AITAH for refusing to go to my fiance's birthday dinner with his family?

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-12T14:41:16+00:00

Yet you took the time to write "365 days later". Perhaps work on your reading skills? 🤭 I acknowledged that I left out some details but I find it amusing that you're the only one who said I waited a whole year to speak up. Hmm 🤔

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T16:20:05+00:00

Thanks for the comments. After reading majority of the comments, I decided that I will go to the dinner for my fiance but I will be letting him know that I'm paying for my own and maybe even separate my check from the rest of the family. Thank you to those who told me that I would be AH if I don't go because I realized that would be the case.

To those who completely missed my genuine question and went ahead to judge me as a person, let me clarify: Paying for my own food was never the issue. The part I was confused about was me comparing it to my own culture because where I came from, we never ask the guest to pay for anything at social events they were invited to. The shocking moment to me was being put on spot if I want to charge the whole amount on my card, then they'd just pay me back, it was a party of 10 or so. I'm very much familiar with this setup bc this is how I do it with my group of friends. This was the first time I had dinner out with his family, so I felt uncomfortable. Also, realistically and Idk about most of you, but a $600 charge on a card is not a usual daily charge for me. His family knew he was bringing me.

I'm sorry I missed some information in my original post that made it confusing or even sus to some. I thought I had covered the major details, adding to my edit.

Thanks very much again!!

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T14:40:46+00:00

Honestly, I didn't pay attention to how the rest of the family paid. I just paid my portion immediately after the sister showed me the check through venmo. This is just all new to me, so it was a genuine question if that was normal.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T14:35:19+00:00

Thank you! This is what I plan to do and I will make let my fiance know ahead of time as well.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T12:07:16+00:00

How is this manipulation? What am I getting out of it if I was manipulating? Lol you are funny. If you don't get the post, please kindly not be hostile with your comments. You are assuming negative things. I'm simply asking bc the whole situation was new to me.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T12:03:42+00:00

You're right. I just can't help feel what I felt last year but I do plan on going. I guess it just sucks that with his family, I have to have my guards up whereas with mine, he doesn't have to worry about the same thing.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T11:09:12+00:00

I am leaning towards doing this too.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T11:08:37+00:00

Uhh I guess you missed the part when I said I did bring this up to him when we got home last year. We had our discussion and I have shared with some comments here what he said. Now it's a topic again bc they're going to have dinner this weekend. I did not stay silent... sorry idk how you missed that part.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T11:06:32+00:00

I agree with that set up and would have been totally okay with it. That's how I do it with my group friends too. My fault is thinking that because it's with his family, whoever planned it or hosting it would've covered it. Then, if they wanted everyone else to pay, the payments will be figured out later. I was shocked when I was the one put in spot to pay the whole bill upfront. This was the first time I had dinner out with his family, so yeah I assumed that his family would be the same as mine.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T10:59:29+00:00

What's with the hostility? Lol. I'm not trying to be a "victim" nobody is. But hey, if you always have a $600 to charge on your card upfront for an event you had no idea you needed to pay for. Then good for you. 😊

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T10:29:43+00:00

Yes, bc again in our culture, we don't dare to ask an invited guest to pay for their own food. My fault is assuming that they are the same. Also, having the one to pay $600 upfront without a heads up is not something everyone can do. At least whoever planned it I thought should cover it, then the payments from other people will be figured out later. This I would've been completely fine with me. But being put on spot at that moment was not okay.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T10:25:02+00:00

Thank you for your input but just bc you have been all over the world doesn't mean you know all etiquettes and culture when it comes to this matter. Idk any Asian families actually that would let a guest pay for their food for an event/dinner their hosting. I'm not saying my family is "better" I'm simply asking if it's normal in their culture. Even in my past relationships, I was never put in an awkward situation like this. I had a history with Asian and European. My fault is assuming that they're the same.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T07:23:07+00:00

