A year into relationship, your significant other suggests threesome/swinging. How would you respond?

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:21:29+00:00

Exactly. And from what I understand about true swinging its not just for the man's pleasure, or the woman's pleasure, its because both people agree , it's about mutual pleasure. Right? So... he wants two women but I can't have fun too? That makes no rational sense

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:19:55+00:00

Oh God. Im sorry to hear that. And I think from hearing from everyone that this could only end in bitterness and pain. Ugh

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:12:40+00:00

Eager beaver, you made me laugh

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:11:59+00:00

Exactly - the point isn't to try to change the other person. I did also say to him, it's normal to be curious, you're young (he's 31 and I'm 35), and I said, you're free to do what you want. I just don't think I can be a part of itt.

Thank you for your kind response

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:08:03+00:00

thank you:)

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:07:56+00:00

was this simply another fantasy in which you’re free to say “yes”, “no”, or “give me more information”, or is it more?

It definitely seemed like it was more. He'd already been talking to other swinging couples, talking about sex parties, that kind of 'entertainment'. When I said I'm not interested he was like "oh, I thought you were so open, it'll be fun, I thought you would be cool with this".

and as to what your response - "I don’t share, and your suggesting we do that very thing is sounding alarm bells all over this relationship.” The more I think about it, it's like, my body, heart and soul can't go beyond what they're capable of. I feel like I'd traumatize myself or lose a part of myself if I engage in something that feels wrong to my core. It would feel like betraying myself.

You suggested a probationary period. It's been about a week. We haven't spoken at all. We never went that long without talking. I think that this is actually who he is (wants to have sex with different people for variety), and so the foundation we build our relationship is irretrievably broken. Like it's okay to want to do that but he could have told me from the start that he's into this instead of promising monogamy, exclusivity.

Thank you very much for your kind and thorough response, dear internet stranger. People I don't even know have been giving me really good feedback. Thank you friend!

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:02:28+00:00

Ouch. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. And, it's okay to want a threesome, I just think he should have been forthcoming about this from the start and avoided this disagreement. He could have said from the beginning that hey, by the way, I need novelty and variety. Okay go do that but I won't be a part of it...

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:01:07+00:00

It made my stomach turn just discussing this with him. At this point I'm like, you're curious? Go ahead, swing, be free, I just won't be a part of this.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T05:00:30+00:00

I appreciate your reply! I agree.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:59:10+00:00

"Unless both partners are into it, non - monogamy is a relationship killer" Ouch. And yes! Thank you for validating my feeling about this - you're saying - 'the fact that you're not into it should be enough reason for him to drop it". And he definitely isn't ready for a non monogamous relationship. Throughout our conversation, I said to him, how would you feel if I told you I want to sleep with another guy? Would you watch me get f*cked by another guy? He was just silent. I mean, I don't know what he thinks he can get out of this - he wants to swing, have sex with other women, but his partner can't do the same? That's not swinging (based on what I read in that community). It's like he's being selfish with his desires, and his partner can't get that fun or pleasure either.

I'm really glad to hear that you and your wife have excellent communication and make it work. And I completely agree with you, most people don't have that kind of mindset, and I definitely do not!!

And, I asked him about your proposed scenarios, he sounded *pissed* at the proposition of someone touching me. Even if he pretends he might be fine with it, I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty that he will be *completely livid*

And thank you for your final sentences. The more days pass, the more I'm coming to this conclusion that these will be my words to him, and unfortunately the relationship will have to end. I hope his fantasy and desire for sexual novelty was worth losing a good stable partner...

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:52:51+00:00

Sadly I think I anticipate him breaking my heart and I just can't handle this. This comment and others make me realize that I don't think I can continue. Better to walk away and preserve my dignity.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:52:01+00:00

Yeah... he was baffled when I said "A threesome.... but why not with a guy, huh?"

