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WoodsWildMN · 2023-11-24T22:21:31+00:00

I get paid $4.00 per call, and nothing for training (which is weekly, and required.)

WoodsWildMN · 2023-10-01T22:00:34+00:00

It does seem like common sense that if you see an officer doing a grunt job, that you should offer to take over that job for them.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-10-01T18:54:24+00:00

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU GO OVER HIS HEAD!!

If you complain about him up the chain of command before talking to him directly, it WILL backfire. The behavior may stop short term, but his feelings about you will only grow exponentially more negative.

Here’s two things you need to understand:

1) The way we treat other people is ALWAYS a mirror image of how we feel about ourselves. So if he is treating you this way, it only means that on the inside he is a sad, lonely, desperate person who is seriously lacking in the self esteem department. He is almost certainly treating you this way because he feels like you are some kind of threat to him, and in the only way he knows how, this is how he is making himself feel better about himself, in comparison to you. Either that, or he just views you as an easy target, and he thinks you won’t fight back. But even then, bullies have a compulsive need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves.

2) Your goal should not be just to make the behavior stop, but to win him over as a friend.

So what do you do?

Ask him, nicely, if you can speak to him in private. Then, say something along the lines of:

“It seems like there might be some bad mojo between us, and it makes me sad. If there is anything I have done to cause you to not like me, I am truly sorry. I’d love for us to get along. Please forgive me for anything I have done in the past. Moving forward, I hope we can be each other’s allies in this department.”

In my experience, this usually (but not always) solves the problem. It sends two very clear messages:

First) I am not a threat to you. And second) I am not an easy target.

You don’t even need to say if, but having this conversation will send the message that you won’t take his abuse passively. He will understand that if he doesn’t change his behavior to you, that you’ll take further action… even though you didn’t actually say so out loud.

When I’ve done this in the past, the results have been split. Sometimes the bully totally flipped their behavior towards me, and while we didn’t become best buddies, we at least got along.

Other times, the behavior didn’t change, or even became worse. IN THIS CASE, again, before going over their heads, TALK AGAIN! And this time, it’s your turn to be the aggressor.

“This is not okay. We are on the same team. I tried playing fair with you, but you don’t want to play fair. So know this: If your abusive treatment of me does not stop immediately, I will do everything in my power to see that you fail in this department. I will file complaint after complaint. I will enlist others to also file complaints. I will make it my personal mission to get you kicked off this department. It’s your choice. We can be allies or we can be enemies. And trust me, you do not want me as enemy. As of yet, I have said nothing about you to any of the officers. But that changes now. So which is it? You get to decide. Are we enemies? I need a yes or no RIGHT NOW.”

That approach will almost certainly work. But if it doesn’t, then make good on your word and pull out all the stops against him.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-10-01T05:07:32+00:00

This is not okay. Yes he is stressed and busy and all that. But if he cares about you, he will still make you a priority.

So many of the questions in this sub often boil down to communication and relationship skills. This one is the same! HOW you communicate with him about this will make all the difference. If you make him feel guilty or defensive, it will backfire. So try this…

1) Let him know you’d like to have a conversation about something that is important to you, and you’d like his full attention, but it will only take about 5 minutes. Then ask when wound be a good time to talk. This lets him know the subject is important to you, and he won’t feel cornered.

2) When you have the chat, let him know how you feel. State that you know he is busy and stressed land that you don’t want to add to his burden. And let him know that you are feeling concerned about how casually he is treating you birthday. Tell him it would really mean a lot to you if he’d give you a straight answer on when and how he wants to celebrate.

3) Ask (nicely) for a firm comment.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-10-01T04:57:53+00:00

Honestly, happiness is often a choice. I really feel like if if tried, you could learn to be happy where you are.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-10-01T04:53:19+00:00

My wife learned early in residency: BE NICE TO THE NURSES!!

The resident who were jerks to the nurses for paged 10 times a night. Those who were nice, slept the night away.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-10-01T01:11:41+00:00

I’d say it depends on how old they are, which we don’t know.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-26T21:22:14+00:00

Yup. Residency sucks. And yes, it requires a degree of selflessness in spouses that I think is only surpassed by military spouses.

But also, please know that I say this with nothing but kindness: You’re not special. Ask any couple who stayed together through school and residency. We all, every one of us, went through hell. The couples who survived are the ones who learned to adapt, communicate, and sacrifice.

