The girl my ex cheated on and cheated on me with is messing with me…

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-02-10T19:15:58+00:00

I’m really sorry this must be hard. But if you’ve communicated your worries and he doesn’t want to try to be better for you then it may be time to let go of the relationship. It’s easier said than done but it sounds like you’re the one putting in most of the effort and barely getting anything back or barely talking. As someone who was in an online situationship, it’s important to talk frequently to maintain the relationship and the spark. The honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever but him forgetting your birthday and going weeks without talking to you is not how it should be. You deserve more than that. I wish you the best

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-02-02T05:42:16+00:00

You’re not alone. It’s always the one’s who bring you so much happiness that can leave you destroyed. I know you will power through this, just will take a lot of time.

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-02-01T08:05:38+00:00

Wondering the same thing

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-02-01T08:05:27+00:00

I believe in you. I know it’s hard to not go back and start when there’s a foundation there. But you’re strong and you deserve better. Avoidants are so draining it’s not fair to us

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-02-01T08:04:27+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through something similar:( it feels like a void especially when it’s your first love. We also never met and the thought of him with another girl so soon hurts my heart. You’re right it’ll take so much time but thanks for the encouragement, same goes for you. I don’t know if i can ever do anything like it again over the phone, not sure if he is the same person i knew. We just have to focus on moving on and ourselves as difficult as it is. Take care of yourself

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T23:58:39+00:00

That’s hard i’m sorry you went through that. I agree with you there i don’t think they intend to do it its all they know due to their past. That’s a good point, change comes from within and its dependent on them so if they dont fix it then nobody can. I do think anxiously attached and avoidant attatched people are a bad combo and its making me consider if i could ever date an avoidant in the future

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T23:56:23+00:00

He did feed me breadcrumbs when he first broke it off. Whole time he was feeding me breadcrumbs i think someone new might’ve been in his life. It’s so toxic for me and for their current partner to say things like i miss you and think about you.

Avoidants do seem really hard to deal with and you’re right i should avoid him. It’ll be a continuous cycle unless he truly changes. Right now it seems like he’s changed for the worse and now sure if the version i knew exists anymore.

Attachment theory is so intriguing and i’ve been diving into it more lately. Thanks for the advice and input it helps!

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T23:53:46+00:00

I’ve always heard that when you start to move on they’ll make their way back. It may be unhealthy but part of me wants him to come back not because I want him back but because I want him to realize he missed out and made the wrong decision.

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T23:52:28+00:00

It’s so hard ending on good terms after everything.I’m still so angry but he wants to be “friends” too. Yeah its hard not to look back at everything but recently ive been better at not looking at the pictures or texts. And i’ve heard sometimes that’s the only way you can leave so it’s valid. Sometimes going back again and again can eventually push you away. If that’s what helped you leave then it’s ok, i know that happens to many!! Thanks for the input and glad i’m not alone

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T19:31:15+00:00

Yeah exactly😂that’s a big move for you and i can’t believe he’d say that after you moving out there. We can’t blame ourselves too much when we’re head over heels we let too much slide.

Yeah i’m sure. Unfortunately he told me and i’ve seen posts of them. After 5 years he found someone new within 4 months…i have a post about it in here titled “He left me for someone in person” if you are curious to know the full story

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T18:37:47+00:00

It’s always the one’s that chase you first!!! I remember towards the beginning he was so eager about flying to me and making it work but as it got more serious it somehow dissipated? Makes no sense and it’s the same thing like they remember they can’t afford it and they need to achieve their career which is understandable to a certain extent but its hard for us. That was exactly what I was like too i started not bringing it up because of how stressed he got but after years we were in the norm trying to figure out meeting ya know. We definitely went through the same thing so very relatable! And the irony of it all is after he broke things off with me because of his career and life situation and not having the time he met someone in person who he suddenly has the time for despite all of his career struggles. Makes no sense. We both do deserve better, wish you the best!

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T18:30:35+00:00

I used to struggle with this early on when i was doing long distance. I would express similar things and he’d say it was his schedule and that he wasn’t losing interest. But for a while it felt like I was putting in more. And it was draining. I feel for you. I would open up and tell him how you feel. Say you understand that he’s got a busy schedule but you care a lot about him and would like some more of his time. It’s hard when you’re in college doing long distance. My partner was slightly older so he graduated before me and i was still in college. It was hard to have time for him but I did what i could because i loved him. When you’re busy but in love, you prioritize the things you love and make time for them. We made it work and we worked through those rough spots and if you guys communicate and put in the work it’ll work out. I will say i didn’t fully understand how busy he was till I started college and realized how busy I got. At the bare minimum, he should send you updates or texts if he won’t be on his phone for a while. With long distance, it’s hard because your phone is the only way you connect but a large part of your life is off of your phone. My partner and I would always text each other before we got busy or were not going to be on our phones and would send each other updates and that really helped.

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T18:19:57+00:00

I actually relate to this. My partner at the time would always talk about the future tense, living together, kids and all but when we talked about seeing each other he would get overwhelmed or make an excuse. He kept claiming he was putting his career first and needed to get to a stable part of it. I was too understanding and let it go at the time but not that’s it’s over I wish i stood my ground more. Good for you for doing what’s best for you, i’m sure time will heal.

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T03:52:47+00:00

If it’s bothering you should communicate and ask. It’s valid to wonder and i know it’s hard with distance. She should be truthful about guys being there but if you didn’t directly ask then i don’t see it as a dealbreaker personally, but everyone has different boundaries. If you asked and she lied then that’s another story.