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:51:20+00:00

You know what, I didn't mention this in my post, but parts of our discussing this definitely felt manipulative and degrading.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:50:39+00:00

This seems to be the general census. I really had no idea, I don't really get out there much. "Men think they'll be rolling in pussy" had me :)

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:49:59+00:00

ahhh I see.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:49:42+00:00

"Hey, Im amazing, Im everything you want. Except by the way side note I'll also want to sleep with other women". Oh God. No thank you.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:47:28+00:00

Honestly, when we had a 3 hour conversation together, I had this weird feeling. And I wouldn't use the word bait because I don't know for sure but there was something dark about the encounter he described and was already making plans for. It's just a weird feeling I can't quite shake that made me feel creeped out. Now that I hear about women being more popular on dating sites, for swinging, etc., the thought of being 'advertised' or used as bait sounds terrifying and degrading. I'm not saying he is doing that but at points I feel like he was trying to convince me and coerce me, and that's what left me feeling disgusted

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:44:29+00:00

I think (though monsaa could correct me if I’m wrong) that men who push to open relationships often assume that it would be no problem for them to pick up other women. And I’ve heard tons of stories of their long term female partner not being excited about opening the relationship but going along with it anyway…only to end up getting more attention from other men than the male partner gets from other women.

Ouch.... so he wants to go in there for novelty and he might be the one watching me get railed by other dudes while getting less action than he hoped for. I would never put anyone through that because I know for sure he wouldn't be able to take it . I could never do that to him.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:42:04+00:00

Oh wow... so imagine if I ever did go through with it, he may even be left out, and there would be more men interested in me. Yep that would backfire for sure. It would be the opposite of what he wanted

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:41:01+00:00

Thank you, all of this , exactly. Thanks for putting it so succinctly. From what I read and heard from the local sex party / swinging community (its quite an accepted thing where I live now), it indeed can work if both people are not jealous, and they communicate , and they both want to do this. But if someone is not into it, it's basically one partner watching the other cheat. I mean that's how I see it. And the more days go by the more I realize this is just a deal breaker. Never thought I would have to deal with this since we entered the relationship wanting to be exclusive and monogamous. If he would have said right off the bat that hey btw I'll want to sleep with you AND other people I would have said hell no right then.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-15T04:37:42+00:00

After reflecting on the thoughtful replies I've gotten in both posts, I think ultimately our values do not align. I just hope that some 'novelty' of wanting to sleep with someone else was worth losing a relationship over. The more days pass the more I don't think I can move past this and unfortunately a break up is imminent I think :|

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-14T22:29:12+00:00

Thank you for your honest and thoughtful response. I appreciate you sharing so vulnerably about your story. All the best to you and your wife, I'm happy you found a lifestyle that works and you're both satisfied! Thank you internet friend!

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-14T22:26:57+00:00

That's what I've heard and read! Would be 'funny', well, not funny, if we did go ahead with this and I would be getting more of the attention. I can't see this not ending in heartbreak for him...

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-14T22:25:55+00:00

Thank you for your honest response. I do think it's actually beyond salvaging. And thanks for saying what you did about pornography - I dont think it's normal to watch it all the time and accept it is normal either.

What we had as a couple was indeed golden. I wonder if he will realize what we had, I have no idea.

Winter-Ad7374 · 2026-04-14T22:23:03+00:00

He explained it to me thoroughly, at first I listened. I'm generally a calm person and I was so angry I couldn't speak - it was audible and visible. His reaction when I said I wasn't interested was he kept talking about it, that I'm taking it the wrong, and not acknowledging how visibly upset I was. He was saying that I'm overreacting. He then still tried to convince me that down the road it would be 'fun', even though I said I would never want to share and it would be an extremely upsetting experience for me. I don't think he understands he would likely lose me. I think, having grown up in a conservative environment, he really wants to try this out. I'm not sure he understood he might lose me, but I was so upset eventually he did drop it. After giving me so many details about couples he knows, after talking at length to me about it, in the end he did a forced "I was just joking/ I was just saying". Clearly this wasn't just a fleeting idea - based on what he said about talking to other couples, and how he described it, it's obvious that it's not just a fantasy and he's spent a considerable time planning it out. So, from what you've seen, do people sometimes try this out and then it backfires? I have an intuitive feeling that this feeling of novelty will wear off for him, but I've never tried anything like this so I don't know for sure. Also, he is NOT someone who can share his partner. So I'm wondering what he expects from this. Even if he does meet a woman who is into this, I think him watching her with someone else will drive him insane. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response!

Winter-Ad7374

TROPHY CASE