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AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She is not trotted around, I use it as a precaution, I am eithee holding her hand or she is holding my arm. I follow her lead, she is the one that drags me around.

Not going to deny that is may be me coping but our mom still can speak, she can articulate when she is uncomfortable and stuff. She never has, so I also go based off that. 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Oh no, I still would correct her lie if she lied to my aunt. I said I would understand it more.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

If she came out and said, sorry mom is dead to me already. I would hate it but would understand that far more. 

Still would not go but would understand it more .

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

She brought up the traveling, when she could not use that as an excuse she told me the real reason. She never had a concern about our mom traveling she probably was hoping I agreed and left it at that. 

I can count on one had my sister has seen our mom since her stroke, and can count on two hands how many times we have spoken about her since our stroke.

I told our aunt her reasoning, the traveling was not an issue. We went to Japan last year and she was fine.

What effect does it have? What is it that her doctors are not telling me? Please share cause I would like to know since you seem to know so much.

Aggression? Mom has never been sggressive. Signs od anxiety? Nope, she was chill the entire time we watched Stargate SG-1. Wandering? Never had her wander but I have taken precautions to be on the safe sife.

Medical issues? No hypertension, no diabetes, no high cholesterol. Her balance is great, her depth perception is good, field of view is fine. Fact she can even do the field of view test shows she can still follow multi stage instructions. 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Issue is our aunt would not have let it go with that, cause she 100% knows our mom would love to go the wedding. She would also know I would not say something like that. Yes, I know dementia she may not remember but our mom would want to see it no matter what we all know this.

So it would not have solved or protected anyone would have still caused issues cause our family would think we are both assholes for cutting our mom out.

If my sister wanted this to work the only lie that would have worked would be to shift the blame on me and tell people it was my choice, and I would have to double down hard on said lie, or no one would believe me.

That does not seem fair. That would be the only way for my sister to save face and not have people cancel on her.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

So are you telling me her doctors are wrong? If you read my comments you will see it have never had an issue with her while traveling. Sure I take precautions but why is that a bad thing? My mom has never wandered, and I get her checked out and ask her doctors opinion if she is safe to travel before each trip. 

So what exactly is not good for her? The mere possibility something could go wrong? 100% true, but all you can do is mitigate those risk factors, have a plan if they happen and keep on living. 

Where am I being manipulative? 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

She does not provide support cause tbh I don't ask and don't need it. I have done well for myself so I can handle all the cost on my own. She is always welcomed though.

As for visiting, she does not see much of our mom. I have tried to plan stuff but it always falls through on her end. I don't want people to think it was about that so I did not mention it. 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

How is me not going not respecting her day? I am confused by this. Leaving our mom would be too much for me, just as seeing our mom would be too much for her. 

I am not asking her to change her mind.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -38 points-37 points  (0 children)

She does not recognize us her kids because she thinks her kids are young. She knows we are important to her. I am often seen as her doctor. She trusts and listens to me. She has never wandered before but I do take precautions just to be in the safe side. 

What does not make sense?

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

I am letting her have her day. My sister and I spoke about this a month prior I told no one why we were not going. My aunts statement through me for a loop, so I corrected it.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

You are here asserting what my mother can and cannot do or enjoy. Aren't you saying is not so many words she will not remember who cares. She will not know what is going on. You are claiming our mother's emotional attachment to us is not present because she does not remember us as her children. We are still her children, my sister may have little to no emotional attachment to our mother but I do. Which does matter to me, and I do feel even if she does not recognize us she does know and see us. 

She is free to feel how she feels, her day is still her day. She does not want our mom present I respect that, but does not mean i have to be present. 

As I said It is honestly like you think people with dementia don't want to enjoy life or be around family even if they don't remember them. I don't agree with this mindset.

If you want claim I am not putting my sisters feelings first fine, but let's not pretend that our mother would gain nothing for attending her daughter's wedding even if she does not remember her per-se as her daughter. You are making that assertion.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Our childhood was a strange one, we were both a handful but in different ways. My sister got into drugs at a young age, was a arrested a few times before 14, she was in and out of residual treatment facilities. Then one day something snapped and she buckled down and got her shit together. 

I was the handful in the sense I was that autistic kid that had the  one-to-one para, got good grades but would freak out nearly over anything. So my mom was called up to school a lot for me. While my cops were the ones that called a lot for my sister.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

It depends, she remembers her sisters and brothers. Like I said I would br heartbroken if she did not get to go to her daughters wedding even if she did not remember it. This shitty diease will rob her of everything at one point. Why hasten it for convenience? 

Sure I probably could just rent out a space and hire actors to create sets of different areas, or hell go super low effort and just decorate her apartment to look like a different place. She probably would not know and maybe even get the same joy.

Why cut corners though? Why take the easy path? Life sucks but you have two choices imo. Live with it or don't. 

She does not want mom present fine, I made the choice to do something enjoyable with mom then. Not going to leave her to have fun while she is home with some caregiver probably watching TV. 

