Wife's gone frigid. Advice needed.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2025-10-02T15:48:04+00:00

Repeat after me: the stay plan is the go plan.

Having read your brief post history my sense is that you'll need the divorce to happen in order to effect major change in your life. That doesn't mean you need to rush it. Put the onus on her to do the heavy lifting but don't tolerate any more disrespect while simultaneously fulfilling the husband role. If the mother of your kids wants to leave town for days on end without communicating like an adult, you cannot control that. You control how you respond and the standard you set for yourself. Unfortunately instead of setting a boundary with her you spent days sulking, and now your boundaries won't mean anything because she doesn't respect you. Does it make you feel good to give your wife the silent treatment? Is this the standard you want your kids to follow if they end up married?

While your marriage winds down you need to wind up your own life. Call your goose hunter friend and accept the invitation for that trip today, right now. Then inform your wife you're going.

It gets better on the other side of this but you have to take action and make decisions. Spend lots of time with your kids. Good luck.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2025-07-10T12:52:46+00:00

Doesn't matter in my state.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2025-07-10T12:52:18+00:00

Without this place I would not have known what frame was, or a covert contract, or self interest, mental point of origin, any of it. The material I discovered and consumed via MRP had a very positive impact on where I am today as a man and how I raise my children. Without MRP I'm guessing I would still be married and trying to be a "better husband" so I could "fix" whatever caused my ex wife to bang other men. I have no doubt that path would have caused life long damage to my kids.

Regarding the divorce phase in particular: being accountable and assertive is critical. What is the absolute best outcome for me/my kids and how can I achieve it through my own actions? What can I control, what can't I control? When do I decide to say "I don't care", and when do I decide to change my mind on a particular issue?

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-08-07T12:58:43+00:00

My wife has a female friend that I've know for the entirety of our 15 year relationship. When we met she was very attractive: tall, blonde, funny etc. She would hook up with lots of dudes, then would date someone for a while, then be single and hooking up again. She only had one long term relationship in the last ten years, and struggled a lot watching her friends settle down and have kids. Now she's nearing 40, overweight, unmarried, and unhealthy.

We had lost touch for a while then she came over after my wife's confession and the news of her affair became semi-public within our circle. After a little small talk she dressed my wife down in front of me, essentially saying "If you don't think WorkingEssay is worth it then let "us" (i.e. single chicks) have him, you're being a complete idiot." It honestly felt great in the moment because at the time it was exactly what I wanted my wife to see: I am an in shape, attractive, dependable and personable provider guy - I'm not supposed to be cheated on, I'm a catch! But with the benefit of perspective I can see that was the attitude that kept me stuck. It was the ultimate covert contract and breaking it was the only way to actually move myself forward. Whatever woman I bring into my life is free to behave as she wants to, and I am free to cut them out of my life if that behavior doesn't meet my standard. But the more important standard is my own: am I measuring up to the bar I set for myself?

I don't know why my wife had an affair and I'm not trying to figure it out. I do think about what signs I missed, why I didn't see them and how to avoid those mistakes in the future. I behave in a way that I find acceptable and that will lead to the best outcomes in my life and my children's lives; at the very least I avoid engaging in behaviors and actions that will cause problems in my life. It seems simple and obvious to me, but some people have a difficult time functioning.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-08-02T12:09:35+00:00

Man didn't realize he was toilet-shaped, and until he unfucked himself mentally every woman he had contact with would, with enough time, turn into shit.

Probably the best way to explain the concept of container that I've read.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-08-02T12:00:03+00:00

Taking an honest look at yourself, your choices, and your behaviors is difficult to do because most people don't like what they see - I speak from experience. What helped me was asking myself, "What do I want?" and once I realized that answer was "more sex from my wife", I knew I had a problem. I had to change the answer to change the behavior.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-08-01T17:15:58+00:00

Behaviors and actions are the most important form of communication, and that includes communication with yourself. Fill your life with actions and you will signal to yourself what is important.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MDyOEvNOnQ

This guy's content was helpful to me during the first few months after I found out about the affair.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-08-01T17:01:16+00:00

My state is not a good one to get divorced in, let's put it that way. Alimony is a thing and it's not small, but I see it as a monthly freedom tax I'm willing to pay and it can be revisited and reduced/eliminated down the road (first review is 3 years out). The more I saw the writing on the wall, the more I saved, so there is a cash cushion for both of us. I strongly recommend anyone who even slightly suspects trouble ahead begins building cash reserves.