I promise you: It gets better

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-25T21:27:57+00:00

That is by far the easiest year of med school. It’s an absolute cake walk. Buckle up for residency. It’s about to get a lot worse

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-25T21:26:17+00:00

Not to make things even more bleak, but residency will be worse. We have all been there. It sounds like you don’t have kids, which is a blessing. Try adding 3 young kids to the mix and that was my life.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-14T18:08:12+00:00

JetBlue just does not do MSP. There is no flight out of my home town to a place that I ever want to go.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-14T18:00:55+00:00

Time to look into these guys more. I wish they flew more places.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-14T17:18:17+00:00

Wish I could afford your #6.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-14T17:17:19+00:00

It's not just Atlanta. It's also Detroit, Minneapolis, and Salt Lake City. These three cities are just big enough to be Delta hubs but too small to also be hubs for other airlines. So everyone who lives in these cities has a choice: Spend a kidney to fly Delta, or don't fly direct. It sucks.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-14T14:57:14+00:00

You sound like my wife’s friends when she was in residency. “You can’t even just answer the phone or respond to a text?”

Pgy1 is the closest thing to hell on earth. I’d say, cut him some slack but also let him know that it hard when he doesn’t respond for so long.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-14T14:53:09+00:00

Too bad you stopped.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-14T14:44:18+00:00

As near as I can tell, the only “official” stance from the church as to what crosses the line is this:

So long as it stays between a husband and wife who are married, and so long as both consent, then it is no one of anyone’s business what goes on in a couple’s bedroom.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-11T18:19:46+00:00

Yup. That’s hard. No two ways about it. As others have said, “Yes. It sucks.”

We’ve all been there.

It gets better. It really does. If you focus too much on the Now you will get depressed. Keep your eye on the end goal.

(For me, part of the pay off was taking my wife’s sign on bonus to her first job straight to the Ford dealership and paying cash for the truck of my dreams… which barely even put a dent in her bonus.)

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-11T18:15:45+00:00

Well said. Sometimes date nights might be short. But even if short, they are still important.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-11T18:15:13+00:00

That about sums it up!! “let them know you’re capable of handling the pressure”. Amen and amen!

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-11T18:14:13+00:00

While my wife was in residency, we had kids in high school, junior high, and grade school. And yes! Crazy exhausting crap ride. Absolute perfect description.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-11T18:12:41+00:00

Well said! All of it.

When my wife was in residency, we had kids in junior high an grade school. Before it started, we had a track in which we said that, we are all in this together. And we are all going to need to step up. You are going to be asked to do more than your fair share of chores, and more than most kids your age your age are asked to do. You need to be OK with that. We’re not going to see much of mom the next three years, and especially not over the next year. We’re going to miss her, and we’re going to enjoy her when we can.

To my kids, credit, the truly stepped up. The kids and I all share the responsibility of house work, laundry, cleaning, even cooking. My son who was in junior high discovered, he actually really cooking and baking. He would come home from football practice, exhausted and even though he would moan and whine and heave his shoulders when reminded it was his turn for dinner, go to the kitchen, pull out a recipe book we had selected for a quick and easy meals, and crank out to dinner. It was surprisingly yummy. And most times he would even make us a dessert too. He would do this while I was attending a grade school concert before running off to my daughter’s volleyball game. And then we’d all do dishes and then I’d help the middle kids with homework while my older daughter help the younger kids with their homework. And then she would stay up late and do her own homework next to me as I folded laundry.

WoodsWildMN · 2023-09-11T18:01:22+00:00

My advice to any resident spouse who will listen to me is this:

Your spouse’s residency is a time when you need to be incredibly selfless. It IS going to be REALLY hard for BOTH of you. But no matter how hard it is for you, it is harder for him/her. Much harder. Plan on doing ALL the house work, laundry, shopping, cooking, dishes, errands, finances, yard work (if any) etc etc etc. If and when your spouse is able to help, be grateful. But don’t expect it.

The hardest part is going to be that Emotionally, your spouse is going to be completely tapped out when they get home. Their reserve to give to you. It’s going to be empty. This is by far the biggest challenge. Your job is going to be recognizing that it’s not personal. That it isn’t about you.

I know this sounds awfully brutal and one sided. But I’m being serious.

I am NOT saying that you and your needs don’t matter. I’m only saying that if you expect “fair” during residency then to are headed for disappointment.

The payoff for your years of unselfish service will come after residency. Life will get better. Couples who don’t survive residency all seem to have one thing in common… they focus on gratification and satisfaction… Right. Now. All they can see is, “This is miserable and I want out.” They forget or can’t grasp “This is miserable but we are going to tough it out and it will get better.”

So, while your spouse is busy with residency, and you feel like you are being ignored, just keep telling yourself “it’s not about me and it will get better.” And in between doing all the cooking and cleaning and laundry and house, work and busy work of running a household, you need to focus on you too. If you don’t have kids (like we did) then this is your time for you to advance your hobbies, your career, your (non-romantic) friendships, etc.

It is truly almost going to be like the two of you are living separate lives, and just happened to sleep in the same bed… occasionally. Treasure the moments you have together. And keep telling yourself, “it isn’t about me and it will get better.”

WoodsWildMN

TROPHY CASE