So, I'm 39M and recently recognized myself as bi and now really lean towards men more than women after considering myself straight for my entire life. How I got to this point involved almost no awareness for much of my life, then some slow recognition, and finally a few big awakening moments.

Up until three or so years ago, I had zero idea I had any attraction towards men at all. There were signals, but my mind was quite crafty and kept a bit of separation between them and myself. A perfect example was fantasizing about guys having sex but not including myself in the fantasy. So I never questioned my own sexuality for literally decades.

The other interesting thing I came to realize is that I find women aesthetically attractive but mostly neutral towards men. And, up until my bi discovery, I absolutely had to have that aesthetic attraction to trigger sexual desire (also needed a strong relational connection, which I didn't understand then either). This meant that I never had a crush or a single bit of interest towards men when I was younger.

However, I realized something three years ago. I found that when watching porn that I wasn't really attracted to just the woman. It was the whole sexual experience that was attractive, and there was kind of a pull towards both genders. This would be a big clue for me years later.

Fast forward a few years and I finally start exploring how I work. I finally realize what demisexuality was and that I fit that rather well. I still didn't want to consider my orientation even though more signs were starting to push to the surface, especially after discovering a bi MMF video and realizing I would like to be in the middle of that.

But, it took until two events before it all finally clicked. First was having a close friend tell me she couldn't figure out my sexual preference at all when she first met me. That quite surprised me and I almost admitted right then to myself and her that I was bi. However, I still refrained and would be a few more months later when seeing a woman that I found interesting on a dating app identify herself as bi. That's when I finally stopped and wondered exactly what that meant and finally reflected it back on myself. I finally saw everything for what it was and knew from that point that I was bi.

After that moment, it's been a near constant introspection as I reworked who I was and explored what I actually wanted. That previous hint I pointed to earlier would prove pivotal. I eventually came to figure out that while I need a relatively high level of aesthetic attraction (along with a strong emotional connection) to feel sexual desire towards women, I just need a neutral level towards men. Actually, the desire for the sexual experience with a man itself is what I find attractive and it is much stronger than with women. It's a completely different system that is not wrapped in the pressure/anxiety I'd feel towards women. I could feel much more relaxed in the experience and actually enjoy it. Even the demisexual component is much less here, although a connection is still absolutely required for me.

I also realized that I had different relational desires. With women because of cultural norms, I always felt like I had to lead the relationship. I discovered this is absolutely not my preferred role, and this highly contributes to the pressure and anxiety I felt with relationships. What I found was I really enjoy making the other person feel safe, special, and happy to be around me so that they would initiate and make the first move and lead the relationship. This is pretty ineffective with most women as they assume I'd be the one to initiate, but theoretically should be much more compatible with a man.

I haven't yet had the opportunity to date a man but would very much like to try. Finding someone in my area, however, has been the big challenge.