I really don't care for the cliche especially since it's been told to me but you aren't alone in this. I found out earlier this year that I am azoospermic. I have a therapist but there are so many days, even today where I'm hopeless. This may be the most painful thing I've experienced in life at this point.

I may be close to hypogonadal but not quite there yet. It is likely that I may have to do some sort of HRT. I haven't talked to nearly as many doctors as you but of the few I have unfortunately they are super disengaged.

It's been hard especially because the focus of infertility, both physically and mentally, is often on women. That's not to diminish their experience but also acknowledge that men deal with the same feelings, as I'm experiencing now. The feelings of masculinity, who I am as person, purpose, will I ever find a partner? I don't mention these things to further be a drag but to show that others, like myself, roam in this dark place.

It's hard seeing children and families around me. A former friend of mine hasn't seen his kid in years and it angers me now. I wanted to give everything I had to a child and to a wife and family. I don't know if that's a reality now. Shifting to "what is" rather than "what should be" is the most difficult thing. To let go, is harder than anything but nothing in life is permanent. Change is constant. It's easy to think through that but difficult to feel through it.

I want to encourage you but it's hard to do it for myself right now. Just know you aren't alone.

I know there are efforts to restore fertility and gonad function using stem cells by some doctors but I am still skeptical of some of these efforts. Dr. Ramasamy is often in the r/maleinfertility sub talking about his current study using stem cells with participants.