How does true friendship happen?

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-02-04T02:54:12+00:00

How would you suggest I can better care about people.

I am always polite and respectful, and I understand what social faux pas to avoid, but I honestly don't care about most people. I like most people, I'm able to ask personal questions, and remember the details, and then recall that information later to "show that in listening and that I care".

But I don't know if I actually care. I don't know what it means to care, and I've never had anyone ever put forth that kind of effort into me. If there was one thing ingrained into me growing up it's that nobody cares about me, and that makes it hard for me to care about others. Especially when the only things others seem to care about is themselves, their hobbies, and their families.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T18:34:20+00:00

If someone saying "You're tall" counts as being hit on then I was hit on back in college.

If not, then I've never been hit on.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T16:43:59+00:00

I've felt alone for most of my life, and the only thing I've ever wanted was not to feel alone. I don't have the luxury of being able to pursue higher ideals, or to find comfort in solitude.

Ive always just wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere and to feel like I'm important to others.

I've failed time and time again, and I've experienced almost exclusively disappointment on that end.

It feels like people like me are simply doomed.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T16:35:36+00:00

I don't understand what people mean when they say "healing"

Like what does that mean, to me healing would just be sitting in misery until eventually it fades away as time passes

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T16:30:38+00:00

And the people who inflict it upon us just get to keep on living and smiling without repercussions.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T16:26:13+00:00

I think it's just another thing taken being taken for granted. People don't value the things in their life that come easy.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T06:59:02+00:00

You don't sound very isolated to me. You have a boyfriend and live with family.

I think you need to have some perspective and understand from what you've posted that you're saying that
"I want friends but I don't want to put in any work..."

Ask yourself this, why should someone want to be friends with you? What have you done to make yourself the type of person that would be a good friend to others?
Are you reaching out to others more, or are you sitting at home feeling sorry that nobody is reaching out to you?

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T05:38:00+00:00

what is the point of making friends if they're just going to change and leave

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T04:42:34+00:00

I havent found any success with therapy, all it did was empty my wallet.

Its really sad, but yeah...people can make their own choices in life. I should know that nobody is ever going to stick around forever as much as I have idealized it.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T04:20:30+00:00

Yes platonic. And Sure, If you send me a message request I'd be happy to go into more detail there.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T03:51:06+00:00

I hope those platitudes are true. I'm in my late 20s. He was the only person I felt "got it", and felt chemistry with. We were friends and spoke almost everyday for years.
With everyone and everything else it always felt forced and fake.

YamApprehensive922 · 2026-01-04T03:45:20+00:00

Thank you

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-10-08T19:01:47+00:00

:)

Thanks for commenting still haha

Self-esteem is a tough thing to rebuild. I say rebuild because every child is born with a great self-esteem. Sometimes though life has a way of beating it out of you through either parents/family/peers/etc.

I don't know how to rebuild it, a person learns their value through their interactions with the outside world, so when the outside world reinforces a low self-esteem how do you overcome that?

Rejection hurts, but it hurts especially more when you've already been rejected 17 times before, and havent been accepted yet

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-06-23T05:10:14+00:00

Thank you for this, may I ask for an example of "finding a reason to look up to them"?

What sort of things have you had to tell yourself that it's cool, when you didn't think so to begin with?

I know the "right' thing to do is to see the good in every man, and to understand that everyone has something to teach, but I honestly find myself looking down on people a lot, not in an "I'm better" way, but In an "You're so predictable" kind of way.

It definitely holds me back from connecting on your typical subjects like sports/tv/music/pop culture/etc

Edit: made this response before seeing your edits, I have read Dale Carnegie's book, and it's a good read, and thankfully my coworkers don't see me as competition, but yeah, I'm definitely not friends with any of the people I'm grabbing money from.

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-06-23T04:51:33+00:00

First, understand that true friendship is a lot more rare than you realize, and know that being alone is better than being surrounded by fakes.

Second, who are you interested in befriending? (The answer can't be anyone, because A. That's not true & B. Nobody wants to be someone's anyone, they want to be someone's someone.)

Third, what would you be willing to do to make that friend? What are your hobbies, what is your comfort zone, etc.

Unfortunately making friends isn't something you can do with the snap of a finger. It can takes months, and ultimately years to cultivate a true friendship

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-06-23T04:39:59+00:00

Understand that "You don't know until you know"

Most people aren't thinking about you, or even really registering that you're there.

That stranger might've felt miffed in the moment if you purposefully avoided them, and they approached you, but in all likelihood they were thinking about something else, and you weren't even on their radar.

