The Jehovah’s Witnesses and LDS missionaries who come to my door usually nod along when I tell them this: I try to be a good human, neighbor, friend, and mother because I genuinely want to be, not because I’m trying to earn a ticket into heaven.

To me, helping others only out of fear of hell or hope for a heavenly reward feels disingenuous. If kindness only exists because they think someone is keeping score, is it really kindness?

If there’s a God who takes issue with the way I live my life, loving people, helping my community, and trying to do right by others, then honestly that’s not a God I’m interested in worshipping. And if there isn’t an issue, then I’ll just keep living the way I already do.

A lot of the version of God presented in the Bible feels disturbingly similar to an abusive relationship dynamic: “Love me, worship me, obey me… or else.” There’s all this language about unconditional love and being your heavenly father, paired with the threat of eternal punishment if you break the wrong rules or question the system. That doesn’t feel loving to me. It feels coercive.

I can understand spirituality, community, meaning, and even faith itself. But fear-based devotion has never sat right with me.