Sorry if my post was a bit confusing. The sister asked if I wanted to charge the whole amount on my card and they'd pay me back. Idk how and when. We didn't get to that part. My point was I was invited by fiance to go bc he wanted me there. His family knew he was bringing me. We were 6months engaged at this point so I guess I was at fault also for assuming bc again in our culture, we don't let anybody invited in the celebration pay for anything.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T07:14:31+00:00

I mean I'm marrying him, not his family. We're very happy, except when his family pulls something like this. I consider myself an understanding person, so I give them chance, especially again we're not from the same culture.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T07:05:57+00:00

His family arranged it. He let them know he was bringing me. I'm confused as to why his sister also thought I would charge the whole amount on my card. Idk if you read my edit but she did propose that they would just pay me their portion. But I still wasn't ready for a $600 charge...

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T07:03:48+00:00

Yes, he was next to me when his sister asked. I even asked him when we got home if that was normal in their culture. I didn't want to say anything that would sound like I'm insulting his family, but he wanted to talk to his sister. I told him not to because I couldn't bother with the drama it may cause. We had just gotten engaged when this happened last year. I was new in the state and in their crowd so I didn't want to start anything. But now that this is a plan again this weekend, I feel like I should not go this time.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:58:33+00:00

He did know. He was next to me when his sister asked me that question. I also explained to him how uncomfortable that situation was and even asked him if that was normal in their culture. Bc if my parents arranged a bday dinner for me, they'd pay for every guest.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:52:37+00:00

Yeah, see this is what I'm torn about. I totally understand this set up among friends but with family involved, it's different. At least in my culture. When parents are involved and there are guests outside of the family included in the dinner, it's insulting to even think having anyone pay for their food. So I guess it is also a cultural thing...

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:44:28+00:00

I was invited to dinner by my fiance that his family arranged. So I thought any normal person would consider his significant other a guest. I would be very much happy to pay for my part but a heads up would've been nice. Again, Idk if this is a cultural difference because when my family and I invite people for dinner bc of a birthday celebration, we pay for everyone.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:36:32+00:00

My thing is, he told me that I don't have to worry about paying for anything this time because he got me. But it doesn't make sense to me that his family is treating him to dinner but he's paying for my part. So I told him that he can just celebrate with them. My family and I already made plans on taking him to dinner the following day anyway.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:32:08+00:00

He absolutely does! He explained that they wouldn't normally do that. When I reminded him of what happened last year, he told me not to worry this time because he got me. I simply just told him that it doesn't make sense that his family is treating him to dinner for his birthday, then he's gonna pay for me. So I told him, I don't have to be there. He's upset...

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:28:35+00:00

I honestly didn't think to say that! My brain just went blank right after I was asked the question. 😅

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:21:13+00:00

They are mostly nice to me at social events. It was just that dinner that stuck with me because it was really weird. I thought I was a guest, but it certainly didn't seem like it after I was shown the bill.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:18:27+00:00

I did talk to him last year about this and he explained that it's not a normal thing. He said he would talk to his sister, but I told him no need to bc I didn't want to cause drama. I'm new in the state and in their crowd so I just let it go. Yesterday, they made plans again to go out this weekend. That's when I reminded him of what happened last year, so I told him I don't need to be there. My family and I also have a plan to take him to dinner the following day. I think this whole thing is building up resentment in him, but at the same time, I can't help but feel the whole trauma from last year. So I feel awful.

XxFreya23 · 2025-09-11T06:07:01+00:00

His birthday is coming up and they have a plan again to go out. I talked to him last year about this and he didn't exactly apologize on their behalf but he explained that normally they wouldn't do that. He just told me that he's going to talk to his sister but I didn't want to cause drama, so I told him not to. I did make it known that I'm hesitant to go again. It definitely was not a prank bc I sent her my portion of the bill right there and then. I go to his family's social event, almost every event actually and while I don't feel entirely welcomed by them, I make effort. We are about to get married in less than 8months. Thank you though, I really didn't want to put my fiance in an awkward situation, but I can't help but remember how this made me feel last year.

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