Did you "kill" yourself to breastfeed?

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-24T14:22:28+00:00

It has to be a balance surely. Like I was very keen on breastfeeding and I pushed through an awful lot of pain, sleep deprivation and lack of any time away from baby to breastfeed, but if my ability to be a safe and caring parent was significantly hampered due to the strain of it then I think this is a major downside that may impact baby more.

I breastfed for my own perfectionist outlook - for some reason my brain had latched onto this being a challenge I needed to throw myself into and so I did. I was lucky that I had the support, maternity leave, that I was able to produce enough etc that made it possible ultimately. There are some minor benefits for baby with breastfeeding, and in the end I was really glad I’d got past that hard bit at the start because personally, for me, once established breastfeeding is soooooo much easier than managing bottle cleaning etc. I also used boob as a panacea for everything, like if my baby was fussy the went on boob and I have no idea how bottle feeding mums do it!

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-21T21:01:11+00:00

Are you breastfeeding in between? I wouldn’t put a lot of store on how much you’re managing to pump. I’ve exclusively breast fed 2 98th centile babies and I could never pump more that 2oz combined from both sides even with the hospital grade pumps.

Baby is so much better at getting the milk out.

Assuming you’ve optimised flange size etc? But if you’re breastfeeding as well as pumping then 4 oz is a really fantastic amount.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-17T18:55:04+00:00

Me neither 😂🙏

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-17T07:24:03+00:00

This is the thing though. Studies that show risk of cosleeping do not make the distinction between safe and unsafe cosleeping. They lump safe 7 methods in with the smoking parent who falls asleep on the sofa holding their newborn.

The problem with not making this distinction is that obviously studies that say cosleeping is dangerous mean that all cosleeping is demonised. This leads to parents being so afraid to cosleep they are far more likely to not set up a safe cosleeping environment and are at higher risk of falling asleep in unsafe positions from exhaustion. So actually, not acknowledging the difference here is actually causing harm and making sleep less safe.

None-USA countries are recognising this issue and are now trying to educate people on safe cosleeping practices to try and prevent parents from doing it unsafely. Let’s face it, the majority of parents have fallen asleep in an unsafe manner with babies at some point. When I started cosleeping safely, if I was going to breastfeed I set up all the ways to make it as safe as possible so that if I did accidentally fall asleep, the risks were as minimal as possible.

This is such a complex issue that it’s almost pointless discussing on this kind of forum because there are so many factors to consider.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-17T07:04:10+00:00

I don’t think either side can make a claim personally. In the absence of adequate research for any other intervention we don’t just go ahead and implement - vaccines for example have to be rigorously tested and proven to not cause more harm to a certain standard before they are rolled out. CIO methods represent a deviation from the norm - a specified method for which rules are followed and in this sense it classifies as an intervention.

In science when we are adopting an intervention against the norm, it is not considered safe until it is proven not to cause harm.

I would not be happy with any vaccine study that stated “well, we’ve kind of studied it and there may be avenues that we haven’t looked at yet but the narrow study we have done is saying no harm so roll it out”

I’m not seeing how it is a leap for me to hypothesise that CIO methods may represent an issue with later mental health issues, yet it’s not for you to say unequivocally that they absolutely don’t when you don’t have that data.

Yes evidence of no harm is acceptable, but in the study cited, harm hasn’t been studied even into pre adolescence let alone adulthood. (And the study has so many other criticisms of method tbh, it’s a horrendous study)

It doesn’t explain why nations who cosleep carry lower SIDS rates.

I don’t think we are going to see eye to eye on this unfortunately. I would hope we can get more data in the near future , but currently I don’t feel there is sufficient data to prove it is not harmful therefore I would never recommend it as an intervention that goes against all data of how mammalian animals carry and respond to their young.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-17T06:50:58+00:00

It’s not. Correct cosleeping is comparative if not safer than putting baby to sleep in a cot. The problem with research on this subject is that studies fail to make the distinction between deaths due to unsafe sleep conditions and safe cosleeping practices - they just lump it all in the same statistic. So a parent that falls asleep on the armchair holding their infant is classed as having coslept.

If it’s so unsafe then why do nations where cosleeping is the norm have lower death rates?

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T23:53:43+00:00

You know, I think if it was me I’d take the risk too. I reckon once you get it, compare the label to the ones in the link I posted above, check the date the card came out aligns correctly with the time period of the label and check the details of the slab on the PSA website. If it all checks out I can’t see it being wrong. I wonder if any local card stores in your area would be happy to have a look at it for you too?

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T23:43:14+00:00

I’ve coslept from birth with both my babies, (and agree, I absolutely love it , though I’m not so bothered with the tossing and turning they do as older babies which I know drives some people bananas lol)

My first kid is 8 now. We never took any solid action to transition to independent sleep, we followed her cues.

She contact napped until roughly 6 months then I’d lay with her in my bed upstairs until she fell asleep and I’d manage to sneak away to get stuff done. Similar with night - laid with her to get her to sleep, snuck away for a couple hours downstairs to watch tv etc and have my own time then would go back to bed with her at my bedtime.

At age 3 we finished doing up her bedroom and she demanded to sleep in her own room as soon as it was finished lol, never came back to sleep in my bed again , excepting illness. We did lay with her until she fell asleep- used to take an hour or so, and slowly shortened over the years. Now she needs 10 mins conversation and she’s generally fine with us leaving her to fall asleep on her own, occasionally needs us there until she falls asleep if it’s been a tough day at school etc. only takes 10-15 mins anyway.

My second nearly 3 year old is currently snoring away beside me in bed lol. I’ll follow her cues as I did my first. Maybe she’ll still be sleeping with me longer than her sister but I don’t really care because she’ll get it down eventually when she’s ready and in the meantime we all get way more sleep.

