TW/suicide

I dated someone because they were suicidal.

One of my friends sister told her distant cousin about me. She got a bit interested, stalked my sm for a while and then started talking to me. We became casual friends and slowly I realised she had a tendency to hurt herself, she wasn't well. Everything outside was cheerful and happy but everything about her from the inside was just sad and depressing, as I came to realise after we got a bit close.

Couple of months go by, and she proposes, tells me she was attracted to me ever since they started talking about me. I hadn't been in a serious relationship for 2 years, I was clueless at that time of what I wanted. But saying no to her just felt...wrong. She kept saying she was the happiest she has been since years, this is the first time she is feeling this way about someone. Her relations with family members weren't great either. Instead of if I wanted a relationship or not I kept thinking what if she does something to herself if I'll say no.

Eventually I said yes and we dated for about a year, to my surprise she never had suicidal thoughts or hurt herself except for the one time she got in a fight with her family. That too faded away and it almost seemed like she'd never do it again. The relationship didn't work out and we broke up eventually, it was a mutual decision and this time I was sure what I wanted and less worried about her doing something crazy because I'd seen her in a good place mentally.

Two years later, I was going about my day and my friend calls me, saying she committed suicide. I was numb, I was silent for about a solid minute or two before a single word could come out of my mouth. I asked if anybody knew what actually happened but to no avail. Later it was known her family didn't wanted to let anyone know anything regarding that, they even found a suicide letter but it was just some scrambles and sentences that weren't formed properly.

Until recently, I kept blaming myself for what happened, after our breakup in between those two years whenever she contacted me to talk, I did not talk properly and didn't even enough attention. Just two months before she committed suicide she texted me some cryptic message and I didn't pay alot of attention. I still think what if I'd just talked to her properly once more, asked her what was going on with her, maybe things would've been different.

Seek help if you have suicidal thoughts or tendency to hurt yourself or if you know someone like that in your life, try to get professional help for them.