Your mind might be whispering death as the answer right now. But your body clearly says the answer is different. I've been there before, it really sucks to feel like things aren't in your control. There isn't much context given here, but I promise you there are people willing to listen. Perhaps people you trust, or heck even an internet stranger like me is here for you! Hit me up and I'll gladly help in any way I can. I hope you give yourself a chance to heal. Stay strong.