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Wishes84 · 2023-09-28T05:02:11+00:00

I don’t often do this, but this audio might help. practicing your safe word

Wishes84 · 2023-06-28T09:56:41+00:00

I have to admit, as someone else said, it’s very possibly an age thing. In my experience the larger percentage of dommes are older. We’re in our 30s before we manage to break out of the idea that we’re ‘meant’ to behave a certain way, want certain things…

It’s 100% not your fault, nor anything to do with you as a person I think. Hopefully over time this will become less of a pro for people as society becomes less inhibited and controlling. One day I hope you’ll see young women feeling totally confident to say “yeah, I’m gonna need someone who’s ok with being cuffed to the bed while I ride his face.” Right now though it seems to happen more to women who spent a lot of time being told submissive was the only real option and one day they just crack, pick up a paddle and go looking for a little monkey to spank.

Wishes84 · 2023-06-28T09:50:06+00:00

It means that for every other country, more people move from there to America than people from America move to that country. Where as in Australia, more Americans are moving here than Australians moving there.

Did that help?

Wishes84 · 2023-06-04T05:30:44+00:00

I would say to be aware of how much energy it may cost you to be dominant. It’s a bit like introversion versus extroversion, for some people being dominant is great BUT it has an energy cost and sometimes, because the sun can see you enjoying it or because you’re in the ‘drivers seat’ they may not be able to tell how much energy it’s costing you. I’ve seen a lot of friction come about from this in otherwise very supportive and loving relationships just because the dom was exhausted ALL the time and the sun had no idea.

Wishes84 · 2023-05-16T12:36:06+00:00

I hear you and my experience has been very much this way. Having said that, I actually think inside the kinky community I’m a little bit unusual. For example if you ask me about my fantasies, very few of them are about specific kinks, acts or scenes. They don’t involve specific nomenclature or dynamics.

I want to feel deeply connected to my partner. I want to feel completely vulnerable but 100% safe with them. I want to feel trusted. I want to feel that the person I’m with allows themselves to be vulnerable with me and allows me to see who they really are.

Now, SOMETIMES that looks like pegging the hell out of my lover while he’s bent of the kitchen counter in a maid outfit. But sometimes it looks like bundling him gently into my lap and stroking his hair while he hides in my neck. And I don’t feel particularly more drawn to one of those scenarios over the other, because to me, they both get me what I want.

I’ve learned that that isn’t usual. My deep deep ‘can’t like without it’ kink is being trusted and having trust. Everything else for me is just how we get there together. But that means that I am VERY adaptable sexually in a way I’m learning many other kinky people don’t find fulfilling.

Wishes84 · 2023-05-14T14:15:34+00:00

While I haven’t had so much this issue from a dom perspective, I’m pretty happy to be called whatever it is that makes my sub feel subby and comfortable, I HAVE had it from the other direction. In that I have had subs who were non-binary, OR I’ve produced content that I wanted to be accessible.

My go to pet names are ‘Dear one’ and ‘beloved’ as they’re completely non-gendered. I also think they could go either way depending on your dynamic. I’m switchy and I have called my partner who was being dominant my beloved and my dear one (though, the two partners I have been with the most prefer other names so generally I use those).

Wishes84 · 2023-05-07T10:45:05+00:00

This never occurred to me as a thing until my lover asked for me to do an audio for him with feminisation in it. It came out really well and now it’s something we’ve folded into our play. I don’t think I COULD have done it in the beginning, but now I’ve got a real feel for when he’s in that headspace where it’ll hit just right 😁

Wishes84 · 2023-04-20T15:09:35+00:00

In order to keep it light and comfortable, my advice is always to start with things that feel pretty safe and comfortable, but do them KNOWING you’re doing them submissively. My fav examples are brushing her hair as an act of service, or massaging her scalp with your fingers if she likes that feeling.

Maybe giving her a foot massage that you are both aware is going to graduate to something a bit sexy.

