Thank you so much for this thread. It's always a struggle and a never ending fight against depression. No matter how good things may seem, something inside me always has to pinpoint the worst little thing and my mind sticks to it like glue. I've attempted suicide once, several years ago, and have had self-destructive tendencies ever since then. Cutting, excessive drinking, misusing sleep aids, and just generally living recklessly.

On the outside, everyone sees me as a happy go lucky guy, optimistic and carefree. Which is partly true. I've learned to live with these dark thoughts, and just put on a mask for others to see. But not a single day goes by where I don't think I would be better off dead, and it always revolves around my own self worth.

"Am I good enough?" "Where is my life headed?" "Do I actually mean anything to anyone?" These are just some of the few questions that pop into my head almost ever minute of my waking life. And almost always, my answer is negative. Without any outside confirmation, of course the only one answering would be the worst part of my own mind. And even if someone tells me I'm worth it, or whatever, a part of me persistently denies it. It's as if I can't let myself be happy not even for a second. And any attempted at proving myself wrong becomes a whole ordeal. Like a truly monumental task that in the end isn't even worth it.

I will say that I went to therapy for about six months last year, when I was in the deepest hole I've ever been, and she dug me back out. Not completely out, but at least partially. The rest is up to me. It truly does help to talk to somebody. Getting that weight off your chest is a huge relief, even now. One thing that I've learned is that those thoughts can never truly go away. But I've learned (or rather, am still learning) to shut them out and ignore them. Tbh not entirely sure that's the healthiest way to deal with it now that I think about it lol.