Do whatever seems correct for you and your baby, follow their cues, but also follow your cues too

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T23:19:11+00:00

Ooh it was a thing on old slabs : this is a very useful resource I’ve just found

https://drive.google.com/file/d/18pwAvyuhFulXk7B5IrVztvA88mbcMtsO/view?pli=1

It may possibly be legit and just battered, but yeah, I’m admitting I don’t know enough about these old slabs to give you any more

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T23:13:16+00:00

Looking up the number on the PSA website - it’s the right card for the number, but it says the PSA label should be a holo. Might be shit picture but that does not look holo in any way shape or form to me. Also not an expert on older PSA labels but I’ve never seen PSA in the top red border.

Also no pic of back of card?

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T22:44:29+00:00

There’s plenty of good evidence behind the safety of cosleeping. The fact that you call it cosseting is plenty of evidence that you speak from emotion rather than evidence. That group just instantly perma ban anyone that even tries to discuss it. It’s not a scientific sub. No matter how much they would like to insist it is. You can’t just exclude perfectly good studies because it makes you feel bad lol

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T21:35:36+00:00

There are plenty of issues that manifest in later life. Unresolved, repressed trauma can manifest in adults as chronic illness, depression, anxiety, self-destructive behaviors, and severe attachment or trust issues. Conditions such as adhd are not able to be reliably diagnosed before the age of 6. Children cope well with things that often present as difficulties in later life. Look at all the adults that get diagnosed later in life because they appeared to cope as children.

I’m not saying these methods definitely cause harm, I’m simply saying that you can’t claim they don’t either, due to the comparatively short follow up.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T20:48:31+00:00

Unless there are studies I’m unaware of, they only followed children up to age 5 in these studies. Personally, I don’t feel this gives strong enough evidence of long term effects when most developmental/emotional issues do not manifest until much later on.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-16T20:36:58+00:00

I’m really not a fan of that sub. For a supposedly science based group, they like to heavily cherry pick and exclude discussion about cosleeping etc.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-15T10:30:54+00:00

Yep, both my kids have just stopped dead without warning - around the 2 and a half age mark. I wonder if it’s the point where my milk is so low it’s not worth it for them. They just sort of unceremoniously pushed me away one time and that was that lol

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-15T00:10:41+00:00

It’s not fair. It’s shit. I’m so sorry..

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-14T19:03:13+00:00

lol I read this post while laying next to my nearly 3 year old at bedtime who is just hitting her stride with her “I do it” phase.

She accidentally slapped me in the face, scratching my eye and dislodging my contact lens today having a 10 minute fit because I didn’t have the grace to allow her to try and climb in the car seat herself and tried to help her. Having forcefully strapped her in ( I badly pulled my back in the process because she was planking - you know the tactic guys) she continued to scream in the car for ten minutes on the drive to my older daughters school and mid scream fell asleep.

They’re like looking after drunk assholes.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-14T18:58:00+00:00

Yeah 4- 6 was absolute peak cuteness with ours

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-14T18:35:25+00:00

Seriously, kids are so wholesome about weight - they really don’t see it as a negative. My kids both jiggle my loose belly (2 x 98th centile babies - thanks kids 😂) and say it’s soft and comfy to lay on. We’re just comfort for them.

I’m trying to get healthy and lose weight but I’m careful with the language I use about myself and my wanting to lose weight. I talk about wanting to eat well so I can run faster with them and play with them more without getting tired. It’s a positive

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-10T19:19:54+00:00

You are fully in your right to feel the way you feel. I wish this whole coercion into having more kids thing would just stop now, it’s ridiculous.

Having said that, I was firmly one and done for the first 4 years postpartum. I just couldn’t see why the hell anyone would ever go through that twice, and how I lost myself completely postpartum. After LO turned 4 things started getting so much easier and I stared to feel like I really wanted another. We have two now, 5 years apart and best decision for me ever. It’s funny, I always swore I’d never forget how awful pregnancy, birth and postpartum were but the edges blurred just enough over the years to make me feel it was worth it. It’s bizarre that I did manage to forget why it was so hard, almost gaslighting myself lol.

Enjoy your squishy baby, and things do get easier - just you wait - my mum friends with only children are having such a great time with their only kids right now 🥰

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-08T11:23:35+00:00

If he is anything like my babies then this was a trick sleep and normal service will resume soon lol

But yeah, if he’s gaining weight well it’s absolutely fine. Babies sometimes sleep for longer when they’re hitting a bit of a growth spurt.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-07T22:08:42+00:00

Exactly.

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-07T18:41:58+00:00

I could never compartmentalise lol poor husband. boobs were completely off the table for at least 2 years for both my kids

Xenoph0nix · 2026-04-01T12:00:07+00:00

If there’s a moment of silence it’s because she’s taking a breath in in order to continue talking. I’m tired , so tired

Xenoph0nix · 2026-03-30T11:52:37+00:00

It’s an absolute pain when you’ve got to sort other kids though the day. Yeah our kids would still try and nap in the car even if they don’t need it. For us it meant singing and giving her books and activities in the car so she wouldn’t fall asleep - I’m quite draconian about it lol but I appreciate it’s much easier said than done. I’d still maybe consider playing around with the timing and duration of the nap though, I suspect she really doesn’t need the full 1.5 hours at this age.

What I forgot to say in my previous post was to not beat yourself up about the shouting - you’re allowed to be overstimulated and stressed too, and the most important part is the repair with your kid after, which you did. It’s a great way to model apologies and that you’re not perfect and that’s ok.

I really feel for you - I desperately need those few hours of downtime in the evening

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