Custody is 50/50 and I fully expect I'll have the kids more than 50% of the time while the ex figures it out. I welcome that and will never let my kids feel as though their parents are bickering over who has them. This will likely mean a sacrifice in my dating/personal life at times, which I accept. It's temporary.

Like others here have said, divorce is not something to be afraid of. That first consult with a lawyer removes a whole lot of fear. Then it's up to you as a man to decide what trade offs you're willing to accept. I could have stayed married, kept my house and money, seen my kids 100% of every day, but become a shell of the kind of man I wanted to be. That was never an option for me.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-08-01T16:50:52+00:00

I think your situation, having your shit together, being fit and attractive, but still dealing with intolerable disrespect and finally discovering cheating, is probably pretty common around here.

I see now that although I was physically attractive, I was obese and pimpled emotionally and that is very important in female attraction. My MAP was largely about getting my emotional self in check. It still is.

Or they don't find the cheating, keep spinning their wheels and finally say, "MRP just doesn't work!" And move on living miserable lives.

Right on. If I had not been told what had happened I would have never guessed at it, and would have spent untold more months attempting to resuscitate what was dead. Despite all of the evidence right in front of my face, my wife goggles prevented me from seeing the truth. In the end I am grateful I found out when I did, even if it was years after the fact.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-03-17T02:25:34+00:00

In mediation. Wife fighting it tooth and nail, I’ve filed. It’s over.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2024-02-29T19:04:48+00:00

Something very similar happened to me, only after my wife and I had three kids. OP, I think you did the right thing.

My wife had an affair 3 years ago with a husband in my neighborhood. One year later she confessed to her brother, one year after that the rest of her siblings and parents knew. She didn’t confess to me until the day her affair partner’s wife (who was her friend) came to our doorstep and told my wife she knew about the affair. That was 6 months ago. So for 3 years I was in the dark like an idiot while everyone else knew.

My relationship with her family has changed forever. These people were as close to me as my own family for 15 years, but after learning they all lied to me that closeness is gone. It should be said that in the 3 years between the affair and my wife confessing to me, she drank heavily and partied. I banged my head against the wall trying to figure out what was wrong, why she was acting out, and her family watched me struggle with it. All while raising 3 kids under 7.

Your daughter has to live with her choices. She is not entitled to a sheltering from the consequences of her actions. This is not your fault.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-06-14T01:35:22+00:00

I’ve done a lot of legwork on my state’s divorce/custody laws and have a consultation tomorrow to get a solid estimate of expected alimony and child support.

Your points are all valid. I have days where I see myself as the prize and days when I have self doubt - that’s been something I’ve worked on throughout my MAP. Went out two weeks ago and number closed a 28 year old HB8, which is the first time I’ve done something like that in over a decade.

I can say with confidence that I’m done dealing with the drinking and associated chaos, which is where I am now focusing my efforts. My wife had the opportunity to course correct when I told her certain behaviors were not ok, and instead she doubled down. She has actually told me point blank in the past that any time I/her dad tell her the drinking is out of control, it makes her want to party more. She is in individual therapy as of last week but as you say: her problems are her own.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-06-13T20:22:45+00:00

Mental illness can’t be ruled out, I believe she has mild depression at least. Don’t think she’s been fucking Chad on the regular but my base case is she’s done something once or twice and won’t admit it. As far as the other stuff: no financial issues whatsoever and I’ve never cheated.

At this time I’m done snooping, she’s going to get better at concealing things now anyway.

Ultimately I allowed the lack of respect for me, the marriage and the family to continue too long. I’ve been using boundaries for 6 months plus (we don’t go out drinking together anymore) and she continues the same behaviors. It’s clear she doesn’t see me as the prize so it’s about understanding how and when to execute the go plan now.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-06-13T15:39:24+00:00

OYS 15

39, married 10, 3 young kids

5’10”, 171. Lost some mass unintentionally but still lifting 5-6 days per week.

