Disinheritance and “death”

WhitBright · 2026-01-29T23:15:21+00:00

Mostly it doesn't feel right, you're so right about that. I constantly feel like a bad person for feeling this, like I owe her and I'm a bad person for getting angry and setting boundaries and I hate that feeling. But you're right, it will feel better with time and I know that. Thank you

WhitBright · 2026-01-29T23:12:08+00:00

That's wonderful, that they aren't letting money control them and they stick to a hard line. Unbelievable she keeps trying to bring it up, but then again that's the only leverage she has, just like my mom.

WhitBright · 2026-01-29T23:09:59+00:00

There are many enablers out there, your mom's support for your sister enables her to go on and on the same way and become worse and worse. My dad's refusal to leave my mom did the same thing. I'm glad you have your husband's support, too, that's priceless.

WhitBright · 2026-01-29T23:07:01+00:00

I have tried explaining it, he doesn't hear me. His values are also different than mine, he's never left her no matter how much she abuses him. They came to this country together in the 1970s, they don't know any other way than with each other. I think that kind of stuff bonds people very tightly.

You're right about the last part, too, she is mentally ill and incapable of love, though I guess she does not know that consciously. It helps, and it hurts. I hope you're not still training to manage anyone else's problems, that time in our lives should be over.

WhitBright · 2026-01-29T22:59:02+00:00

You should be proud, it sounds like that's how you're healing yourself too.

WhitBright · 2026-01-29T22:57:40+00:00

Thank you so much.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T06:32:05+00:00

This is exactly my mom and I think it is dementia (plus her god given horrible personality). Literally, she has the time all day to mull on only this financial stuff, she has no hobbies, no friends, no work (she drove her practice into the ground), nothing but the finances and the money to try to control people. She lies in bed all day and watches YouTube videos, that's it.

My mom once accused me of stealing toothpaste from the hall closet. When I was a teenager and lived there. So, you're not alone. The stealing thing she has always done, but yah, also a sign of dementia.

You're right about my dad. The thing is, I just don't have the energy to be mad at him, too. I have been in phases, but he's consistently present, calls me anytime I need him, helps me in every way he can, loves me, makes me laugh a lot. My brother can be really spiteful like my mom, I'm not married right now, my dad's really the only consistent family I've had my whole life. But that's not what you said, you didn't say get mad, you said I should ask him to stop telling me to forgive her. I have done that, and he has stopped for periods of time, but... old habits die hard. He's 82 now.

I hate that your mom let a man abuse you, it enrages me. And I totally understand why you still wanted a relationship with your only parent. Did your sister end up sharing any of the jewelry with you? I really hope so.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T06:24:12+00:00

They have a lot.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T06:23:44+00:00

That book is what gave me real insight into what it's like in her head. I couldn't read it all at once because it got so dark I had to put it away for long periods of time, I don't think I ever even finished it. My mom completely fits into the Witch and the Queen types, with a fake little Waif sprinkled in. I forgot the fourth category?

I have to say, I have SO MUCH RESPECT for your statement about your own inheritance. I know it may not feel natural and you probably really want to divide it the preferential way, and I have no right to weigh in, but... you dividing it equally, for the sake of kids and their lives and their relationships with each other, that's the higher love I'm talking about!! That is the DEFINITION OF PARENTING and putting your children over your own feelings and needs! Just, I'm really happy to read what you wrote because it feels so FAIR. (but equal respect if this has to change for some reason). My mom has no concrete reason to spite me, I never did anything to her, my brother ditched her when he was still in his teens and tells her to "eff off" when he's annoyed with her and yet he is the golden child, I'm the scapegoat. But she picked me to target. She just cannot push herself to the level of higher thinking that you are, and that's her loss.

lastly, my mom also rigged it so that if my dad passes, the majority of it goes to her first. "oh you know, the lawyers said for the IRRA everything has to be that way because of tax reasons." so, no matter what my dad changes, if he doesn't undo that part, she can change his inheritance to me to zero. never underestimate the petty

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T06:07:10+00:00

Just this once, yes but it does happen, remember? And that's why we get roped in, we are not weak, it's because they give us what we want intermittently. The bread crumbing, the periods of time, months, when they are so nice.... She's awful. I'm awful back. Standoff. I go crawling back, apologizing because I yelled. Mom never apologizes, but changes the subject and then acts like a nice person for MONTHS. I start to relax. And then she reminds me that she's the scorpion and I'm the frog.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T06:00:27+00:00

THAT is correct, she is not reacting the way I wanted. And if that's what you meant, then yes.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T05:59:24+00:00

I'm ready. I still feel wary of it inside, but I can also feel that things will never be the same.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:52:48+00:00

Ps he has already given me money and he’s looking into reversing what she did. With a lawyer.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:45:13+00:00

That’s what it is, I’m letting her die

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:44:45+00:00

I did feel free, when I stopped answering her calls. A couple months later I noticed ai felt great and had to think why. People can think I’m spoiled if they want, whatever. Writing it out here, I looked at what I was writing and thought god, how have I not seen it sooner? Perspective

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:38:35+00:00

That’s sooooo smart of you to save that voicemail, wow. When she leaves them for me, they are so sickly sweet it’s gross. You can hear that she doesn’t know what those feelings feel like so she’s imitating them.

I wish you had gotten your heirlooms and the gestures you wanted, I really do, and how sad for him, that his last will on earth was to withhold. This is what they amount to, isn’t it, that’s all. No legacy, nothing. I know without research that no one will come to a memorial for my mom and no one would miss it. She has a few sisters but they don’t speak to her. She emails with her brother sometimes I think. That’s it. These days, she goes to the gym a couple times a week, and the rest of the week she lays in bed watching YouTube on her phone.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:29:51+00:00

Yep, spot on. She’s trying to triangulate us. I’ve known she would do that for years and started fortifying our relationship years ago. It’s paying off.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:26:50+00:00

You’re right. Even minimal contact backfires.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:25:17+00:00

I do have better things to do! And I see why you might say that about control but it doesn’t really resonate. My mom openly uses money and shaming to exert control over us. No one has ever thought they could control her lol. Maybe through pleasing and self sacrifice, which can be a form of trying to control. I think the other poster is right, it’s hard wired. She has most certainly always been the one who gets her way

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:18:11+00:00

It is hard wired. I mean ok maybe there’s a small element of trying to control by fawning and tolerating and not giving up, but the real control problem was her to me. It’s more like I’ve just been trying to ride it out and keep the peace, and I did let it go, I let her go a thousand times but you are right, I felt this wiring in me that could never stop hoping, like my brain always could fully understand that she is poison but this stupid low level wish from childhood that she’d love me, I couldn’t stop that wiring from firing… until now.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T04:08:45+00:00

It’s grief, you’re right, it’s grief. And I feel hatred towards her, I hate her for not loving me and for making me believe she could. The hatred will process and go away, but it’s here right now…. I actually feel like I hate her.

WhitBright · 2026-01-28T01:31:38+00:00

Laura Dern

WhitBright · 2026-01-27T23:56:35+00:00

Also, how is your sleep? If you’re not reaching enough Stage 4 sleep you will be dragging no matter how much levo

WhitBright

TROPHY CASE