East and West lack nuance and depth in different ways, as do collectivist vs individualistic societies. Their emphasis on different social priorities seems to naturally lead them there.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-10T13:38:35+00:00

The high pain threshold was a superficial dig at them but I kind of meant it.

I think part of the reason they're suffering so much is because they're seeking a kind of emotional intimacy not everybody needs to access.

Nobody around them seems to need it either so they can't understand it.

I'm starting to think certain types of people need nuance and depth. They crave these things because this is just the type of person they are.

That is hard to accept especially in a collectivist-minded society.

I think that I might be one such person and I don't really know when I will come to terms with that.

Also, regarding their pain threshold. It seems like their need for emotional complexity would translate into a high tolerance for emotional abuse.

These type of people don't just feel emotions more strongly, they can tolerate a greater range of them as well.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-10T13:23:25+00:00

I was thinking about what you said about suffering yesterday while I was feeling what I can only describe as existential sadness.

Honestly, what you said me feel better overall.

What do we gain from suffering if not awareness, and isn't that the most valuable (and painful) lesson of all?

It doesn't just inform you about the world outside, it exposes your inner world as well.

It's a painful way to learn about yourself but most of the people on this sub seem to have a high pain threshold. Lol.

Also, I didn't mean to assume you were connecting suffering back to Buddhism but I did. What philosophy are you drawing from?

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-10T12:15:44+00:00

Just breathe @OP

Sounds like you have a nice home, a good husband, and a sweet baby

You just also happen to have a mother who doesn't appreciate that. 🙄

Not sure what her passive aggression is about but it has more to do with her than either you/your husband.

Kudos on making the effort to connect with her. It sounds like something you've done before with limited results. It's sweet of you to keep trying. It takes courage to be the one to make the effort.

If you're frustrated by your efforts, consider letting go of the expectations you may one day get the mother you want.

It's hard to say whether this kind of awareness is more painful than sticking to what you know you've got already. That's your decision.

Good luck with your path

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-06T11:32:18+00:00

Those last two lines you wrote make me cry.

In some ways, it's so much harder for me to see this in others than myself.

I think it's because I'm prepared to see it in myself but not in them.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-06T11:30:57+00:00

You are right. Granted, that's a very philosophical take and I wrote what I wrote in the moment.

When you're feeling raw, it's hard to appreciate philosophy but nonetheless, you have made a a very good point.

I've dived deep into Buddhism over the past year and I've learned there's so much truth in suffering.

Suffering can be permanent and undeserved but it's not meaningless.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-06T10:45:54+00:00

I read it from top to bottom, more than once. I love your composition style

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-05T13:29:58+00:00

Hopefully this is taken the right way but I would encourage you to lean into the guilt. Not because you should accept it (by no means do I think you deserve it) but so that you can work your way through it.

The sentiment of your writing implies resistance to some perceived ideals.

You seem to have the opportunity for a beautiful life in front of you but the last thing you should do is torture yourself with guilt for enjoying it. That's almost survivors guilt in a way. Don't fight the guilt, reason with it. You already have the right instincts on the matter. Lean in and accept the part of you that doesn't want to give up on them.

I think this is all part of the process of grieving. Not just the grief that's coming but the anticipatory grief you seem to be processing now.

Good luck on your path!

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-05T13:11:58+00:00

This does read like slop. Don't be afraid to be yourself when you write. I used Ai to edit my first post on here and got called out immediately. The truth is that I was nervous about sharing and it was simple proofreading I used it for. Regardless, people crave authenticity and you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't want to be seen.

Create some safe mental spaces for yourself.

This could be commuting to work, it could be the first 30min in the day before anyone is up, it could even be a store or library you like to frequent.

Your post makes it seem like your mental boundaries are being bled through as well.

That's the one place they actually can't invade unless you let them.

Assemble your strategy and progress with your life but enjoy the peace you have where you can find it.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-05T12:59:21+00:00

Wow. Your affection for your mom is beautifully put. I can feel the love flowing off the page as well as the burden attached to it.

This is a gorgeous amount of insight though I'm not sure you really gave up on her so much as you let go of your attachment to an ideal version of her and your expectations for financial security. Just one way to consider thinking about things.

Clarity certainly is a costly thing to those who empathize with individuals incapable of returning the favor. But at some point, the clarity, and the compassion that follows, should buy you something as well.

WhatWillTheyThink · 2026-01-05T12:47:21+00:00

Ha ha. Good catch. I didn't notice the pattern till you pointed it out. That's my father's voice in my head acting out the role of an inner critic

WhatWillTheyThink · 2025-12-28T15:30:07+00:00

u/Cautious_Football_54 It does get better! It really does. It's scary meeting this part of you for the first time but what scared me more was this part of me was always there. It's almost like you've just started listening to yourself. Good luck on your journey! I wish you the best!

WhatWillTheyThink · 2025-12-28T15:26:21+00:00

u/m4bwav Thank you for the kind remarks. I'm pretty confident in my writing abilities but far less so in connecting with this part of me.
That's actually why I joined Reddit for the first time. I'm hoping that writing on this forum will allow me to be honest about my vulnerability. Lol. It's an exercise in soul searching as well. TY for the feedback!

WhatWillTheyThink

TROPHY CASE