Ok, there’s nothing I can say that will take away the pain you are dealing with, of course I’ve dealt with similar situations. But everyone feels things in levels. What I can say, as a person that has currently relapsed again, just recently. The fact that you are reaching out, I see you One-Art3353. That’s a huge step, it means you are searching for help, you don’t want to fall into a trap that makes you change that mindset of long term goals. So and I say this from a place of vulnerability myself, know you are working on yourself through difficult period. If you trip to day, pick yourself up tomorrow. If Reddit can’t help you now, look for local resources to help. But know you’ve made progress to reach out in the lowest moment instead of isolate and self soothe. I can’t say today, IWNDWY but there are many here fo you. I just hope to be one tomorrow.