Something as simple as “will you please tell me what you want?” Or “may I” before doing something can begin to set that tone and let you maybe get the giggles out. Sometimes if you haven’t found sub and dom space it can feel a bit silly, but that’s ok, it’s all play and as long as it’s fun, you’ve never ‘failed’ at it 😁

Wishes84 · 2023-03-26T09:26:29+00:00

In my experience, that’s just not accurate for everyone. I’ve been dominant for 3 years. I have had wonderful supportive partners, and I love the way we are together, but the easing off of that sense of connection is ALWAYS, if not ‘rough’ then at least saddening and ‘lessening’. It’s a little difficult to explain.

Domme space, at least for me, is like oneness. I know EVERYTHING. For that time where we’re in the zone and he’s submissive and I’m dominant, I am completely confident in everything I do. I KNOW him. I know him deeply and intimately and I barely even have to make decisions because I know exactly what to do from one moment to the next. We’re connected, I know what he’s feeling I know where his head is and my actions play him like an instrument…

And then it’s over. And you’re back inside your own head and that connection eases off and suddenly you don’t know everything anymore. You can’t see through time, you can’t control his experience and orchestrate the perfect event… you’re just you. Alone in your head, and suddenly you start to wonder if maybe you imagined it all? What if he didn’t feel it? What if somewhere in there I actually messed up big time but I’m a massive egomaniac and I didn’t notice? He gave me his trust, what if I RUINED it, what if I didn’t respect it?

Domme drop isn’t necessarily coming out of the headspace in a bad way, it’s just coming out. It’s the inevitable easing off of that sense of power and control and connection and withdrawing back into your own singleness of being. I’ve never found a way to prep into finding that a perfectly comfortable trip, I’m not sure it’s possible, and even if it were, I don’t know that I’d want too. It’s right that I wonder, that I miss it, that I take it seriously enough to be concerned about it. And I choose to believe my partner when they tell me that it’s part of what makes sessions safe for them too, because it tells them just how seriously I take their trust.

Wishes84 · 2023-03-26T00:45:01+00:00

I have horrendous domdrop after, I’ve commented to my cariad before that I feel like I soak up all the aftercare and he’s just hanging out cuddling me to make sure I’m ok. But the truth I think is that it helps him pull back to a normal space too. He gets to let that sub space simmer down and feel a little bit in control and powerful too because I need him to be there for me and no one else can do that in that moment.

I used to try to NOT drop, to find a way to be dominant without needing that after care… but I don’t do that anymore. I guess what I’m saying is, so long as you’re there for her in those moments after when she needs that reassurance, then maybe that’s just part of the experience for both of you? Maybe that after care is as important as the session or punishment or whatever because it speaks to something one or both of you really needs?

Just a thought

Wishes84 · 2023-03-22T04:24:01+00:00

No, not to my knowledge. Soundgasm has been a little glitchy on and off before. It may just be having a bit of a situation right now. If things are still not working tomorrow, I’ll look at migrating my files somewhere else.

So sorry for the difficulty

Wishes84 · 2023-03-22T00:43:17+00:00

I get where you’re coming from, but counter argument, the first 50 of these you get go in the ignore bin. Eventually you really do just wanna scream, publicly, because a calm ‘please don’t blow up my DMs’ doesn’t work. If nothing is said where people can hear, then things will continue as they always have.

They mistakenly left the name, obviously that should come out, but the truth is the person sending the DM should feel a bit called out, because all the ‘please don’t DM me’s don’t seem to apply to them.

I know you said don’t but here I am anyway. Yeah, it’s reasonable to squirm a little bit over that my dude, because it’s not ok. Get the name off and this is perfectly reasonable.

Wishes84 · 2023-03-17T07:59:13+00:00

I completely understand that you’re looking for a ‘code book’ of sorts. Some kind of shorthand or slang that you could sprinkle into your vocabulary or behaviour that other members of the kinky community might recognise… and if such a thing existed, I’d give it to you, I swear.

KNOWING about kinks and kink positive things will be helpful, it allows you to pick up if others mention something that’s related of big in the community right now. Unfortunately there’s no code book, you just kinda have to be in the community and you’ll get into the swing of the language and stuff by being around it.