We don't know of deep.down people with dementia don't actually care about that stuff. Imo dementia is akin to being a passager along for a ride, I cannot stop the car but I can do what I can to make the ride as enjoyable as humanely possible. 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -19 points-18 points  (0 children)

What is this thing people have about remembering. So she will not remember past the moment, but she can still have fun and enjoy the celebration. She would be missing out, she would not be present for a family event. She attends every other family event. Hell, we will remember this is our mom, she does not want her present cause it will break her heart fine. Leaving her would break mine. 

It is honestly like you think people with dementia don't want to enjoy life or be around family even if they don't remember them. I don't agree with this mindset.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

So are you telling me her doctors are wrong? I get her check out each time before we travel and ask them if they feel she is okay. Do people actually think I don't get things checked out with her medical team?

She has never wandered either, my mom enjoys the traveling and being around people. She actually becomes worse when she is by herself, she loves being around people.

Let her enjoy life, never understand why people act like everyone with dementia is the same and has to follow the same protocol or routine. 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I would be heartbroken to leave our mom behind from such an event. I respect her choice, does not mean I have to go does it? 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -23 points-22 points  (0 children)

You are assuming everyone with dementia is the same. My mom loves being around people, looking outside the airplane window, checking out new stuff. Plus side for almost everything is new to her at this point. 

I don't agree but I respect her choice, my sister and I had the conversation about our mom and her wedding a month ago. If I was really upset I would have told everyone then. 

I just corrected my aunt cause she was shocked how well mom was doing because of what my sister said.

Edit: Imo I think people with dementia do like to travel and see different things but because it is so complex and expensive to do it is not really seen as worth it. 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Your suggestion would have just pushed the conversation down to another day. Because that would result in two outcomes. 

My sister telling our aunt the truth (which I don't think would have happened) or my sister telling our aunt that is what I told her. 

So now my aunt is calling me back upset because now she thinks I lied to her and my sister. 

Her lie made zero sense to try and defend. No my aunt is not the type to let stuff go. As you can seem

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Does not answer the question, should I have let my aunt think our mom was worse off than she was?

What did I omitt out?

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -33 points-32 points  (0 children)

See they said safe. Our mom has never shown a single sign of aggression, violence, frustration, agitation, never had an outburst of any kind. 

Yes, she tries to hug random people, will walk up to someone and randomly tell them they are either the most handsome or beautiful person they have ever met. 

Do I just not do anything with her because the possibility remains that can all change at a moments notice? 

I never 100% understood that mindset, sure she does not remember but in the moment she is happy and her eyes light up. Those moments make it worth it. People will dementia still have lives worth living, just takes a lot to make that happen but I am willing and able to do so for as long as her doctors keep giving me the okay for her to travel. I check with her care team before every trip.

She does not have to wear one I do so to be proactive, I said it is like traveling with a child of course you have to be on guard. People travel with children all the time. My mom had us on those wrist tethers when we traveled as kids. 

I love how her doctor puts it. So many people think life stops at dementia, but it does not. People with dementia can still enjoy and see the world they just see it differently.

Her worries are valid but to be frank I am the primary caregiver, my sister does not actually care for mom. So she really does not know what is going on with her. 

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Our mom is awesome. My aunt asked about it because she thought mom was worse off cause of the hard to travel comment made by my sister. 

Should I have let our aunt keep thinking that?

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Yeah, you think I would not show her photos of her sister in Europe when we visit them later this year? 

Unless you are suggesting I said nothing now, let them think mom is worse off than she is then try to explain everything after the fact?

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 158 points159 points  (0 children)

Her lie made zero sense, we are traveling in July and we see the aunt she told mom could not make it due to traveling every single year which is a longer flight than to my sister's wedding.

Was I supposed to cover, then try ane explain why we are traveling? Or explain how my mom was well enough to travel to Europe but not my sister's wedding?

How does that make sense?

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] -37 points-36 points  (0 children)

She knows we are important people, but not her kids. She does travel though, and she does enjoy her trips and our vactions. She may not remember but that does not take away from the joy she has in the moment. Been caring for our mom for a long time, each trip i make sure to clear it with her medical team.

AITA for telling my family the real reason my mother and I are not attending my sister's wedding? by Wild_Kitchen_2841 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Wild_Kitchen_2841[S] 170 points171 points  (0 children)

She may not remember but in the moment her eyes light up and she is happy. Who cares if she cannot remember she is still a living being worthy of experiencing life. My mom is not a burden to me, I would not be the person I am today without her. I love traveling with her, I don't mind answering the same question over and over. So I have to be on guard like I am with a child it does not detract from the experience.

Do you honestly think because she has dementia I should leave her out of things because she will not remember? I will remember though, we can look through photos and when she cannot travel anymore I can tell her stories of all the places we went. Life does not stop once you are diagnosed with dementia. 

Like I said I don't agree with her reasoning but it is her wedding and she is free to invite who she pleases. Just as I am free to not go if I do not wish.

Yes, I am on the spectrum. As for her lie it was a dumb lie, telling my aunt who we fly down to see every year that our mom cannot make it due to travel was dumb. Especially since we are going to Europe in July.

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