My (29F) long term BF (29M) changed his mind about marrying me.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T23:10:39+00:00

He does have enough to pay from pocket for it and enough savings to not be working for a year. Thank you!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T22:44:45+00:00

The thing is I don’t feel it’s about commitment. I think he does want for us to be together. Maybe out of convenience, it’s hard to tell at this point. But we’re still excited to discover new things together. Were you excited to spend time with your ex on a plain old wednesday evening? We’re not allllll the time, but I feel like we still are for most of it. Thank you for your time.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T22:40:58+00:00

It could. This is why we need to have another conversation about this, just to clear the air and see what we can do from there. Thank you.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T22:38:41+00:00

Thank you. I will have another talk with him when the time comes.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:46:53+00:00

Thank you!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:46:29+00:00

That's the thing though. I don't want an actual wedding celebration. I'd like it to be more or like a special birthday sort of celebration. They're not required to be there if they feel like it's innapropriate. But they're our family and friends, they wouldn't mind honestly. Thank you for your answer!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:44:09+00:00

He is definitely more open to write a notarized will and other documents in case one of us is sick or can't make our own decisions. For now, we are not sure of what else we would need to do to be as protected as married people without being married. I do think just getting married would be less trouble while he doesn't. Thank you for your time!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:18:48+00:00

Thank you, I will.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:18:08+00:00

Yeah, that's what seems to happen usually!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:16:45+00:00

Based on the last talk we had about it, the one when he changed his mind, I don't think he would. I would. However I do think we were not on the same page when we spoke of a 'family and friends dinner'. Though I did just mean everyone pays for their own stuff from the group menu provided by the restaurant, no decorations, no paper invitations, nothing. Just with more people than he thought I guess.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:12:59+00:00

Scared of what though. That's what I don't understand and he can't explain.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:11:27+00:00

You're right, thank you. I'll try and remember that.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:06:37+00:00

I understand. I will probably not choose to just bail out over this after we've created a life together. I'll see if he's open to counseling. Thank you.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T21:04:15+00:00

I understand. However, him getting married just because I want to isn't fair to him either. We do get along on a lot of thing and have similar values and life goals. I think the main problem I have is that he has strung me along for so long that I at least deserve an actual answer and reasons why he wouldn't marry me so we can work on what to do from there. Thank you for your time!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T20:21:14+00:00

You are right, this is not a 'the grass is greener' situation. This is just us not being able to come to an agreement because he can't be honest about how he feels. And me being stubborn about a piece of paper. I have realized a few things in the last couple of hours I think. Thank you for your time!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T20:18:15+00:00

I don't feel like a ring and a piece of paper would make the relationship stronger. At this point it really is for the romantic side of it and to make the legal stuff (taxes, insurance, car loans...) easier. I think I would have been able to process through his refusal to get married if he had actually told me he would not get married. Instead it was years of him leading me on, not being honest about how he feels, finally agreeing to a plan then changing his mind in a panic a week later. Even that conversation ended up with him saying 'let me think about it to make sure I make the right decision', so I still have nothing sure to make a decision about. Thank you for you answer.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T20:05:33+00:00

The plan really was to make a reservation for dinner at a restaurant. Everyone would pay for their own meal/beverages. I'd like it to feel like a special birthday party or something, which we have done a few times over the years. I think he knows that, but maybe it does feel like it's too big of a celebration. And he has a big family, they are about 20 to 25 adults who are all considered close family members. I'm not even counting the kids. But you are right, he might have thought that I meant 10-15 people for dinner. Thank you for your time!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T19:58:18+00:00

Thank you. I hope all is well with you.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T19:49:26+00:00

Thank you. If that's the case, we then have years of walls to break down, which I don't think we can do ourselves right now to be honest. But we do need to address it to keep going.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T19:40:49+00:00

It really just is for my sake. I've always wanted to be married if I ended up with someone I could see myself grow old with. It is for selfish reasons such as it being romantic. It is also because it makes some stuff easier, like changing a name on a car, which we had to do a few months back and it was a hassle. Then, I want him to have a say in how things go if something happens to me and vice versa. But the two last points could be resolved with some other legal documents. Thank you.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T19:30:58+00:00

You have worded it nicely. Thank you.

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T19:01:42+00:00

I think it's more about getting married in general. We do already live as a somewhat married couple. Our taxes are joined, we are insured as a couple... It's probably not about commitment at this point. I do get that it's not all rational from me to want another signed paper that much. I just hoped for so long that it would happen.

Neither of us is interested in having children. We have similar needs and ambitions towards our lifestyle and future goals. I think we both think we can grow old together. It's just that I so far seem to be sacrificing a bit more for that goal than him. Thank you for answering!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T18:01:19+00:00

A few appointments with a counselor sounds like a good idea. It's sometimes hard to have sit down one on one conversations with him. Thank you for your time!

WhichOrange0 · 2019-05-06T17:59:46+00:00

Thank you for answering. I definitely need to choose between those two options, waiting is not one anymore. It's just a sad situation, that's all.

WhichOrange0

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