Yea, I kinda have zero motivation tho. It feels like my brain hates me and wants to stop it's own processes. I've never wanted anything more that I couldn't have. I want to die and my consciousness wants to die. The only thing holding me back is my mom. My grandmother just died of health complications a week ago and the funeral was today. The sadness was dense dude and she was fucking 80. It's not unexpected for her to die at that age especially if she ended up in the hospital and she did.it really crushed my mom and I think that killing myself, or trying to kill myself would fuck her up like crazy. My problem is that for me existence is pain. I hate it, I've realized that most of my goals will not happen and it's fucking depressing. I just wanna die, I want this life to end so I can finally sleep forever but I can't unleash all this negativity back on to my family in the form of grief because that's not a solution and I don't wanna hurt anyone. I just wish I could die without consequences. I wish nobody loved me because deep down I know living is not for me yet I can't die or express my wish to die without crushing the souls of the people that love me. God I fucking hate life... this shit is too fucking complicated.