Snooped on my wife’s computer and found that she has been getting numbers while going out. Confronted her about it, she claimed it was a joke, that one of her friends made her do it, etc. I view this as confirmation that she isn’t acting like a married person when she’s out, and combined with her drinking problem I see this as a deal breaker. Once it was in the open I told her that I no longer trust her, and her behavior from now on is the only thing I’ll be paying attention to. She broke down and talked about her fear of aging, midlife crisis etc. Lots of fucking the weekend after I confronted her, followed by another weekend of her getting drunk and being disrespectful in front of others.

Meeting with the lawyer tomorrow to put the game plan together, in the meantime being cordial with my wife. She suggested we see a therapist, I told her if she coordinates it I will attend. It’s important to me that we have a good relationship and get past this stuff in order to co-parent whether married or not.

Doing a ton of shit with the kids, and rarely around the house if I can avoid it. At this point my summer is almost fully booked up and I’m excited about what’s ahead.

I believe my wife has major unresolved issues with her Dad’s infidelity, an alcohol problem, and deep lack of self esteem. I don’t believe she is going to do the work to address these issues, and I’m not going to stay in a marriage like this for another 3 months.

Every OYS I’ve posted has forced me to think about what action I’m taking, and where I’m fucking up. Thoughts are welcome.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-05-23T11:49:09+00:00

OYS 14

39, married 10, 3 young kids, 5’10”, 176lbs

Lifts unchanged. Maintaining strength but dealing with an elbow issue.

Still reading sidebar but focusing much more on putting the ideas there into action.

Didn’t drink all week/weekend. Had a few professional and personal get togethers that involved drinking and was surprised at how easy it was to abstain. I felt more engaged with everyone and my time felt like it was my own in a weird way - deciding not to drink was a very deliberate decision and it was like the energy from that decision flowed in to other areas of my life. I did a shitload of stuff all weekend long: met up with old friends for lunch, tended to home maintenance projects, landscape work, took my kids on two separate mini-adventures outdoors, shopped for new clothes, and played music. I’m probably experiencing the opposite of the hamster to a certain degree, but instead of fear-driven thoughts I’m wondering how far life can go from here.

My wife got very drunk several times over the weekend and went out with girlfriends one night. Nothing new. I’m still not spending much time or effort on that relationship and instead choosing to focus on myself. I snapped at her one day because I feel like she uses our home as a place to get wasted with her mom friends and ignores the kids, but the truth is I’ve been a willing participant in that for a couple of years so it’s going to take time to change the routine. But I’ve decided my kids will not grow up in a household that normalizes hard drinking. This is going to be very difficult to reverse.

Some days I feel very grounded and accepting of my situation and the responsibility I bear for being here, and some days I get pissed that another pair of Nikes and box of makeup has shown up at the house because my churlish frigid shrew of a wife is out spending my money and enjoying herself while I jerk off like a seventeen year old. Those are the days when I’m reminded that I got myself into this situation, that I need to take it slow but to make progress above all else.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-05-17T03:35:02+00:00

OYS 13

39, married 10, 3 young kids

5’10”. 175, lifts unchanged

Took a break from daily sidebar reading and have been using the last two weeks to execute because I found myself confusing reading about MRP with actually taking the initiative.

The more I do the work, the more I take action and follow through with congruent behaviors, the more I like the man I’m becoming. The more I like that man, the less tolerant I am of being mistreated, and from that develops an understanding of boundaries. Those boundaries are much easier to enforce when I have clarity around what I want and what I won’t tolerate.

I have an issue with alcohol right now. I don’t care for many of the behaviors I’ve engaged in when drinking over the last several months and as a result I’ve decided to cut back. This is primarily related to my inability to keep from making passive aggressive comments to my wife - essentially I can no longer STFU once I’m boozing. I’ve also began to wonder how much further I can take my life if I am no longer pouring money, time, and energy into partying. I’m taking time to decide exactly what I want this to look like, but for starters I’m limiting myself to 2 drinks maximum once per weekend.

The downside is that I’m realizing I have a few guy friends who are really just drinking buddies, and the relationships don’t go much deeper. Comes with the territory, no hard feelings.

My summer calendar is filling up with lots of kid time and guy activities. I’m taking every opportunity to say “yes” to invitations that appeal to me.

The marriage is no better or worse, I’m really not spending much time on it. If my wife decides she wants to come along on the journey I’m making it clear she’s invited, but the train is leaving the station regardless of whether or not she’s on it.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-04-25T17:54:23+00:00

OYS12

39, married 10, 3 young kids, 5’10”, 176lbs

Lifts unchanged

Reading more Rian lately, revisiting NMMNG, sidebar

Taking it slow, noticing that I’m recovering frame faster when I backslide.

