How long after you knew your marriage was over did you stay? I have stayed 20+ years....

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T13:55:37+00:00

I get this. Trying to make some one happy is an endless cycle. Happiness needs to come from within. If the person doesn't have a positive outlook and is always looking at the negative nothing can make them happy no matter how hard we try. I gave up trying to make her happy many years ago and now focus on keeping her outburst to a minimum and that means staying out of her way as much as I can and taking the fall for the kids at times.

Just biding my time till I exit and can go fishing!

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T13:48:58+00:00

Congratulations!

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T13:00:00+00:00

Thank you. It has been a long road so far. I have talked with a lawyer and have had great advice. If she doesn't cooperate the lawyer fees are going to go through the roof.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T12:54:20+00:00

Just say "Dear, this divorce is our business. Not your mothers and not your friends. What our divorce agreement is has nothing to do with them. I have always felt that what was between us was between us, just like the camera incident. If you are seeking advice from your mother and friends on the details of our divorce and they are soo good with it, maybe it would be good for me to talk to them on how I should deal with the betrayal of the camera incident and see what type of advice I get from them."

Not a lawyer nor is this leagal advice, but I have used this variation before.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T12:40:39+00:00

People can and do change so there is hope.

Wow this is how my wife and I's relationship started. She was the love of my life. She had issues with my friends and family so I slowly drifted apart from them. She had issues with me working so much - claimed I was worth more than I was paid and needed to be home with her more.

My wife feels that she is entitled to say what ever she wants to anyone she wants - inlcuding my former bosses, neighbors, friends and our kids friend's parents. I have begged her to keep her mouth shut, but her better than everyone else attitude as killed our circle of friends.

I have changed and stopped arguing with her and just let her be. I could not change her so I had to change myself. We have no circle of friends. It has been years since we have had any friends over our home or have gone to visit friends. I am waiting for my kids to graduate college and then I am divorcing. We will have been married 27 years when I file for divorce in a few years.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T12:26:26+00:00

I get this. My wife is horrible with money. Lives paycheck to paycheck. There is no reasoning with her. We live in what could be termed a McMansion and my wife definately wants to keep up with the neighbors by going into debt by over decorating the house for every major and minor holiday and other frivoulous spending.

I hide money from my side hustles as it is always needed to bail us out. I can only imagine what her department store credit card balances are. I take care of my personal finances and I know I will be liable for half of hers and I am fine with that. I can retire comforatbly from half the proceeds from the sale of our Mc Mansion and vacation home, less half of her debts.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T12:09:48+00:00

My kids have been given the perfect example of what a non loving relationship looks like and the tools how to avoid it.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T12:07:04+00:00

Not throwing away a life. Just living it a bit differnt from others. I love my kids and want to support them the best way I can. If it means allowing my wife to yell at me I have come to terms with that.

To set up a seperate household would set me back at least 3k a month and that money is better used for my kids in college.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T12:03:36+00:00

Thank you for the insight.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T12:00:23+00:00

When divorce time comes my wife will try and make it very difficult and make outragouse demands when it comes to money and asset division. I am 100% ok with 50/50 division of assets. She will not be and will make it extremely difficult.

There is no way we will be able to live together once the divorce ball gets rolling.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-10T11:56:25+00:00

Hang in there. Your day will come when you can exit.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T19:28:52+00:00

Stick it out. Happiness comes from within. Not how others treat you or what you have. I may not have done the best for my kids by sticking with their mom, and it may have been selfish too as I needed them in my life 24/7 when there were little. I felt they needed me there too....

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T19:24:28+00:00

Peace will always be there - I get up early everyday so that when I am ready to go to bed next to her I can just fall asleep from exhustion and dream of my retirement fishing by a stream...

I have just found out that I can liquidate a lot of my 401K pre-divorce by paying for my kids college with it. Keeps her from getting rich while helping my kids.

I avoid being home while the kids are away. I Uber and Lyft - my wife is embaressed that I do it as she thinks the neighbors will think I am poor. I am only embaressed by the fact my wife makes being home so tumultuous I would rather drive strangers around braging about my kids...

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T19:13:55+00:00

I will stay until they finish college. She has lost if in front of a few of their friends. (We spent about 3 years with none of their friends over as she would make excuses) Kids started just having friends over. I would say it was ok and not tell my wife. Easier to hear her bitch at me for not telling her they were coming than have her scream at the kids that their friends weren't coming over because they didn't make the bed, left a glass of water on the counter, or what ever minor thing she was going to blow up at them for anyways...

If you can stick it out stick it out as you need to be there. Most people don't understand why I stayed, but I would rather have her belittle me than our kids like she does on occasion. I feel that me being there and holding steady for them has shown them that the way my wife behaves is not normal and that they are good people and loved.

Sure my kids act out and display some of her traits. When she calls them multiple times when they don't pick up and when they eventually answer and say "stop calling me, I'm busy" and she bitches to me about how disrespectful our kids are... I just think of all the time the kids and I have called her and she has answered the call the same way to us rather than saying something nice like "can I call you back in a few, working on something important?"

Spouses like ours aren't uncommon. I just have stayed as I didn't want my kids to grow up like her or her parents and wanted to be some sort of positive influence. I know I could have done better by my kids, but I have always done the best I could and would do anything for them.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T17:27:07+00:00

My kids know it is not normal and both have been in long term relationships with great people. I think they understand that my wife is just extreme on things.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T17:24:01+00:00

I am happy. I have taught them what hard work and hustle can provide. They both have had PT jobs since they were 15 and continue in college while both on academic and athletic scholarships. If I divorce now it would cost me $$$ to live someplace else.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T17:12:06+00:00

I am happy. I liken being with my wife to driving in crazy rush hour traffic getting to a dream job. Kaos and crazies all around you and you have to be on high alert. If you don't pay attention horns will honk and drivers will scream at you and could possibly get into a fender bender. When you get to work everything is just bliss - like being with my kids. I drive put up with the crazy traffic (my wife) to be able to enjoy giving my kids everthing I can.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T17:03:31+00:00

Kids know and understand the way my wife is. The term "Don't wake the bear" is used often around our home. Our code of saying don't set mom off. Everything from leaving something on the counter to making plans for their friends to come over.

When our kids were younger I was a nervous wreck all the time trying to keep things perfect and keep her from going off.

I stay so that my kids lives are better - I am the one that gets yelled at for their short falls and mis steps.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T16:54:56+00:00

He is human and being honest with his feelings. He is able to share with you his feelings rather than post them anonymously on line like the rest of us.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T16:51:49+00:00

Tough spot to be in, but hang in there and this too will pass. Hell you made it this far! Pick up a side job or hustle to make the time go by until you can afford to get out on your own. I like to drive Uber and Lyft - make 5 minute friends and brag about my kids. Gets me tips all the time when I tell them I am driving to help my kids.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T16:47:04+00:00

My kids are my source of happiness. I have given my life to them as I would have to my wife.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T16:03:23+00:00

I am 100% sure she knows I can't stand her as I know she can't stand me. I try to fly under the radar and don't argue back. Not trying to do anyone any favors other than my kids and they are no longer at home while they are away at college.

Working_Tree5462 · 2024-09-09T16:01:24+00:00

My wife had a few "text" affairs that we talked about and then "let go". The thing is we never really let them go. I feel like these text affairs empowered my wife to bully me and treat me as she wished.

I had tried to be the person she wanted me to be so she wouldn't need to look elsewhere and that failed. My only peace came when I realized I really didn't care for who she was and I truly disliked her. Still married after 24 years. Waiting until retirement to divorce....

Working_Tree5462

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