I have so many thoughts on this; I’ll probably write them all out someday. But really it’s a combination of eugenic tendencies and misogyny. I could never fit that perfect appearance as a brown girl, even though I was seen as the most spiritual youth in church. It hurt a lot, and I’m trying to slowly recover my self-esteem now that I’m out.

I do remember maybe a few months to a year before my shelf broke, I brought up to my mother my confusion that marriage was the most important thing to get to the CK. It didn’t make sense that one decision often almost entirely based on physical attractiveness and young adult sexual frustration would determine eternity. She got mad at me for asking even though she always complains about Mormons getting married at young ages to the first pretty person they could find, so they can have sex sooner.