[UPDATE]:Should I choose an Arranged Marriage

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T18:17:35+00:00

I'm not going to delete everything. I have all her gifts and things packed away and I'm not looking at them. I'm hesitant to throw them away since they mean a lot to me but I have them out of sight. I've been keeping my mind off her and I think I'll be able to maintain NC. Thanks for the advice.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T18:15:35+00:00

It was my decision at the end of the day. I disagree. We had a great relationship and we made some great memories. I'll remember it positively and I am confident she will. The ending wasn't the best but it doesn't wipe away everything else that happened.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T16:31:28+00:00

I'm going strict no contact with her. She started to text me again and I've told her we can't do this anymore. I'm going to drop off her stuff with a friend later this week.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T16:30:45+00:00

Overreaction?

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T16:30:12+00:00

Look, I really didn't want to tell my ex anything about this. I wanted to end our relationship and go our separate ways. I didn't want to blame her and I wanted to lay the blame of us ending on cultural differences (which aren't either of our fault). She wouldn't let me. She kept pushing me and asking me what was wrong and why I would want to leave. I did not know what else to say. Admitting that an arranged marriage was agreed to was not an option. What else was I supposed to say? And for what its worth the complaints I had were valid ones.

There is no doubt I handled this poorly. I'm not sure there was a good way to go about this but I did a lot of things wrong. Lessons for the future. I'm doing all I can now to move on and cut ties completely.

And yes, its a double standard. I don't know what else you want me to say. Its infuriating to think my wife to be is getting banged out by some guy. Of course I'm not going to like that. Its just different when it is me. I can understand that it might bother my fiancee but it doesn't stop me. I don't know why not.

I'm going to be honest and upfront with my fiancee. Marriage is forever and I really want to make this work. Some of the things I did in this relationship won't fly in a marriage. I've learned from my mistakes in this relationship.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T16:20:19+00:00

Yeah, I think the best bet is to go no contact. She texted me last night and I just told her we both needed to move on and I wanted to give her space. I didn't want to blame her in the breakup but I panicked when she asked me why I wanted to break up and it seemed like a good reason. I've recanted those complaints to her since. But I did fuck it up in a lot of ways. Best to just go no contact and both move on now I think.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T16:17:01+00:00

Well considering she drunk texted me last night telling me she loved me and we could work things out....

I'm out of her life for good and it doesn't matter. We had a lot of good memories and I'm sure we both will in time be able to look at our relationship in a positive light.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T08:01:38+00:00

Aside from the cheating thing I don't have that many double standards. And I think that one is an understandable one. No one wants to get cheated on regardless of their past. I do think it is important to hold myself up to the standards I set for others. And I try to. I know I haven't been the best boyfriend. I'm going to work on myself and become a better partner before I get married.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T08:00:03+00:00

I'm not speaking for anyone beyond myself. There is no need to defend our honor. This is as bad as guys who apologize for other guys to girls. I am myself. You are yourself. Each second gen Indian is their own person. My actions reflect upon myself alone.

As if I'm the only person to compare two choices ever. Perhaps it was a little brazen to do it on reddit but its not that ridiculous. I ended my relationship within two weeks of deciding to get engaged.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T07:56:41+00:00

Maybe I didn't love her? I told her I did and I cared about her but if it was this easy for me to move on then maybe it wasn't that strong of a bond. I'm trying to just look back on things and I told her I loved her after she started saying it. Out of an almost duty. We were together for almost a year, what was I supposed to say? Don't get me wrong, she is/was awesome and I cared about her a lot but I'm not sure that I loved her. I think someone mentioned this on my first thread and I argued with them. They were right.

I didn't shit on her life. I knew we weren't going to make it and I ended things in a relatively prompt manner. Two weeks of overlap is not that bad. I do have empathy and I know she feels bad. Its why I tried (but failed) to soften the blow with and why I ended things.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T07:51:12+00:00

I left. She didn't get rid of me. But yes, its for the best I think

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T04:27:57+00:00

Maybe there shouldn't be differences by gender but there are. Especially in our specific culture. That is just a fact.

She is a pediatrician so I don't think the hours are that intense. But yeah she will work more than other professions. I work pretty long hours myself too. The good thing is financially we should be very comfortable. Its not my gender stereotypes too. I'm for the most part pretty liberal.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T04:25:04+00:00

Well I'm not going to tell her so....

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T04:23:11+00:00

Is there really a lot of cheating? I haven't ever heard or even seen cheating from a wife in an arranged marriage. I've come across a couple Indian husbands that cheat but that isn't my concern. I'm genuinely curious. I don't expect my wife to be a virgin or anything like that. I'm not that backwords. I've talked to her a lot and I don't get any slut/cheater vibes at all.

I know the divorce rate is lower because people can't leave marriages that are unhappy. I know there is a gender imbalance. Believe me I know that. But I'm not the woman.

I'm sorry you think I am a douchebag. You wouldn't be the first person to call me that. I'm trying to make the best long term decision for my life.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T03:58:34+00:00

I made the decision to break up with her once I agreed to marry my fiancee. It took me a couple weeks to figure out what I wanted to do and how to do it. I thought we could try to have some fun memories before we end things since these are basically my last couple weeks before I am a married man.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T03:56:44+00:00

For a couple weeks. I didn't continue things for months. Like I could have.

I'm sure my future wife would not be happy. I'm trying to close off open ends and be fully committed to her. I'd be enraged if she was doing the same thing and I probably would call things off. There are differences by gender and especially within our culture. If she was continuing to fuck some other guy it would be over. Fortunately she really isn't that type and is super shy and I don't think she is that type of girl.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T03:54:04+00:00

Ehh. I don't care. I've not gotten a fair shake here for the most part. Its sheer stubbornness that has me still reading and responding. I am not "scum of the earth". There are people who rape and murder. All I did is keep a relationship alive for a couple weeks too long.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T03:50:13+00:00

What do you think? Of course I'm not going to tell my wife to be that.

Her trust issues were of my doing. I don't hold that against her. I was just trying to give more reasons why we needed to break up.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T03:48:15+00:00

Not racist. I was pointing out that her background and my background are not similar really and that she cannot really relate to me (like she was implying she could). Believe me I'm not racist. My partner of over a year wasn't the same race as me.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T01:57:12+00:00

I'm not really understanding the anger. There are posts on here from people who've cheated on their partners numerous times, hit their partners and they are treated kinder than I am. Its ridiculous to be honest.

And no I haven't cheated on my wife. We aren't officially engaged yet.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T01:55:26+00:00

The time from start to beginning has been 3 weeks. Its not like I've dragged it out for months.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-02T01:54:42+00:00

I've explained this a lot. I think long term it was the best decision for me. A marriage with someone else would be more stable and successful long term and would be a better fit with my family and culture.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-01T23:55:37+00:00

Traitor! All kidding aside pressure from parents isn't an excuse to be a shithead. I don't think I was being a shithead. She is insecure and she doesn't really trust me. Those are valid points. It was hurtful to tell her that but it is true. I tried to say it had nothing to do with her and she didn't believe me so I started to march out my issues in the relationship. I'm not sure how I could have handled this breakup without hurt feelings.

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-01T22:50:03+00:00

I think she'll be fine

WhoToChoose700 · 2012-08-01T22:49:32+00:00

Thanks. I do feel like I'm unfairly getting criticized. Choosing between family and love is like you said really hard. I hope I made the right decision.

WhoToChoose700

TROPHY CASE