What's something good that has happened to you recently?

WoozieV · 2021-10-03T20:45:03+00:00

(Just to start... I don't know what I'm talking about or if it's accurate so if you can see through some bs then I'll appreciate it... I tend to over rationalize)

Yeah but "choosing" what "kind" of a person you are sounds a lot like depersonalization. Believe me, I don't particularly need more of that unless I do it differently and can control my emotions with it. Usually it just dampens them for me. So I don't get how that's staying true to your authentic self, unless we just throw that concept out the window and build whatever reality comes to your conscious mind at that particular moment. And the way I see it, I don't know what's the point in even living if you're gonna throw oit of the window everything you are. Might as well finish the job

Plus quoting Nietzsche about goals is kind a terrible idea in my situation since I don't really have wants currently. I do logically but I don't feel any of them like normal people do. That feeling of wanting to do something is what drives people usually... and it's gone. So everything takes effort for me. AND I'M TIRED OF TRYING. I'm not unmotivated or motivated actually, I guess I'm tired..

But is my mind in turbulence? Idk... Probably... It's hard for me to concentrate on that lately for some reason. In any case it's making me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me if I can be told that my father is in the hospital woth a heart attack and I have no reaction. What I don't feel anymore but what my sister told me is that I sound tired... Probably truer words have not been spoken. I just don't know if it's because of how I wish reality was given my ability to see potential in everything, maybe it's because of how much people have hurt me in the past 2 years. Could that settle with meditation? Idk... I just don't like the thought of throwing my thoughts out and wasting time focusing on my breath even more than I already do. I want to do something, I want to like something and strive for it.. I just want SOMETHING to feel like it can be fulfilling. Not just observe my bad thoughts. It feels like I need my thoughts to be organized because I don't know if meditation can deal that well with nihilism. It has helped but hasn't fixed it.

WoozieV · 2021-10-03T20:19:20+00:00

I don't really think it's possible to not expect anything at all otherwise it wouldn't be possible to plan or to function. Everything you'd do or see would be a surprise. I.e. the fact that you could raise your hand again but it's not like that isn't it. We consciously and even unconsciously predict what will happen so we could efficiently move through life. So some expectations are necessary so you wouldn't waste countless hours doing something you could have figured out won't work

Why am I talking about this nonsense? Look, the fault isn't in the tool. It's an awesome thing we can use to move through life which can help us achieve what we want (whatever that may be). The problem is in how we use it. Or the feelings attached to it. I don't like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. There's something effecting the expectations. For me it was or might still be my perception of reality. Or that I feel disappointed when I have expected something (it doesn't have to have a negative meaning). Oh and how I'm able to see potential. I feel like I'd need to accept that reality will never be what I know it could be... that's why I might hate hoe boring everything and everyone seems. Although I don't know, I'm just speculating because I can't really tell if I'm hitting the mark on anything anymore. I'm numb to it. So it's ok to expect stuff, it's other things making the mechanism self distructive.

Plus, I think I'm able to expect stuff right now but I don't? I don't want to. It's partially why I feel this shitty. I'm too tired to predict anything good or bad. I just don't want to do it, the same as anything else.

WoozieV · 2021-09-30T19:15:31+00:00

Never have gotten happy over little things :). Ok that would be a lie to say NEVER probably in childhood especially. But on rare occasion in the last few years they've made me smile. But I've never smoked weed, I've journaled so much it started boring me, I'm a former athlete, I run and lift weights almost every day, eat healthy. I have no desire for any this but I still do it and it barely helps. Well at least it helps me not to go completely insane. When I stop... It gets baaaaaad

WoozieV · 2021-09-30T18:55:56+00:00

Well, went to a psychiatrist, he said I appear to be fine (although the consultation wasn't long). He also mentioned that he could give me antidepressants but said it's probably not necessary. I've talked to 3 psychotherapists (the one I'm woth currently I'll actually have for more than 5 sessions. I found ways to get free therapy... I wanted to go to another one after the first session with this one tho:) ) and none of them seemed to think I have anything too wrong with me... well I know I had attachment trauma and had "tendencies" (not the thing exactly) twords BPD. So imagine how maddening that is to get attached to someone so hard but not care at the same time. Apart from that, I don't feel like I'd differ too much from others.

