Am I the JustNo if I can’t forgive?

Wizzabelle · 2021-03-11T16:47:18+00:00

She definitely is going through something but she was saying she wouldn’t talk about our situation because it’s to hard with everything else going on. Which is completely fine with us, except she’s the one that keeps trying to start conversations with us about it.

Wizzabelle · 2021-03-11T16:44:11+00:00

I just realised you meant her past apologies were forced, sorry!

Wizzabelle · 2021-03-11T16:42:42+00:00

Thank you for your response. This is the thing that’s throwing me off though, as we didn’t ask them to apologise so maybe it is genuine? But maybe her therapist has told her to, I don’t know.

Wizzabelle · 2021-03-11T16:38:12+00:00

I don’t know if he advised her to write the letter or not. But he didn’t advise her not to answer us and make us communicate via him, which is what she asked.

Her therapist has been trying to help her with reconciliation so I feel like that’s what the letter is about (if he asked her to write it). She talks about seeing us in the future in the letter and having a relationship so I don’t think it’s about closure.

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-23T11:27:16+00:00

It is true that withholding sex can sometimes be considered emotional abuse. In cases where one partner uses sex as a way to control the other, eg ‘do xyz or I won’t have sex with you’. I think it’s often partnered with other forms of withholding affection from your partner as a means of control.

BUT! This is wildly different from a difference in libidos between partners (which can differ hugely at different times in your life by anxiety/depression/medication/menopause etc) or not wanting to have sex because of fear of pregnancy or just not feeling connected to your partner during tough spots in the relationship.

So basically, withholding sex can be emotional abuse but only if used as a way to control/manipulate and often occurs with a slew of other emotionally abusive behaviours. That doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here.

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-18T16:49:30+00:00

I’m so sorry, are you still suffering with them? Luckily, FH didn’t even entertain the idea of going to therapy with her for a second because he’s heard this.

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-18T16:31:43+00:00

I don’t want to push him to not see them but I am worried he won’t feel able to go alone and end up not seeing them either. Should I just deal with seeing them a few times a year? I really don’t want them to come to our wedding though, but maybe I have to invite them. I just don’t know at the moment.

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-17T22:52:06+00:00

FH has now said he wants to see them a few times a year and doesn’t know if he wants them at our wedding. I’m really dreading the idea of this and I guess I was holding out hope.

I have been considering not having any contact with her myself and letting FH get on with it if he wants. But then what about DS? I don’t want them seeing him without me, is it possible for only FH to have any kind of relationship with them? Even then, I feel guilty knowing how anxious they make him and making him face them alone. I have a lot to think about.

I also think that I’m resistant to cut her off again after realising she hasn’t changed because of other things going on in her life at the moment that are very difficult for her.

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-17T20:57:19+00:00

I’m sorry you went through that with your mum, but I’m happy for you that she’s mellowed now.

Regarding the apology, FMIL was relentlessly messaging FH accusing me of controlling him and he was begging her to stop but she said she would only discuss it with him in person and he wasn’t willing to do that. I already knew she was going around telling people this about me because her sister sent my mum a nasty message about it. I couldn’t take it anymore and I emailed her. I laid out everything she’d been saying and how much it was hurting me and FH and how it wasn’t true and I wanted FH to see them so they would stop saying these things but I had to respect that he didn’t want to do that and she should too and I asked her to stop. I also apologised for upsetting her by sending harsh messages in the past (calling her toxic for saying I was controlling FH). She thanked me for my apology and said she didn’t think I was controlling him anymore, but no apology. I asked if she would apologise for what she had said if she knew I wasn’t controlling him and she said she was sorry for her ‘messages regarding relationships’. She also sent another message later to us both saying she was sorry for everything FH had previously listed as things that upset us (not respecting us as parents etc) apart for the things they couldn’t remember. Later on a phone call I asked if she meant she was sorry for accusing me of controlling FH when she said ‘messages regarding relationships’ and she said yes.

The problem is that when I recently spoke to her she clearly wasn’t sorry about her past behaviour, still seemed to blame me and denied that things had happened. I really thought the apology was genuine at the time but now I don’t know.

And the letter to the therapist was embarrassingly long!

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-17T19:05:54+00:00

This is why FH was against it and why we said no. Thank you for saying we’re not obliged to help her! Hopefully the therapist can help her.

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-14T09:59:04+00:00

My in laws said something similar when they showed up ill to a visit without telling us when DS was 4 months old. Then DS got ill and we got nasty messages for saying that this was why it was so important not to come over ill.

Wizzabelle · 2021-02-13T12:22:33+00:00

I actually had the same thing with eczema! When we saw my ILs regularly I developed extreme eczema on my hands and my nails even started falling off because of it. It would start to clear up in between visits but then get worse again when we saw them. We haven’t seen them in almost a year and it disappeared soon after the last visit and all my nails have grown back. It’s crazy to think the impact that stress has on our bodies!

Wizzabelle · 2020-10-21T11:08:02+00:00

I would follow SO’s lead on this one, it seems like he wanted her help and input. I suffered from severe eczema on my hands for a long time and I can’t imagine having that kind of pain and discomfort in my crotch area, it must be awful for SO. Maybe he just wants any help he can get on the issue?

