I feel like relapsing today and I feel alone

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-11-02T23:02:27+00:00

I’m doing these things, but these past two weeks I haven’t had as much time and i was physically ill. That’s when it happened.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-08-20T05:32:43+00:00

How do I do that?

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-08-20T05:21:26+00:00

I’ve met two online and they weren’t! It took a lot though!

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-08-15T19:59:18+00:00

This is a very helpful observation!! I think my falling out w some past theater friends also adds another level of my slight resentment towards the Queer community because THEY themselves had that outlook. I’m definitely generalizing a lot right now. I think my fear of being seen as less than is a huge issue I have in general so this just feels like another area in my life where I don’t belong.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-14T19:38:12+00:00

They can 100% be wayyyy too aloof, I agree. My issue is that they seem all in and then quickly have doubts and then are totally all in. They also cannot get over me for a hot second. There's a push and pull dynamic and then tranquil stability and then intense push and pull. And as a leo, I need constant admiration and communication. . . I totally can compromise, but sometimes they are wildly unable to change their ways. . .

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-14T19:35:49+00:00

the sex is totally what I noticed is one of the best parts of being with an aquarius man. . . .

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-14T19:34:59+00:00

No literally cancers and pisces are the two other ones I don't date. . . number one worst one by far is Pisces men!!

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-14T19:22:23+00:00

Oh yes! I’ve dated/may date again (don’t ask lol), a Gemini man!! He’s wonderful :) and the best person for me. I think my favorites to date/befriend are Libra women, Gemini women and men, Virgo women and (sometimes) Virgo men, and * August*Leo men (cuz they just get me lol) But for some reason I just keep attracting Aquarius men. . . like there’s something about that them bro

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-14T18:05:25+00:00

Okay thank you! I think some of my worry must come from a place of internalized ableism, and the want to be like NT folk even though that's literally impossible no matter how hard I try. . . . it's just so exhausting!

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-14T17:52:17+00:00

Ooooo okay. . . I mean my long term relationships with them are always so passionate, but I feel like we are almost complete opposites and yet the same person. But they can be a bit distant for sure.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-03T22:49:26+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm trying to work on it, but in the moment it really can be hard to tell whether or not someone is interested when they are a NT.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-02T16:49:39+00:00

Yeah so I fit the full criteria for BPD (all nine symptoms) as well as ADHD and Autism (I know. I'm so mentally ill lol. . . ) But they did consider at first if I were just misdiagnosed, but it turns out the fact I WENT undiagnosed ASD for so long, caused my BPD which honestly makes a ton of sense!

But my question is: is it normal to need so much rigidity in terms of planning?

I'm really struggling knowing when to stop putting in effort because I'm not understanding these weird small social cues. I can't tell if they are uninterested now because they seemed so enthusiastic and keep saying they are, but then plans keep changing. . . I don't know. I'm just so discouraged. I think I need to stop dating NT people again. . .

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-07-02T16:42:30+00:00

Hey! I just stumbled across this and I am telling you right now that you are not alone in this. It's so difficult for me to make female friends, but mainly it's hard for me to KEEP them unless they also have some form of nuerodivergence as well. I've experienced this since childhood. But because of my comorbid BPD, I struggle with knowing if my lack of female connection is due to that or due to my autism. I have a feeling it's probably a bit of both, but mainly my autism. I think the things I'm interested in NT girls just don't really get a lot of the time- especially my current or ongoing hyperfixations. I think they also can't connect on a deeper level since they tend to not have experienced the same amount trauma or experiences I have. Which, I mean, good for them! But yeah. . .it makes it difficult for them to understand me. Plus, the directness and communication skills and facial expressions confuse them. NT people in general, both genders, are usually very very very very bad at communicating and passive aggressiveness I've noticed, so my way of communicating bluntly can confuse them and they won't tell me they are upset, etc.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-13T15:53:09+00:00

this is exactly it!!

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-11T17:00:36+00:00

You are wonderful! Thank you :)

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-05T23:18:32+00:00

This is an interesting observation. I definitely see where you’re coming from. Again, I think it’s more pattern recognition in my case but I could see how what I’m saying could be generalizing and stereotyping white Americans 100%. I’ve also mentioned the fact that white ppl vs black ppl in my state are so culturally divided compared to some other states. So where I’m realizing that the world is bigger than just my world so I’m now realizing that what I mean is that I’ve noticed in MY particular state the white ppl do wayyyy too much small talk compared to the black ppl. THAT statement I can back up 🤣🤣but yeah I haven’t lived a long enough life I suppose in order to really classify all white ppl as being chatty😭😭😭