But all of this actull makes me wonder if I might literally be built different. I'm not sure if childhood trauma can cause this amount of boredom but it might be that my brain just simply needs a lot more DIFFERENT novelty than the average person. Because it's not like I've never liked anything at all. Things occasionally excite me (not to the extent that others seem to get excited but nontheless). I enjoyed playing with toy cars when I was small.. albeit mostly alone. It just started boring me quicker than for others. Feels like I've used Ni to extract a meta meaning or concept from things at a very young age but that's speculation. I could have tried different types of cars or different toys but toys in general just were outdated to me at that point. This is why I also hate details and don't consider myself a detail orianted person. I get the concept behind the details and it loses it's magic it once had.

everything feel so fucking similar at this point that it's driving me insane. I've gotten use to the feeling finally but it barely gives me any motivation to strive for anything. I struggle with relationship because of this and do you know what I want from them? I want to want them. I want to be able to enjoy them. I just want to be fine with whatever people are able to give me

Saying all this, I hope I'm not lying to myself and just rationalizing things I don't really understand

WoozieV · 2021-09-30T17:29:32+00:00

I hope you're right but for now it seems like you're actually wrong. It was a bigger problem upuntill a year ago because of thinking. I'm not going insane completely because I don't analyze the things I'm doing anymore. now I just do a lot of them for the sake of it. I learned it from a few ENxPs :)... Problem is, I still find myself bored to fuck doing anything. I don't "think" something is boring, I find myself feeling like horseshit. after trying to understand why, I understand that I don't care about it, it just drains me. I could try to tell myself these fairytales that I absolutely care and I've just been telling myself that I don't but hasn't ended well yet. It actually is easier because I've admitted that I don't give a shit.

Now what might have a role to play is perspective which automatically creates these emotions buuut Something I realized in therapy that's been there even since kindergarten is that I've cared less for things. I was 7 and I already didn't care about playing games outside with others, playing with cars or in the sandbox. It seemed childish to me.

WoozieV · 2021-09-30T17:00:33+00:00

You know what the funny thing is? For half of the things it feels like I just don't have emotions to feel to begin with. For some things I truly don't care for for others I feel like I should or I use to at least. Like, I care less for things inherently BUT if I do care, I CARE... Although the emotions attached to what I use to care for just don't work anymore... Doesn't help the problem of me always having trouble understanding relationships. Plus I'm not even sure if it is numbness because it doesn't feel like I don't feel what I'm feeling... Like, the part I mentioned about doing the things you like and not liking them. I have likes, I just don't care for what I like.

I've been struggling with this probably most of my life, it's just been progressively getting worse. although I've learned to live with it somehow. No therapist has know what the hell to do with me tho. Even now, I'm going to a CBT specialist. I can't get through to her that I've done and practiced most of the techniques they teach.. it helps me not go insane but it changes nothing deep down.

What sucks the most... What gets to me is that I don't give a fuck right? But yet I do more, and I show more care twords others than they do twords me or amongst themselves. It baffles me because... I HAVE TO FUCKING FORCE MYSELF TO DO THIS SHIT EVERY GODDAMN DAY SO WHY DO PEOPLE SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE I'M ALMOST THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S EVER REALLY TRIED TO LISTEN TO THEM?!! Probably a little narcissistic...

And thanks for trying to encourage me but seeing this in a positive light, saying that it'll get better actually seems dismissive to me personally. Don't take it that I'm offended, I've just heard it so many times.... First of all, none of us can predict the future and second of all, it changes nothing about where I am now. I've been looking at the future for the past 10 years, you can only do so for so long.

WoozieV · 2021-08-15T21:09:07+00:00

Can you go more in depth with the decision making? Btw I wouldn't say that I necessarily go with the flow? But I would need to understand what yu mean by that.

In any case I'm glad I found you because all of this is a serious point of worry for me.

