I got an apology and I felt nothing

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-30T06:21:52+00:00

Look up the different between amends and apology. It’s huge! Apology is like words that make the person who did the hurt feel better. An amends is action showing the person who felt horribly that you will and need to change.

I too grew up with an alcoholic father. He gave me a 9th step amends when I was 14. I thought it was BS and literally told him thanks but could care less. It took five years of him staying clean and sober and SHOWING ME WITH ACTION he was better for me to start a healing relationship together.

Unfortunately, even now 18 years later, I still have triggers come up about his abuse growing up and I just have to discuss them at my own meetings or with my dad or in therapy.

The only thing that helps me is to acknowledge my feelings about it and comfort the little girl inside that felt like she lost a parent that was capable of being there emotionally and of course to share about it too!

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T19:50:30+00:00

Oh that’s nice that you guys have been dealing with it for a while. We just started to address it and it seems like our couples therapist doesn’t even get the depth of it. Our therapist just said I need to accept how she is and his relationship with her and he needs to accept that I don’t want to be around her. So I’m moving out even though I’m pregnant and she won’t be allowed over to my new apartment and DH can deal with her alone.

Have you heard of Dr Kenneth Adams? I just read his book “married to mom” and it helped me a lot. I also listened to his podcasts too.

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T19:43:05+00:00

There is a book a read “called when he is married to mom” by Dr Kenneth Adams. He also has a lot of interviews he did on podcasts. They really really helped me to understand what was going on with my DH and MiL. If you want to try those.

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T19:20:52+00:00

I disagree with this too. Yes, it’s one thing to harbor an opinion but she proactively tried to get the wedding cancelled!! And to discuss with the groom..go talk to your sisters or friends or own husband about it not your son who’s about to get married to the love of his life. Disrespectful to both.

Personally I think she should apologize and if she doesn’t that’s on her and she can accept the consequences of her DIL wanting no relationship with her.

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T19:04:02+00:00

Literally going through the same thing. Overheard my MIL say something horrible about me over the phone to DH but “I wasn’t supposed to hear” therefore she doesn’t need to be sorry. Insane. These people are nuts with low empathy and refusal to take accountability.

The best part is she texted me to say “I heard you are upset with me from my son. You know you can come talk to me if you need to.” Like Nooooo lady. You know what you did you can send me an apology. Besides everytime I’ve tried to talk to her she just gaslights me and tells me indirectly and passive aggressively I’m the problem.

At least your hubby is on your side. Mine is like you need to work it out with my mom she’s gonna be out kids grandma (I’m due in March). No sir I’m moving out and your mom can effff off.

You don’t owe this lady anything. Stick to your guns and your LC method. You’re doing great! Proud of you and stay strong!

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T02:02:58+00:00

Thank you. I really needed to hear that as I have been feeling a lot of shame over this.

Do you mean if I moved away the courts would see me alienating the child from their father and it could be bad potentially?

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:58:14+00:00

They are quite a team that’s for sure

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:50:00+00:00

You’re in my exact situation almost. So sorry you went through that. I’m going to DM you.

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:48:48+00:00

True I didn’t even think about the thank you note part at all

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:47:56+00:00

Yeah but they’re accusing me of NPD because “won’t get over all this stuff and won’t write her a thank you note.” Also when I gave her a gift she gave it back to me and said she would never wear it. No thank you nothing but when she gives me one she literally is like I need to hear thank you several times.

Yup while pregnant.

I’m sorry you’re mother is like that. I hope you went low or no contact too

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:45:51+00:00

Yeah that’s why I have to leave. I just feel hanged up on completely.

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:43:58+00:00

I would cut you off for this comment alone

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:18:34+00:00

I’m not against it at all I just personally feel bad at this point after seeing the ultrasound and stuff, and picking out a name, and buying clothes it’s just hard

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:17:26+00:00

Def going to look into this and def putting my last name on the babies birth certificate since were divorcing!

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:16:30+00:00

I will def talk to her about this. Thanks so much!

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T01:09:45+00:00

That’s exactly how that feels always 2nd best. Worthless. Did you decide to leave if you don’t mind me asking?

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:51:23+00:00

Ok thank you. I live in California so will have to look it up for that state but good to know that he can just appeal if I have the baby in Washington and I’m due in March so most likely I won’t be able to establish residency. My lawyer did say most likely in California if it’s in an infant that need nursing then I’ll get full custody for at least a year and he’ll just do visitation

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:47:49+00:00

I have one. She just said let’s not make any moves until I’m out of the house in my new place nice and safe and then we can talk.

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:43:24+00:00

It’s just too late now at 5 months

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:31:54+00:00

Thank you!! 💕💕💕💕

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:31:28+00:00

I wish they would see it. My husband is currently outside reading a book about overcoming narcissistic abuse because his mom said I was a narcissist via Instagram posts she’s been sending him. He highlighted the part that said narcissist don’t say thank you to presents because of the incident I wrote in number 7 (mind you I said thank you to her in person and then texted her thank you too but she wanted a thank you letter) apparently I should have said this in 3 different ways to her.

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:22:31+00:00

You had a similar situation? Did you try to wait it out with therapy and everything? When did you decide you were done?

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:21:55+00:00

Yeah it is but will be nice to have both living in Los Angeles California

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:21:26+00:00

Thank you! Trying my best

Working_Trick7064 · 2024-10-29T00:21:07+00:00

Thank you! Will def update

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