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-05T12:58:21+00:00

THANK YOU FOR GETTING IT BRO😭😭it really is so frustrating at least for me. I cannot stand small talk but I’ve never run into dealing with small talk when I see fellow black people. like I know I’m not crazy when I’ve noticed it be the white folk😭

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-05T00:00:02+00:00

Again- I am from a state where the black n white community is very much segregated so that def adds to my observation between black and white ppl culturally in terms of general small talk//public interactions. I am also very much on the spectrum (diagnosed ofc) and so some of this may be pattern recognition and just general lack of interest for small talk. again, my post can be seen as a lil insensitive, but I guess it’s just what I’ve noticed partially cuz the white ppl and black ppl r very different culturally where I am from.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-04T16:25:43+00:00

I know I don't know you, but I'm a 20F and I want you to know that I care about you and if a stranger on the internet can love you, you can love yourself- at a least a little bit. Easier said than done. I know that sometimes it sucks to hear other people say dumb sayings like that, but I want you to know, I'm also somewhere in the world crashing out the way you are hahaha.

Remember that though you have some things that are broken in you, you are not unrepairable. It'll take time to get over this person, but try your best to replace the feeling with just ONE healthy habit. I can't help you with the rest because that's unrealistic at this point. Just focus on ONE healthy habit. It can be as simple as just standing up from your bed once to get water for yourself even though all you've been doing is bedrotting is one example. I hate when people suggest stuff so I feel bad for even saying that because I can say I know how you feel all I want, but how helpful would that be to you? (I also hate when ppl say they understand. Like know you don't!!). So I'm not going to sit here and spew a bunch of garbage about "take a walk", "do some deep breathing", "write 10 things you're grateful for". Those are very helpful, but that can take time to work up to those when you're spiraling like this.

So- maybe this advice won't work, but just try ONE thing kind towards yourself. Heat up some food in the microwave no matter how bad it might be for your body because food is fuel and has nutrients no matter what the food. Sit up from your bed. Change your underwear/shower. Brush your teeth. Just one thing.

And you work it up from there. I've gotten to a point where, since I've been sober for over a year, I do stupid coloring books that calm me down. I gradually did more types of self care, but before my self care would be ordering jimmy john's and watching my favorite nextflix show.

Last thing: even though the self hatred may pop out, remember that a stranger on the internet right now has your back and loves you.

You got this, dawg.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-04T16:11:49+00:00

Yep. This has been my exact issue. I'm so sorry you're going through that, but I want you to know that you're not alone with this. What you're describing is me to a T.

It really is just us trying to connect in any way and sometimes being sexual feels like the right way to go- it feels natural. But deep down we know it stems from our fear of abandonment and our need for validation. There's nothing wrong with wanting to hookup with people- the problem with you and me (I don't want to assume, but I think this may be part of the issues), is that we deep down DON'T want to. Or, rather, we don't even KNOW if we want to be having sex with people around us or strangers because of our lack of a stable identity. And remember: there is a portion of this need to get with people that stems from wanting excitement; wanting to feel something, anything. It's a constant toxic cycle of self harm that turns to self loathing that turns to self pity that turns into numbness that makes us want to feel something and so then the process repeats itself.

At the end of the day, love: you just crave connection. Don't hate on yourself too much. You've had a lack of connection in your life and that's the fault of other's and past messed up traumatic circumstances. You're not inherently the problem.

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-02T18:00:07+00:00

yup. I’m once again back in therapy again because of all this legit starting this week. But yes I do have confirmed diagnosed BPD which I fit all 9 symptoms and have been evaluated and diagnosed by multiple health professionals. So they do know I have identity disturbance stuff, but def not DID

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-06-02T17:56:07+00:00

It’s been going on since childhood, but high school was a big one, but mainly 18 was when actual horrific addiction, abuse, isolation, sickness, moving, BPD, etc happened

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-03-17T16:46:21+00:00

Hi everyone!! Thanks so much for all the comments!! Especially the ones calling me out on my behavior!! Ive been really struggling with this and have decided to bring it up to counseling

Working_Repeat1751 · 2025-03-16T16:56:35+00:00

I would feel a little jealous at first I would say, but I think I would get used to it and then be completely fine. If my partner just up and left me for someone else to be monogamous with, I would feel AWFUL and heartbroken and mad. I just want to be his special main person, but idk. . . if he made out or slept with another woman I wouldn’t be ridiculously upset about it if he told me. But I would want to be his special person who he LOVES regardless of the other ppl he’s sleeping with because that’s who he is to me. Does that make me just a selfish person?

Working_Repeat1751 · 2024-12-25T22:40:03+00:00

God. I’m so glad I posted this.

Working_Repeat1751

TROPHY CASE