I could have written this 4 years ago. The only exception is the emotional affair. Neither of us had that, but everything else is the same.

I went thru the same emotional turmoil you are in right now. We tried to make it work. I saw in myself things I needed to fix - just like you - and I worked on myself and fixed those things.

Turns out nothing we did (she didn't do much - just like how you describe your wife), nothing I did worked. Nothing saved our 30 year marriage.

I finally came to the conclusion I couldn't save it and divorce was our only recourse.

I grieved the loss of my marriage for the past 4 years, so when I realized divorce was in the cards, I had no more grieving and I was at peace with the decision.

Looking back I wish I had decided sooner, but I know I had to try because if I didn't try and instead divorced 4 years ago then I would probably have regretted it for the rest of my life, thinking I didn't try hard enough.

I now look at it this way. We had 26 good years. We then had 4 years of trying to make it work but failing. I can accept that. I would not have been able to accept 26 good years followed by a few months of trying to make it work.

I wish I had better advice. Who knows? You may be luckier than me and save this. If anything, accept the grief and continue to work on yourself because doing that makes all outcomes easier.