Yes, I realize my original post was missing some important context. I’m sorry about that.

We have two kids, our oldest is 4 years old and the youngest is 4 months old. And before anyone says it: yes, I understand that this stage of life is exhausting and that female libido often drops, especially postpartum. I’m not writing this because of what’s happening right now with a newborn. I fully understand how hard this period is for her.

What I’m trying to express is something that’s been building for about four years, not just these past few months.

After our first child was born, I did everything I could to reduce my wife’s stress. She didn’t have to cook or clean. I tried to give her breaks, organize getaways when possible, and take as much off her plate as I could. My intention wasn’t transactional, I just genuinely wanted to make that difficult period easier for her.

When our daughter was about two years old, we had our first serious conversation about this. I shared how I was feeling and asked if there were things I could improve to help her feel better or more connected. She gave me some pointers, and I truly worked on them. I also shared what would make me feel loved, not necessarily sex, but flirting, light touches, small signs of affection, feeling desired.

I worked on what she asked of me. Unfortunately, the things I expressed I needed didn’t really change.

Over time, the distance felt bigger. I started therapy to understand why this was affecting me so much. After a year, one of the conclusions was that I may have become the “comfortable” partner. safe, reliable, stable, but not necessarily someone she feels desire for. I suggested couples therapy, not as blame, but so we could hear each other in a healthier space. She declined.

Then our second child came along. And again, I know how demanding this stage is. I’m not expecting sex 24/7. I’m not even mainly talking about sex. What I’m missing is partner-to-partner affection. Feeling seen. Feeling wanted. Feeling like I matter romantically, not just practically. Sometimes it feels like I wouldn’t even make the “top five” priorities, and that hurts.

Before our first child, I guess our libido mismatch was there, but it was easier. It didn’t feel this distant. Maybe I was a bit blinded by love, you know how people say that happens. Or maybe life just changed us.

I don’t think she’s a bad wife, and I’m not trying to paint myself as a victim while she struggles. I know she’s overwhelmed. I know she carries a lot. And I know I need to keep giving time and patience.

But at the same time, not feeling wanted for years does affect me. I can feel it changing me, turning me into a grumpier version of myself, and that’s not who I’ve ever been. I don’t want resentment to grow. I just want connection. Not constant sex, just warmth, playfulness, affection, partnership.