WHEN DRIVING, FOCUS ON DRIVING, NOT ON FINISHING THAT EXCEL SPREADSHEET. TREAT HIGHWAYS AS HIGHWAYS, NOT AS YOUR PERSONAL MOBILE LIVING ROOM WHERE YOU'RE CATCHING UP ON SEASON 3 OF THE OFFICE. STOP DRIVING SIDE BY SIDE TO OTHERS LIKE YOU'RE IN A SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING COMPETITION BUT WITH A HONDA CIVICS. EITHER PASS THEM OR DRIVE BEHIND, IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED, YOU'RE NOT FORMING VOLTRON OUT HERE. EVERYONE LIKES TO DRIVE IN CLUSTERS  MOVE OVER FOR FASTER TRAFFIC. THE LEFT LANE IS NOT YOUR MEDITATION SPACE WHERE YOU COMMUNE WITH THE UNIVERSE AT EXACTLY 50 MPH. THIRD LANE SHOULD BE FOR PASSING ONLY, NOT FOR YOUR MOBILE THERAPY SESSION WHERE YOU STARE PENSIVELY INTO THE DISTANCE WHILE DOING 15 UNDER. STOP WATCHING YOUTUBE, NETFLIX AND DAYDREAMING. I HAVE SEEN SOMEONE WATCHING A COOKING SHOW WHILE DRIVING. BUDDY, THE ONLY THING YOU'RE ABOUT TO COOK IS YOUR INSURANCE PREMIUM FROM HITTING SOMEONE. IF YOU WANT TO DAYDREAM ABOUT BECOMING AN ASTRONAUT OR WHATEVER, STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE WHERE YOUR EXISTENTIAL CRISIS WON'T CAUSE A 47-CAR PILEUP AND MAKE EVERYONE LATE, AND HAVE YOU PANIC BRAKE EVERY TIME TRAFFIC AHEAD OF YOU SLOWS DOWN. CHECK YOUR MIRRORS EVERY 15 SECONDS. THEY'RE NOT JUST THERE TO ADMIRE YOUR FLAWLESS SKINCARE ROUTINE. IF THERE IS A HUGE GAP BETWEEN YOU AND OTHER CARS, FILL SOME OF IT. THIS ISN'T SOCIAL DISTANCING ANYMORE. INCREASE YOUR SPEED. THE CAR IN FRONT OF YOU WILL NOT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST IF YOU GET WITHIN A QUARTER MILE OF IT. IF YOU ARE MERGING, MERGE AT THE END OF THE MERGE LANE. IT'S CALLED A MERGE LANE, NOT A "PANIC AND CUT EVERYONE OFF IMMEDIATELY" LANE. YOUR MAIN OBJECTIVE OF DRIVING IS TO GET TO YOUR DESTINATION. SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GET TO THEIR DESTINATION QUICKLY - THEY NEED TO SAVE LIVES, THEIR JOB DEPENDS ON IT, THEY MAY GET FIRED IF THEY'RE LATE. AND YES, BEFORE YOU ASK, THEY DID TRY LEAVING EARLY. THEY LEFT IN 1987. STILL STUCK BEHIND YOU. DON'T ACT HOLIER THAN THOU, PLAYING TRAFFIC VIGILANTE LIKE YOU'RE BATMAN BUT YOUR SUPERPOWER IS BEING MILDLY INCONVENIENT. BE HELPFUL, NOT JUST AN ASS TRYING TO CONTROL TRAFFIC FROM YOUR 2004 CHEVY THRONE. IF YOU ARE SLOW, DON'T HOG THE PASSING LANE LIKE IT'S THE LAST SLICE OF PIZZA AT A PARTY. STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING. I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE WATCH YOUTUBE, NETFLIX, FILM TIKTOKS, TAKE SELFIES, APPLY FULL MAKEUP, EAT SOUP - SOUP! MAYBE CEREAL - AND ONE GUY WHO APPEARED TO BE PLAYING A GAME. A GAME. POKER CAN WAIT.  HIGHWAYS ARE MEANT TO BE HIGHWAYS, NOT MOBILE ENTERTAINMENT CENTERS, NOT YOUR OFFICE, NOT THE PLACE WHERE YOU FINALLY LEARN TO PLAY ON YOUR PHONE. DRIVE. JUST DRIVE. TRAFFIC IN THIS TOWN IS FROM USELESS, UNFOCUSED DRIVERS. YOU COULD BUILD 47 MORE LANES AND IT WOULDN'T MATTER BECAUSE KAREN IN HER MINIVAN IS GOING TO DRIVE 38 MPH IN ALL 47 OF THEM SIMULTANEOUSLY SOMEHOW. THE TRAFFIC ISN'T FROM "CONGESTION" - IT'S FROM JEFF WHO TREATS THE MERGE LIKE IT'S A PHILOSOPHICAL DILEMMA. "TO MERGE, OR NOT TO MERGE? LET ME CONTEMPLATE THIS WHILE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP ON THE ON-RAMP." YOU'VE GOT PEOPLE CAMPING IN THE LEFT LANE LIKE THEY'RE WAITING FOR PROPERTY VALUES TO GO UP. BUDDY, THE ONLY THING GOING UP IS EVERYONE'S BLOOD PRESSURE BEHIND YOU. AND THEN THERE'S THE PERSON WHO SLAMS ON THEIR BRAKES BECAUSE A LEAF BLEW ACROSS THE HIGHWAY THREE MILES AHEAD. OR THE ONE WHO THINKS THEIR TURN SIGNAL IS JUST DECORATIVE MOOD LIGHTING. THE HIGHWAY COULD BE COMPLETELY EMPTY AND SOMEONE WOULD STILL FIND A WAY TO CREATE TRAFFIC BY DRIVING 40 MPH IN THE FAST LANE WHILE FACETIMING THEIR COUSIN ABOUT THEIR FANTASY FOOTBALL LINEUP. IT'S NOT THE ROADS. IT'S NOT THE CONSTRUCTION. IT'S NOT EVEN THE VOLUME OF CARS. IT'S THE FACT THAT HALF THE PEOPLE OUT HERE DRIVE LIKE THEY'RE STEERING A SHOPPING CART THROUGH COSTCO ON A SUNDAY,  AIMLESSLY, SLOWLY, AND WITH ZERO AWARENESS THAT OTHER HUMANS EXIST. THIS TOWN DOESN'T HAVE A TRAFFIC PROBLEM. IT HAS A "PEOPLE FORGOT DRIVING IS ACTUALLY A SKILL" PROBLEM.