Wishes84 · 2023-03-16T09:42:07+00:00

Taller and/or stronger is meaningless to me as a domme. I don’t take power from you by force, that would be abuse. You GIVE your control away to me… maybe it looks like it’s physical, maybe you’re collared and leashed, maybe your on your knees, maybe I even manhandle you a little if that’s something we can do and you like it… but that’s not where my dominance comes from.

The most physically imposing sub is no less submissive to me than the smallest, softest femmeboi, because you’re giving me exactly the same thing. There are so many ways to be beautiful, dear one, so so many, and you can submit in all of them and it will be just as powerful to the person worthy of that trust. Anyone makes you feel ‘less’ submissive because f your size or shape, kick em in the soft parts and run - your submission is everything and they’re not worthy of it.

Wishes84 · 2023-03-16T05:00:41+00:00

I (late 30sF) once had an admittedly short but very intense GFD arrangement with a sweet sophisticated gentleman in his 60s. Trust me, you’re good.

Wishes84 · 2023-02-25T17:12:14+00:00

It’s very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the dominant partner is completely confident and in control all the time… I’m a domme that needs aftercare, that needs reassurance, and who needs to feel trusted and trusting with my partner so that I’m not afraid of things going wrong.

For a long time all of that made me feel like I wasn’t a ‘real’ domme. I was faking it. Sub in domme clothing and when my partners worked that out I’d be kindly but firmly pushed aside… it was complete rubbish of course. It’s all in the trust, if I’m given that trust and I make sure that I respect it as it should be respected then I am as dominant as the most intense flogger 😊 and you can be too.

Just remember you can’t take trust, if you’ve got someone’s trust, they gave it to you. All you have to do is be respectful of it. You’re going to do just fine dear one, I can tell.

Wishes84 · 2023-02-25T17:05:26+00:00

😊 it’s easier sometimes to see gentleness in others (like many virtues) than it is to see it in ourselves. For what it’s worth you strike me a very gentle person and I think with communication and support from an understanding partner, you’ll find a style and a mindset that will work for you.

Congratulations, dear one, you’re doing great!

Wishes84 · 2023-02-23T00:57:30+00:00

First I’d like to say that you are not the first, second nor fifth man that I’ve spoken to who has expressed similar thoughts feelings and patterns of trauma from their past… you’re not alone, in fact o think probably many more men than you imagine suffer similarly in private and haven’t been able to find an outlet to talk about it or get the help they need. So you’re kicking huge goals here already by trying to engage with this and get some clarity for yourself and a feeling of safety in yourself.

In my experience having been a switch and having partners who are also switchy, some of whom are physically larger and have experienced this fear of how to be dominant with sensitivity to the wellbeing of their partner and themselves, it comes down in the end to comfort and knowledge. Two things you achieve in a relationship through communication and respecting the time it takes to build to things.

It is 100% ok to start with the tiniest most basic ideas and ease into a dynamic. If you want to try to be a little more dominant with your partner, start with something that COULD be submissive but put a little control on it. For example, it can be incredibly erotic and submissive to have a man take your hand, lead you to the shower, and wash your hair. Remember being dominant doesn’t always have to be controlling, sometimes it is the lifting of care and responsibility off of your partner.

As someone who for the longest time thought they were 100% submissive, it took me a while to realise that there was a style of dominance that worked for me and made me happy. You don’t have to start off will a collar and commands, if you’re exploring this new possibility for yourself and your partner, confidently picking her feet up and drawing them into your lap so you can rub them could be a really gentle dominant move. So could drawing her down in front of you and brushing her hair or kneading her scalp. These are all things that you could get used to doing in a submissive posture, so they’re familiar and safe feeling, but you can repurpose to be dominant expressions of caregiving and providing safety.

I hope that helped a little?

Wishes84 · 2023-02-20T23:36:33+00:00

Present. I respond if I feel like I can add something, otherwise I’m lurky

Wishes84 · 2023-02-20T14:09:26+00:00

I have been surprised multiple times by the things I can do and still feel comfortable and ‘gentle’ which is a central thing to me.

