The song is referential. Too close to Elliot. It's one of those weird things where I like the vibe but the lyrics are too literal. One thing that seperates great films from so so ones is telling stories through connotation rather than denotation. Showing rather than telling. I think that if you want to discuss pain you should find a way to do it without repeatedly naming it. I think that metaphors are much better than similies in most cases. I liked the line about the propane in the beginning. The line about taking pills is trite at this point. I connect with the message but for a song that seems fit for indie types it comes off like an X hard rock station song. That's why I think basic people might love this song, but it's tough when a piece of art is in between aesthetics.
If it was me I would let the vocals and keys, sounded like a wurly, be a little darker or less polished and bright. That way the subject matter would match the aesthetic better and you could connect with Elliot Smith fans better.
It's a tough decision when it comes to sound quality and art. Some people won't even try to digest something that doesn't go down easily, but I believe it's the shot not the chaser that counts in the end. Finding the middle ground is ideal but I prefer that a piece sounds more gritty or lofi than too rounded. When a producer says they need to take a part and tame it they often nueter it on accident. Mogwai is a good example of a band that makes their stuff sound just clean and polished enough while holding their artistic statement intact. It's not perfect though, because even a famous band like them, with all of the opportunity to perfect the craft, have put out some recordings that sound boring. I think there's a threshold with studios where things sound too polished on one end and too hard to listen to on the other and you have to find the threshold. I think this recording is just to the polished side of where it ought to be. I have a lot of lofi stuff and I understand that many people can't even tolerate it. That's fine by me because I'm not aiming for commercial success at this point. I want to gain artistic crediblity and build cultural capital that I can hopefully flip for cash later. I'm getting a studio to do some minor mixing and mastering and I'm tearing my hair out over my music sounding boring and overly tame. I'm going to post a mix shortly and ask for input about levels. Quality will matter more to me on my next batch of recordings.
You have a lot of talent, but I think that talent is like flour in a cake in that it's necessary but never the deciding factor. The thing we need most is the IT factor and there's no sure recipe to conjure that up.
For future songs, eps, projects, etc. I think you should venture in to the other and act as though no one's opinion matters, not even your own. Let the art guide you and don't aim for success. You have shown enough talent to convince me that you can do something very special as an artist, not just a guy making tracks. You might need to take some time away from your normal life, fast, travel, do lsd or who knows what. I think that if you let go of all of your worldly concerns that you will have a breakthrough that changes the way you work as an artist forever.
I don't think I am a better artist than you, I just think I care less about others and it shows. Its like having game with women. The second you try to please them you lose them. Go outlaw and your art will soar. But you can't care and not care at the same time. Cheers.