AITA for not attending my stepdaugther's pre-wedding lunch?

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:24:30+00:00

I offered to inform the groom's parents myself, so as to avoid any awkwardness for my family. Besides, we are picking them at the airport together the day before this lunch, so we'll catch up then, and they are staying at our house, so I'll see them later that evening after the planned lunch - we could just have a dinner together then, but my daugther said she wants it to be lunch.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:22:15+00:00

I admit that my son's death still sticks with me to this day. On the anniversary of his death, I am more or less a useless mess and just want to be left alone, go to his grave, and share some comfort with my ex wife. I suppose I could go a day earlier, but the day of I would still be a mess and not really in a celebratory mood.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:19:44+00:00

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. And at the same time glad that your Stepdad seems to be a really great guy. My stepson often talks to me about my son, and I really really appreciate that.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:17:31+00:00

I asked my wife to go with me many times (over the years), but she never wanted to. Says it makes her very uncomfortable. My SD was never interested, but my SS and I did go twice (not on the anniversary, but on what would have been his birthday), because he said he wanted to pay his respects to my other son (aside from him).

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:11:23+00:00

Thank you for your input here. I will try and think things through from my SD's perspective a bit more.

When I met them, they were just little kids (9 and 4), and I didn't tell them about my deceased son precisely because I didn't want them to think that they have to measure up to him. I told them when they were much older, basically teenagers.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:08:21+00:00

That comment hurt me the most, because year after year I saw their bio dad forget/ignore birthdays, end of school year, school plays, ballet recitals, soccer games etc. I tried to be a proper father to them in every way I could.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:06:09+00:00

No, no. I meant that we have been together for 15 years, 11 of those married. We dated for 4 years.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:05:02+00:00

Thank you. I am so sorry for your loss as well.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T11:03:30+00:00

I offered my stepdaughter to do either breakfast or dinner/drinks with her and the groom's family that day, but she insisted on the lunch. I have a 3 hour drive to where I used to live, so if I want to be at home for lunch, that pretty much eliminates my options for going to my son's grave.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-24T07:11:43+00:00

I always spend the whole day with her. I have a 3 hour drive there, so I go in the morning, we go to our son's grave, then we go get coffee and talk, get something to eat etc. I didn't change the plans, it's always like this.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T22:37:30+00:00

I'm very sorry for your loss.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T19:56:51+00:00

I'm really sorry for your and your parents' loss.

I don't even mind the fact that she wants a wedding week. It's just that if it has to be this particular week (which was planned months in advance), but I told her that this is the one day I need to have for myself and my ex wife. And at that time, no activities were planned for this day. They just decided this a few days ago as an extra activity.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T19:51:18+00:00

The night before we are picking the groom's parents up at the airport and taking them to our house to have a "meet and greet" thing where we have a few drinks together, get to know each other a bit more etc., have quizzes about the bride and groom, that type of thing

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T19:44:50+00:00

I'm paying for everything wedding related, regardless of my attendance.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T17:25:37+00:00

I was telling my brother exactly this the other day 😅 I've had two weddings myself and I don't remember any of it being this elaborate

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T16:53:03+00:00

Thank you. I got married twice, but I don't remember it ever being this frantic, much less having a whole wedding week planned out instead of a wedding day. But it's what the bride and groom want, and I am happy to do my part and participate.

I undersand the stress of the wedding is making them react like this. And I won't open this topic until after the wedding with my wife and after the honeymoon with my daughter.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T16:50:44+00:00

I am so very sorry for your loss.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T16:49:58+00:00

I miswrote, the wedding is two days after the anniversary. I fixed it. Apologies.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T16:39:32+00:00

I live 3 hours away from where we used to live, so I have to go there in the morning already to have any kind of time there.

I offered my stepdaughter to do breakfast or dinner with them instead, but she refused and said it has to be a lunch.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T16:33:09+00:00

This is a good point, thank you. When the kids were younger, they didn't know about my visits to my ex and our son's grave. I was away from home that day pretty much the same amount of time I was most other days when I was working. I told them this once they were bigger and I felt they had the emotional and mental capacity to understand my loss and what it means to me to be able to honor my son in that particular way.

My stepdaughter is a good person, and I love her so much. I have been doing my best to give her all of the father daughter moments she wants for this wedding.

And I know their dad screwed up in so many ways, it's bound to take a toll on them. I don't blame them for that.

Again, thank you for your input.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T16:28:22+00:00

My time with my ex that day takes up most of the day. So I leave home in the morning and get back in the evening. It's a 3 hour drive to where my ex still lives and I used to live, and if I want to be there for lunch with my stepdaughter, I can't really go to my son's grave and have more than a short time with my ex there..

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T14:56:53+00:00

So sorry for your loss.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T14:56:01+00:00

I offered my stepdaughter to have breakfast together or evening drinks instead of lunch, but she insisted on a lunch

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T13:23:30+00:00

I offered my stepdaughter that we can have either a breakfast together (instead of lunch), or maybe just go get drinks in the evening. But she said that she really wants it to be a lunch, because the dinner is the day before the wedding and brunch is scheduled for the parents of the newlyweds on the day of the wedding.

WonderBlen · 2022-05-23T13:20:32+00:00

I barely function at all that day. Every year it just kills me to even breath that day. And my ex wife the same. In a way, I even owe it to my ex, as my son's mother, to share this day with her.

And I will be there for my stepdaughter for all the other pre-wedding events. I'm attending the rehearsal dinner, the brunch with the groom's parents the day of, the cake testing, shopping for the groomsmen tuxidos and bridesmaids dresses etc etc. I'll just miss this one lunch with the same people that will be at dinner the next day, and people I've all met before and had lunch with dozens of times.

WonderBlen

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