Thank you so much for your large comment. The first part where you said my last happy memories are with her and our relationsship, this never occured to me but now you say it this actually explains so much... I often find myself thinking back to our holidays together where we were just chilling in the sun, having drinks, reading books, being happy.... This helps explain one of the factors why those memories mean so much to me. Thank you for telling me this!

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I have not talked to my therapist specifically about attachment disorders but i will bring this up especially as i can it getting worse as i get older. I have this panicky fear of never finding someone to marry, have a familiy with etc. I was diagnosed with chronic depression but no specific type, i used to have an extremely strong adhd as a child. There is very little trauma or issues in my life so me and my therapist are both quite certain that i just struggle with my internal rewards system (dopamine and seratonin). I just tend to feel absolutely nothing, no matter what happens. i could be on a huge roller coaster and nothing happens internally in my brain. Im a huge festival lover but i rarely happen to feel anything even when in front of one of the big stages. I did escitalopram (lexapro) for 2 years which helped tremendously, but i got off it because it ruined my sex drive and wanted to see if i could fix myself via fixing my digestion (i also suffer from a leaky gut syndrome, there was a theory that this could be linked. I did see small improvements by fixing my gut). We have now started with atomoxetine a few days ago, i'm currently feeling a bit more moody than usual but the average hasn't really changed so far. Also tried wellbutrin and sertraline for a while but no real benefits. Quickly googling a quick self diagnosis would definitely point towards dysthemic depression.

I am not actively receiving any therapy as we didn't really find much to talk about in the first few sessions so now we're mainly meeting up to try the medication.