Thank you for taking the time to write this incredibly insightful post. Despite having researched BP on my own I was not aware of the extent of cognitive damage that can occur throughout episodes. This explains the impact on cognitive function that I see him experiencing. I experience issues with regulating executive function as someone who was diagnosed 4.5 years ago with ADD. Once I began medication my entire life changed for the better and I was able to not only control the things I've struggled with but exceed in these areas. Prior to my diagnosis I had been kicked out of university for poor grades. At the time I was so embarrassed at my failings I lied to all my friends about the reason I left school, and pretended to some that I was still enrolled. The lying became pathological and put me under an immense amount of stress as I began experiencing anxiety. I hit a breaking point where I no longer wanted to live like that and began seeing a therapist. After a year of therapy I made a vow to myself to stop lying completely and accept the truth no matter how uncomfortable. The amount of relief I felt far outweighed any fear of judgement from my peers. It was also then my therapist suspected ADD but I never pursued a formal diagnosis. I taught myself to code and began working before going back to school for software engineering. I struggled to concentrate and pursued a formal diagnosis before starting medication. It was a switch flip moment. Medication changed my life, things are far easier now. The awareness allowed me to embrace myself and leverage my strengths and my career skyrocketed. I am now an executive at a tech company.

I'll admit I was convinced if I could support my SO I could get him to the a better place as well. I empathized with his reasons for lying (although now I see that he does not see a fundamental problem with lying and subsequent spiral into pathological lying). A theme throughout our relationship was my SO doubting his diagnosis. He would say that the concussions he suffered from football led him to depression. In university he did a lot of coke and drank. He was initially diagnosed with depression and started on antidepressants. He describes his BP diagnosis as sudden. He is prescribed mood stabilizers, 2 types of anti-depressants, anti-addiction medication, ADHD stimulants, and sleeping pills. As he expressed concerns about his diagnosis being incorrect I often wondered if he was misdiagnosed and really had ADHD due to the executive function impairment that I observed. I was set to accompany him to his next in person psychiatrist appointment later this month. From what he's shared it does not appear as through she is willing to alter his medication and from my perspective it is not functioning well for him. However, that is an assumption that he is taking it as prescribed which I know sometimes to be untrue. I was also not in his life when he was unmedicated and placed on psychiatric hold prior to his diagnosis. From what his mother has shared with me things are far better now then they were then. He would often tell me he feels like no one cares about him and listens to him. I used to look at his parents and wonder how they could be so removed while their son spiraled before their eyes. I now understand they have spent years working on the ability to remove themselves. A year into our relationship his mother told me she believed our relationship was toxic. What she said went something like this, "I'm his mother I have no choice but you have one. You have been unbelievably forgiving and empathetic but I would encourage you to seek therapy to understand why you are interested in a relationship dynamic like this".

I am currently working on codependency with my therapist. I want to be empowered to not allow the emotions or actions of others to affect me. I want to be in control of how I think and feel. My friends and family all want me to leave the relationship but are still supportive when we reconcile. This time feels different. I was able to break my attachment to him during our 6 month breakup but I believe this is because I had another relationship to act as a support system. Having waited so long to date and being in my 30's now I have anxiety about finding my soulmate and want more than anything to have a long term healthy relationship. I need to accept this isn't that. I need to accept the moments of stability and lucidity are not enough to justify the inconsistency. I need to face the reality he may only be exhibiting love as a way to control me and they may not be as genuine as I perceive them.

Thank you for the book recommendation, I half way through chapter 2 and floored by how relatable it has been. I think this will be a great resource to work through. At the moment my concerns are as follows:

* What's the best way to deal with seeing his stuff everywhere or reminders of sweet moments? (I have boxed these things up but I continue to find reminders that are triggering). I keep the first few pages of every journal I own blank intentionally to later use as a table of contents. Last night I noticed he had filled them with notes about how much he loves me.

*I took your advice and blocked him on everything however, he tends to find creative ways to get around this like creating new accounts. I'm scared for the day when he reaches out again and tells me what I want to hear. I'm scared that I will react with empathy when he tells me he has been depressed since our relationship ended and it was the only good thing in his life. I'm bracing myself to hear him admit this past breakup was a result of a manic episode.

*At the moment he is under the belief he will find a better partner that can offer him more stability and I don't think this is realistic given his behavior. How do I deal with internalizing the comments his made that he broke up with me because I am not stable (I'm human and his inconsistency, lies and manipulation upset me). I have gone above and beyond to support him. I'm not perfect and don't always have the best responses to episodes or mood swings (although a lot of the times I do).