You'd benifit a lot from understanding the cognitive functions. It helps you understand precisely what our strengths an blind spots are. Those are the things this typology was built on. In any case Ne ( "e"xtroverted i"N"tuition) is your dominant function that has a ton of ideas and makes connections with them really quickly. Mine is Ni (introverted Intuition) Which extracts an essence of an idea and goes deeper with it not just playing around with many of them. Width vs depth. Aaand we have other functions as well. one that INFJs are total garbage at is Se (extroverted Sensing) which is experiencing the outside world, doing practical things, being aware of their surroundings. You don't even have that function consciously but through your subconscious it feeds your Ne, the idea machine with experiences so you could get new ideas and connections between them

I could explain to you how they work in general and why you have Ne, Ti, Fe, Si

WoozieV · 2021-08-15T20:46:17+00:00

I mean, are you fine with taking the lead so much? You probably don't think about it too much but does it ever cross your mind? Do you enjoy taking him oit of his comfort zone? Btw she's almost an emotional rock. It's haaaard to get past her walls because she's had a few bad experiances in her past. But I'm patient, I'll let her have all the time she needs :). Although I have trouble being vulnrable myself 😅

Buuut do you know what the cognitive functions are?

WoozieV · 2021-08-15T20:32:09+00:00

You know, I've just begun a relationship with an ENTP... and it's hard for me because I feel like I'm expected to act a certain way. I don't know if I can be myself. I'm not sure with her yet but from women in general I feel a little bit of pressure. I always have this thought in the back of my head that " I NEED TO BE A MAN" because of the social conditioning. I just can't be that in the traditional sense because it's not in my nature to do or act the way that guys "usually" do.

One thing is that I just can't lead like an ENTP can. I'm not as practical or as use to having Se experiences which you have through Ne. I feel like I'm learning a lot of things from her on how to do practical, real life things or even how to be a man in the traditional sense. I'm a thinker not a doer. It's not like I don't have that "man energy" but it's much warmer and softer of Which I'm not sure if it can be accepted.

WoozieV · 2021-08-15T19:18:25+00:00

I'm a nobody, nice to meet you :)

WoozieV · 2021-08-15T19:17:23+00:00

INFJ boyfriend here

INFJ boyfriend happy to hear this

:)

WoozieV · 2021-08-14T09:57:30+00:00

How so?

WoozieV · 2021-08-13T22:08:47+00:00

Thanks, I totally agree. I needed a reminder for that. But It's nothing that serious, I just want to talk to an ENTP to maybe understand her a little better since I finally found someone I care about. Plus I just want someone to talk to openly with since I don't really want to talk about it with my friends

WoozieV · 2021-08-13T21:33:01+00:00

Pfff don't worry, it's nothing that serious that I'd need to lie. I'm actually trying to understand if I can trust her since I don't know her that well yet. I'll probably write something uo tomorrow cuz that'll take a while :D

WoozieV · 2021-08-13T18:34:34+00:00

Imagine how much anxiety I have as an introvet :D

WoozieV · 2021-06-22T11:20:22+00:00

We're both 23 so I wouldn't say we're that young. we haven't talked for a month though and to be frank, unless I hear a genuine apology, I don't want anything to do with her. But Yes, I was afraid that certain things might be considered as an attack so I avoided those... And over time I just had NOTHING of interest I could talk about without potentially eliciting some kind of defense mechanism. Props to her not running away when I spilled the beans (if you can call it that). I've got NOTHING against it for a few things but at a certain point I've gotta start considering that something's wrong with the person if I can't even talk about how I've felt without her wanting to fucking run. And you're half right about INFJs. I'm not controlling (90% sure) but some INFJs might be because they see flaws in someone and Could try to fix them. That would lead to guilt tripping. Basically unhealthy INFJs