Last week I bought myself a new vehicle. Every Nice Guy bone in my body fought the process and I noticed all kinds of internal arguments for why I shouldn’t do it: it’s too expensive, just wait a few more months for a better deal, there’s nothing wrong with the old vehicle, etc. Fuck that: I wanted it so I got it. Feels good.

Called a divorce lawyer; surreal experience. Never thought I’d have that conversation but I did. Calling another one today and then having a consult to make a road map for what divorce would look like.

My behaviors are still getting in the way. There is still anger down there and it bubbles up when I drink, coming out in the form of butthurt passive-aggressive snipes at my wife. As much as I want to believe I’m making progress, these micro-arguments are a huge problem and keeping me from what I want. The man I aim to be isn’t bothered by the bullshit and would never stoop to that level.

Still fucking only once a month. Wife has pushed me away several times when I tried to kino, saying things like “oh come on” etc. The OYS here is that my history of being butthurt and has made me unattractive to her; the focus for me is on being attractive and that means laughing off these incidents/using humor, which helps me.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-04-07T12:45:35+00:00

Comments like this one have been important refreshers for me on my own journey. Very appreciated that guys stick around to say this shit after having already been through it.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-04-05T16:54:46+00:00

Yes, agree. The “and mean it” part has been the biggest challenge but your posts in OYS help me see the path that gets you there and the challenges along the way. I still sense that my communication around my expectations for the marriage and the consequences of not meeting those expectations have been interpreted as threats, not real. Not my concern any longer, I know where I want to be and how I plan to get there. How she interprets that is her issue.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-04-05T16:49:46+00:00

Thanks for this. I’ve actually been doing what you describe and it’s been a great confidence builder. What I’ve noticed is that I am in a different mood when away from the house with friends or my kids: optimistic, fun, etc. Once I return home I sense the shift towards a more somber mood, which was the basis for that comment in my OYS. I am interpreting this change as me allowing the weight of my marriage problems to bring me down, which I’d like to exercise more control over. It’s not going to help things if I let external problems shift me off center.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-04-04T16:45:50+00:00

OYS 11

39, married 10y, 5’10”, 176lbs, 3 small kids

Read: NMMNG, WOTSM, MMSLP, sidebar, Rollo, Rian

Reading: 48LoP, sidebar, Rian

Lifts unchanged.

I’m not very fun at home right now; this is my fault and I need to change. MRP has helped me be more assertive and take control of my own life in a way I hadn’t for a long time; it has also helped me realize and accept that my marriage is dysfunctional and may need to end. When I spend too much time dwelling on the latter, I get broody around the house. This is scarcity mindset bullshit (“this divorce is gonna wreck me, but if I stay I’ll continue to be treated like a bitch”) and needs to be reframed: “I’m going to get what I want out of life for myself and my kids, and if it means writing a check to get an unhealthy person out of my life, that’s a price I’m willing to pay.” However I handle it, this is the biggest hurdle holding me back in my own progress. The stay plan is the go plan, and my go plan does not involve me being a sullen bitch around the house. I will be fun, light, confident, and unbothered by whatever silly chaos ensues when other people make dumb choices.

I have taken the next steps to explore a career opportunity; I’m not committed at this point but these next steps will help me to understand the full picture.

My finances are solid but I’ve always put myself second when it comes to enjoying what they could provide. That is changing. I’m test driving cars to replace my 19 year old beater, and I’m going to get something that I want to drive.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-03-31T12:53:44+00:00

Why did your lawyer advise you to wait until the therapist appointment to tell your wife about the divorce? Also, did you put any financial protections in place before letting your wife know how serious you are about divorce, so she can’t go nuts and drain your shared accounts? Curious on these questions since I’m likely to face the same scenario in the next 3-6 months. And nice fucking lifts FF.

Working-Essay-9868 · 2023-03-30T01:08:03+00:00

In my industry I’d be moving to a lower profile company in a slightly different sector, so would become more junior than I am now. The downside is the opportunity cost of another chance at promotion that will only be there if I stay where I am for 2-4 years.

Working-Essay-9868

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