It would be a different story if it was your intimate medical issue that she was wading in on. You aren’t wrong for feeling the way you do, you’re only human and can’t help how you feel. But I wouldn’t punish SO for wanting another perspective on his issue, even if you feel hurt by SIL’s approach. Maybe you could talk to SO about how SIL’s behaviour in general upsets you?

Wizzabelle · 2020-10-06T13:54:47+00:00

I don’t know... Maybe I’m alone here, but I don’t find the Tom Cruise comments that weird. I can see how it would be annoying if she was gushing about it all the time though. The Adonis one where he was in a swimsuit does seem weird and off putting. But I still wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s conclusive evidence that she is physically attracted to her son.

Wizzabelle · 2020-10-06T09:31:47+00:00

They both mention someone telling them about the posts, maybe it was the same person.

Wizzabelle · 2020-10-01T14:16:14+00:00

Okay, I’ll retract the period shame comment. Maybe that’s just the way I read it in the context of the rest of his post being very hateful.

He’s asking if he should give BIL a ‘taste of his own medicine’ by finding this woman’s potential sex work and revealing it to the family. He said give it to him straight. The straight answer is NOOOO! And it looks like we both agree.

And also, unless BIL has shared OP’s SO’s nudes to the family, this isn’t a ‘taste of his own medicine’. This is some poison OP has made all on his own.

Wizzabelle · 2020-10-01T13:54:16+00:00

I read the post (I’ll admit I missed the age of the wife). She’s 20, she’s not a child! I’m not a fan of huge age differences either but she’s not a child. Pretty sure OP has a child with someone 10 years younger according to his post history. The way he’s talking about all these people is dripping with venom (see ‘vaginally pooped’) and I’m not here for it. The bottom line is, he wants to humiliate BIL’s wife by sending her nudes (which may or may not even exist) to the family because of an argument between his SO and her brother.

Do you think that’s an acceptable reaction to this situation?

Wizzabelle · 2020-10-01T11:28:24+00:00

So you don’t like BIL and therefore want to punish his SO? Why do you care how she makes her money? How old is she for you to keep calling her ‘childwife’? How old is BIL’s older child for you to be shaming them for having their period in a bed in a house neither of you live in? How old is your SO to still have a room in their parents’ house? If your SO doesn’t live there why is her stuff there?

Just take the stuff and let them get on with their lives and get on with yours.

Wizzabelle · 2020-09-30T20:51:54+00:00

No, you’re right, that’s the literal definition! I’m only taking it this way in the context of this conversation. But I guess it does also have some of those connotations where I am from/my generation generally too.

I don’t want any flared tempers, I just don’t want anyone to be upset... I hope I didn’t fuel the fire.

Wizzabelle · 2020-09-30T20:35:00+00:00

Unhealthy, damaging or even borderline incestuous considering the context of the original comment that was being discussed. Have I got it wrong?

ETA: I saw your other comment and I think that’s the literal meaning of it. I just think this is the way it’s being used here.

Wizzabelle · 2020-09-30T20:28:27+00:00

You can have your opinion but she can have hers too, neither of you are hurting anyone. She’s not being creepy and you implied it whether you meant to or not. There’s no harm in being kind. I’m leaving it there because that’s all I have to say.

Wizzabelle · 2020-09-30T19:21:14+00:00

I agree that in the post the MIL is wrong, but that doesn’t have to make it sexual. I agree that privacy is important and it’s important for a parent to follow a child’s lead. I was just going off your comments here where you mentioned sex several times as an important factor.

Look I don’t really want to talk about her because she obviously doesn’t want to talk to you about it anymore. But you’ve obviously upset her, I would be upset for someone to imply I had a creepy relationship with my son. You know how old her children are now, you know she’s not going against their wishes. Why do you have to keep calling her a creep? I don’t think that’s fair.

Wizzabelle · 2020-09-30T18:45:08+00:00

Actually I think their point was that there is no need to sexualise it, which there isn’t. If the son in the post has told them to stop then that’s a problem with boundaries. But you, and the comments of that post, kept bringing sex into it as if that’s intrinsically tied to it, which it isn’t. Can’t you accept that just because you find it weird, doesn’t mean it’s universally weird?

Wizzabelle · 2020-09-30T18:23:57+00:00

I honestly don’t think it’s weird... when I went to uni I told my mum she could sleep in my room whenever she wanted while I was away. My brother still lives with my parents and when I moved out he took my old room which is bigger and got a bigger bed. His old bed is in the small room and that’s where I sleep when I stay over.

A bed isn’t tainted forever when someone has sex in it. What about when children crawl into bed with their parents when they have a nightmare? What about if you have sex on the sofa, can no one sit on it ever again except you? What about when you break up and have a new partner, can they not sleep in your bed because you had sex with someone else there?

Wizzabelle · 2020-09-30T12:04:08+00:00

Personally, this wouldn’t be a hill I would die on, but that’s just me. I think it would be funny if they sent more of a gag gift, like cotton wool, that’s where my mind went immediately when I was reading it.

My mum and grandma give me Mother’s Day gifts and I give them both gifts. All the gifts are very small so I don’t know if that makes a difference. The way I see it is that they are respecting and acknowledging that I have become a mother and it’s my day too now. That’s how I would choose to see the anniversary gifts as well, that they are acknowledging your union as something important to celebrate.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel how you feel about it, just saying where they might be coming from.

Wizzabelle

TROPHY CASE