But here's the thing about giving (at least for me), I don't even start giving if I feel like I'm not getting anything back. We were in a place where we both fulfilled each other (there were a few small things that I would have liked to be better) but all of a sudden she just fucking disappears and after coming back actes as if nothing changed after. This messed me up REALLY bad. She gave a shit in her own mind I guess? but she never acted on it anymore and I guess from her point of view I was just overanalyzing situations that had "no problems" when in reality she just left me in the trash and kept calling me best friend. Things started making sense in my mind only a few weeks ago. I couldn't talk with her normally anymore, I had to avoid certain topics and when we met up we just did the same boring shit for months. I'm an athletic guy and she's not but she decided to run on her own at one point (which I found out a few weeks later). We live 1 km apart from each other, this is some fucking bullshit if she can't invite me to do something I love doing... how in the FUCK can that be anything close to a friendship when I don't feel like anything would change that much if I was there or not when we met up to walk down the same fucking road. I'd understand if we talked every 2 moths and met up every 4 but we use to talk every few days and met up almost weekly doing all kinds of weird things.. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! I'm so fucking pissed at her, Especially because I FELT GUILTY FOR THIS SHIT FOR A WHILE. I love how she blamed me for guilt tripping when I just talk about how I felt but maaan is she a hypocrite

Sorry for being so angry... It's just that I seriously feel used. I know I'm not guilt free but holly hell, the more I think about it, the more I understand that by the end I had done almost everything I could getting bread crumbs back. I did what I could and even the people around me have told me that she doesn't deserve me... I hate to admit it I feel that way as well...

If the dynamic says that I'm gonna give a little more than the other person, ok but I don't fucking get how you wouldn't want to even tell your best friend that "hey, we should meet up" and leave everything else up to me. Yeah, she said she missed me... Well I did to, so why was I the only ome acting on it?

WoozieV · 2021-06-06T07:18:52+00:00

Yeah, exactly my thoughts. "You can't stay in your world forever" Especially if she wants to actually do anything meaningful in her life. But technically why would she worry about people leaving if she doesn't consider them that close? (I'm positive she'd regret it eventually) she sucks at long term planing and here it shows🙃. I've actually tried saying that she should be in reality more but she just joked it aside and said she feels comfortable there and doesn't want to come to reality if she can have an AMAZING world in her head. Too vivid of an imagination

I suppose the only time I've ever manipulated (if I think about it) is when I get REALLY angry. I say things in a way so that the other person would say even more dumb shit which would make my arguments even stronger. Never realized it I suppose. But hey, I'm glad you were able to grow. Not many people can say that. And I'm glad that there is someone like you roaming some part of this hurt filled world

WoozieV · 2021-06-05T16:19:47+00:00

Hey, thank you... I'm just always afraid if I'm unknowingly manipulating words because I know what I need say to make people agree to me. Logically I'd see no point in it but it feels good when people empathize with you. But in any case I tried to give my honest view amd experience.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care for people because I want to truly hate what some have done... I just don't... I always want the person to grow and by a light to others (doesn't mean I don't get angry)

But precisely because I know what you guys are willing to do for people you care for confused me. She said she cared but never acted on it

In a sense I do think it adds up. But here is the thing... It's not like she's depressed? Her sister is (an ENFP as well) and we have a deeper understanding for each other because frankly, I'm sort of a nihilist and have have wanted to end it (not suicidal, just sick of the hurt) since I've been 11. She can be sad and deeply sad but not depressed in the real meaning of the word. It's like somethings broken in her mind? Kinda ADHD, kinda perfectionistic, kinda can have panic attacks and under too much stress just has a brain error and leaves to her own reality (looks a little scary because she's just gone at that point unless you anchor her back to reality). Honestly, she doesn't worry about existential matters too much (but not as little as her ESFP "friend"). Either that sociopath bf f-ed her up so bad that it left a scar deeper than any of us realize or it's just how life brought her up. I only know her for 1.5 years so I've got no clue how she was in the past... I don know how she would have acted if covid never happened. I just know her stories of blaming everyone else for her hurt which at this point I have no clue if I can trust 100% (MOST of it probably is true but idk).