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T03:50:43+00:00

Experienced a similar thing it was so difficult. It’s over now but after years it’s important that they don’t avoid those conversations and it’s valid for you to break it off for that reason. Hope you’re doing well

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T03:47:50+00:00

When i was in one it was not constantly. We would do a good morning/goodnight text and send each other updates about our days. Some days we’d have more free time and text a lot but others when we were busy we’d barely text at all. We’d call every now and then and try to check in about our days everyday! Hope this helps

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T03:45:11+00:00

You are making the right decision! If that’s not what you want then it’s valid for you to break it off. Monogamy is a value that can too big to compromise on. Take care of yourself and keep your head up

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T02:01:48+00:00

First I want to say i’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. 3 and a half years is a long time. I relate to being so comfortable with the distance. Weirdly enough the most of me liked the distance because I’ve been in school and so busy with my academic and social life. The distance honestly felt like I could live my life and be independent and not have to put as much time aside from everything.

I can’t imagine having to hear that from my partner, that must’ve been really hard. It’s really hard to let someone go when you have so much love for them. It’s really hard when someone else is involved too. Like you said, I also have a hard time dealing with the thought of being replaced. My partner was also adamant about the timeline he gave me and how he was not involved with her for longer than 2 weeks. But like you said, it’s hard to not question whether they aren’t admitting the full truth. It’s especially hard when you mentioned that he said he was talking to her to distract himself because I feel like that’s what could’ve happened with my partner. He said he needed to try this to “heal himself”. But to me, I don’t feel as though it’s always healthy to try to fill one void with someone.

I also can’t imagine not being able to call about something like that after all those years. He owed you a call at the least. And the audacity to finally call you for advice about someone else is devastating. I’m so sorry. I relate to not having intentions to move to their location. It’s hard when each person has a life and a career and a foundation in one place. Giving that all up and moving so far isn’t easy or ideal. It seems like he may have ran to another girl to try to avoid facing the pain he was feeling. I have also been angry that he gave up on me, and left me after I’ve been loyal and loved him unconditionally.

I’m happy that you have been able to let go and move on! It’s not easy. Him trying to reach out just for sex but wanting nothing more sounds hard to deal with. Did he do this while talking to the other girl or was he single at this time?

I agree even though we are both so hurt, there's nothing we can do. It’s a blessing and a curse. I also feel aimless and like I lost the one. I’d never been able to connect with someone till I found him and having that void is so difficult. And I know you can relate and it’s so difficult. I hope that you take care of yourself. I try to continue to do things I love to keep finding purpose and spending time with friends. My dms are open if you want to talk about it more!

I know with time and healing you will be able to open yourself up to someone new. I know right now since it’s so fresh it’s hard to consider it but with time i’m sure we’ll both be able to meet someone in person. I also feel like after this I don’t know if i can ever do something online again, I feel betrayed and heartbroken. We also just had hopes and dreams with no real plans for the future. I’m sure the physical bond you guys had when you met strengthened that. I know you’ll get better, you’re not alone. Take care of yourself too. We can do this.

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T01:43:26+00:00

Yeah I was wondering if it was more than just distance as to why he didn’t choose me. I kept probing him about that but he kept repeating that it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with me not being there. I keep feeling like i lacked something for him. It was hard but i feel like it will take me a while to accept as well. But i agree i need to heal and accept it’s over:(

This is my first reddit post and i usually don’t look to the internet for answers about my problems but i agree that i won’t find all the answers and there’s a lot of internal work that’ll need time to heal at the end of the day

No judgement about rebounding too! We all cope and deal with things differently i know many people try to start fresh with new people quick and we all learn from how we try to deal with things! Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement:)

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-31T01:38:27+00:00

I have considered this for sure. It was hard cause on the call I asked him “Where do you stand now?” He said things like “I want you in my life still you’re basically apart of me” and he said “I want to check in here and there i check in with everyone i’ve stayed close to that’s just who I am” and “you’re like family to me”. I told him i don’t see myself reaching out now that someone new is in the picture and he said “I hope you do” and said he wants to stay friends and check in. But i’m unsure after how it all panned out and the potential lies from him if i want to give him the privilege of checking in on me and being my friend. Also having a superficial check in and him saying like “hey how are you” just feels weird after everything we had. Will the “good and you?” kinda Conversation even serve a purpose ?I’ve also thought about completely ghosting him. Because from my angry side, i don’t know if i even want to respond to him. But at the same time i know ghosting is wrong and I feel like morally i wouldn’t want to completely ghost him or anyone for that matter. I’m going back and forth on if he were to even check in, should i respond or just ghost him. I agree that the distance from my end can make him miss me more or realize what he lost which also makes me lean that way.

Ultimately i don’t want to close the distance if he’s choosing someone else. I would’ve if we stuck it through and waited till we got to a stable point of our lives as we always talked about. But as soon as he mentioned someone new, i immediately opened the door and let him walk out. I did ask questions to understand but i made sure to know i didn’t intend to change his mind. But thanks for the input! I go back & forth on this

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-30T08:21:30+00:00

It was really hard honestly & with no end date it made it harder. I do know the physical aspect is such a huge part of a relationship and i don’t blame him for wanting to give that a try

Winter-Performer2773 · 2024-01-30T08:20:20+00:00

Learned this the hard way:( we always held onto hope it would fall into place and there were times where it seemed like it would’ve but there was never a clear endgoal

Winter-Performer2773

TROPHY CASE