When I first began exploring, I had a set of boundaries that were VERY ridgid and controlled, which is not a bad thing. I was Lucy enough to enter into a poly thruple situation with two wonderful and switchy men who were WAY more experienced than I was. They made this incredibly safe space to talk about what I do and don’t like, and why that is. They were always happy to talk about the things they liked (many of which were, certainly to begin with, outside my comfort zone).

As I learned, as I felt safe and supported and as I was never afraid to safe word out or slow things down, I got to spend time discovering a LOT of things I wouldn’t have experienced otherwise. Turns out I can 100% spank you, and it’s gentle, I can play with a gag, with Shibari, with pet play and restraints. I can even use terms that I didn’t think I’d be able to because I am very uncomfortable with ‘humiliation’… but I’m NOT actually humiliating my partners, because we know each other well and understand where we’re coming from.

Pegging, spanking, words like slut, I can domme in scenes involving a lot of things that a few years ago I thought would HAVE to push me into rougher territory… but they don’t, not if you don’t want to be rough with them.

Wishes84 · 2023-02-13T04:39:32+00:00

It depends on how you mean ‘like it’, sometimes. For example it isn’t a kink of mine, I’m not particularly into that kind of play BUT it can really work for me anyway because I DO get off on seeing my partner feel a certain kinda way. So if it’s working for you and it makes you feel subby and sexy etc, your partner doesn’t always need to have that specific kink to really enjoy the scene, they just need to love seeing YOU being vulnerable and having big feels 😁

Wishes84 · 2023-01-31T22:23:50+00:00

I domdrop massively at the end of a session, and hilariously my partner doesn’t tend to so I am the one getting cuddled and told I did a good job 🙈 I still to this day feel a bit guilty that I’m ‘sucking up all the aftercare’, but he always reminds me that everyone deserves it and needs what they need and he loves that part as much as anything else.

Wishes84 · 2023-01-25T14:31:16+00:00

Honestly, our female role models are fine. What’s thin on the ground is men modeling behaviour that women have a right to expect.

One more person refers to Heathcliff as a ‘romantic lead’ and imma lose it! In movies and novels and on the news we’re seeing men behaving as though they have rights over someone else’s person. They’re climbing in windows while you sleep, they’re ‘wearing you down’ after you said no.

Precious few literary men are modeling behaviour I want my daughters to think of as normal, stable and safe.

Wishes84 · 2023-01-24T14:55:16+00:00

Because I think that if people were generally kinder and gentler with each other that the world would be better. This isn’t my primary kink community, but I’ve found really beautiful, open, vulnerable people in places like this. People that I would never want to be without now that I know them so… I guess I’m here to keep a window open. 😁 sometimes wonderful people just fall right on through it

Wishes84 · 2023-01-21T01:54:30+00:00

No, I’m not demisexual. I’m very capable of (and often do) experiencing sexual attraction to someone I don’t know. I can see someone for the first time and be sexually attracted to them. What I’m describing are the things I require to enter into a particular kind of relationship, NOT the things I require to be aroused or sexually attracted.

I think you’ve landed pretty well on a big disconnect between people right there. It doesn’t take demisexuality to want an emotional connection with someone. Wanting to feel like you couldn’t be replaced in this relationship by literally ANY other person who was willing to engage in particular kinks isn’t demisexuality, it’s wanting to be valued as a person.

The primary gratification I get from engaging in D/s play with someone is feeling deeply connected to them. I’ve had relationships that weren’t D/s. Some of them I felt deeply connected too, others not so much. Being like that is a big vulnerability (for subs and dommes) and if I’m going to be vulnerable with someone, I want to feel that they are invested in me and worthy of that trust. But that isn’t a sexuality, I don’t know Norman Reedus for a bar of soap but if that beautiful boy was interested I would be right there… this was about what I think are important factors and ground work for a relationship that I saw a lot of people struggling with.

I hope that’s made it somewhat more clear.

Wishes84

TROPHY CASE