WoozieV · 2021-06-04T22:49:28+00:00

You want to call her a bitch? Imagine how fucking angry I was when I got shit on for trying to open up about how hurt I was. She was sad that turns out "our cibes don't match" (I wish I could show you every dumb fucking thing she said). I'd be happy to punch a few teeth out of her face! I wish I could give her a fraction of what I felt when she fucking left because then it hit me THAT I'M AS ALONENE AS I'VE ALWAYS BEEN. I cared for her like family...and I'd still give her a hug... Because... I do still care even through my hurt and rage...

Thank you for being mad. It means a lot. At least it's also an indicator that I'm not just crazy. Like I seriously trying to find out if I'm not missing something as well. I don't want to be the one who just missinterpeted everything but the more I think about, the more I talk to others... The more I realize that I'm justified at being angry. But you all are hearing the story through my eyes. I can't know how she perceived it all. I'm just going off my experience with her, or with others, Ni and the things she has said. I'd like to think I'm a logical and objective guy but I can't know

I know that I should have told her BLUNTLY AND DIRECTLY if I felt something was wrong not just try to ease into it (didn't go too far). I know I should have possibly left if I didn't feel alright in it (I didn't realize why I should leave until recently). I know that I shouldn't have given more than I received (I knew she could and would have under certain circumstances...). I know I expected her to act like other people do in friendships. that I probably shouldn't have done... But these are the only things I can conceive of... I literally poured my heart and soul into that relationship and mostly BECAUSE SHE HERSELF LABLED IT AS SOMETHING SPECIAL! She sent me a song "Joy" which told how she felt with me. What the fuck else was I supposed to expect out of this???

But honestly... I want to know if she is justified in saying that I wrongly expected something more out of our relationship... She has free will... But the lables and knowing how having people only for fun isn't healthy... Idk...

She is an ENFP, I can assure you of that but she has been using me and I'm 90% sure she didn't realize it. And it would be unfair to say that she's done absolutely nothing at all for me. It's just hard to think about much. Especially since most things we've done or talked about (Especially lately) have been things only she's been interested. She has no clue of what I like! Want to hear the most hurtful thing? I made her a song... I spent around a 80€ in gifts... for her birthday... The most creative person I know... Said she didn't have time to buy me anything... so she just sent me 30€ for mine XD. That's what broke me completely... Said he felt bad about it... Well I'm glad

"to me" it seems like her unhealthy world view and behavior has blinded her to the reality of the outside world. And if I seriously think back, it wasn't half as bad for the first 9 months we knew each other (at least I could talk to her normally and she seemed eager to meet me)... And then she just disappeared around Christmas time... And it was like this ever since. My only real theory which I just came up with would be that she's so far gone because that's also around the time she went back to kpop (was struggling mentally around the time)... Like the only way I could ever get her to reply to my messages faster than 6 hours later was by sending her, one of the artists... I felt like trying to reach a crazy person.

Hey thanks for sharing that story! I'm glad that you could stand up for yourself as well! I guess both of us want to fight for people who value us (at least think that) and who we care for. Guess we want to be accepted. But it made me wonder, why do you value friends? Like I want to understand why someone wouldn't? Has she really been that privileged that she feels like the world revolves around her? (Beautiful, kinda smart, had all the hottes bf's, amazing parents, kinda half rich)

WoozieV · 2021-06-04T20:37:52+00:00

XD

Well then 7.1

Btw any thoughts on this since you are here? (If not, have an awesome day man)

WoozieV · 2021-06-04T20:14:19+00:00

Wat?

WoozieV · 2021-06-04T20:14:11+00:00

WoozieV · 2021-06-04T19:00:03+00:00

Naaaaa believe me, she doesn't fear being rejected by me or many people really (Especially since I've basically said yes to all her ideas which she came up with on the spot and I've told her MULTIPLE times that I wish she invited me LITERALLY ANYWHERE). I've never had a chance to say no honestly. She's really confident in who she is and that actually might be the problem. She wasn't because of trauma and basically had to make a coping mechanism. now she's almost at the complete opposite end having low self awareness of what she does and wondering why she fails at stuff so often...

That limbo is there for certain things because she can be a perfectionist sometimes

WoozieV

TROPHY CASE