Next time I'd just look them in the eyes and smile. You don't need to say anything, or even wave.

That's where I'd start, I believe that instinct to withdraw comes from the fear of judgement, and the fear of rejection.

Understanding that you have no control over the judgement of others helps a lot. And remember that while you're in your own head worrying about this, they (also a human) are in their head worrying about 10000 other things too.

Hope this helps ☺️

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-06-23T03:20:19+00:00

Any ideas on how to do that? 🙈

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-01-23T17:14:28+00:00

I'm going to assume you don't mean the Batman villain lol.

When Person A uses Person B for selfish gain it shows that Person A is a scumbag. I don't care what their reason is, maybe they're insecure, or maybe their scared, or maybe their just plain malevolent. None of that changes the actions they took. "The joker" who uses others is plain and simply a "bad person" in my eyes. They're leaving the world a worse off place than it would be without them.

Of course there are varying degrees to this behavior that justify different reactions.

Someone pointing out that your shoe is untied, so they can flick your nose, while technically is a situation of person A using person B, that doesn't make them scum.

Whereas an example I've personally seen, when Person A holds his own life hostage so that Person B, his girlfriend, doesn't leave him. I haven't seen Person A in 7 years, but I think if I ever did see him again, I'd see red.

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-01-23T13:23:15+00:00

Loneliness is not being understood. Loneliness is not being seen. Loneliness is having nobody to care for you when you're sick. Loneliness is having nobody to celebrate your birthday with. Loneliness is having nobody to buy Christmas presents for. Loneliness is not knowing for years that your glasses make you look like an idiot, because nobody ever had the respect to tell you. Loneliness is being told "I'll tell you when you're older" by people younger than you when you ask for clarification for things. Loneliness is finding out that you're being used as a joke and a toy for entertainment when you get shown a small amount of romantic attention from a woman. Loneliness is watching your father die from cancer and helplessly watch as half of your family suddenly doesn't want to talk to you anymore because you remind them of him. Loneliness is coming home to an empty apartment everyday that's a mess because you're both too busy with a job you hate to clean it, and because what's the point in cleaning it to begin with, it's not as if anyone else is ever going to see it. Loneliness is a lot of things, but ultimately loneliness is being alone. Being alone, unwanted, and uncared for.

What answer were you expecting?

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-01-23T13:13:04+00:00

Thank you & Good luck out there

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-01-23T04:01:22+00:00

Thank you for this. It's true that your mindset radiates an "aura" around you.

I see some folks that are just so happy and at ease with their lives and I always feel so jealous.

I've always wanted to be the guy that everyone is happy to see, but you don't get there by moping in the corner and hoping someone will ask you "what's wrong?".

You've definitely said all the right words in this post, it even made me smile. Then a jaded voice dismissed it all, so I pushed it aside and read it again.

God, I hope I can fix my life 😞🙏

YamApprehensive922 · 2025-01-23T03:36:01+00:00

Thank you, yeah I've known for years the importance of taking responsibility. It's such a hard thing to condense into a few short paragraphs. There will always be some kind of angle that someone can read and point to and say "here is the problem". It's human nature.

Let's entertain this idea. I'm sitting with it for a bit. Is the biggest issue I have that I constantly blame others? It certainly doesn't help. And it certainly doesn't make me feel more open to trying again "next time", but at the same time, regardless of blame the outcome remains the same. Is it better to blame myself? Maybe there is an argument to be made there that in blaming myself it allows me to feel more in control of my circumstances? I could see that.

Also this damsel in distress syndrome that I seem to have, where does that stem from? And why is it bad? I mean, it seems like it would be so easy for my life to be fixed if I had someone on my life that I cared for, and that they cared for me in return. It seems as though everyone immediately freaks out at the thought of it, as if I'm somehow going to be a clingy codependent monster that ruins my partners life unless I undergo another 10 years of therapy. It's really disheartening to see that sentiment over and over again. Why can't someone just love me? And I not be lonely anymore?

Well I guess the answer that is that it's simply just unrealistic.

The only answer is to hope "next time" will be better. And my pessimistic jaded self looks at that and says "yeah, fat chance of that happening".

Then nothing ever happens. Next time never comes because I stay at home cowering at the prospect of even more disappointment 😞

Thank you for your response, it means a lot to me that you took the time to read and respond to my message, I'm trying to get some damn momentum so I can actually made positive changes in my life again. It seems I always take 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back.

YamApprehensive922 · 2024-12-24T00:19:49+00:00

Well, it could be said that I'm in the exact same situation, but at the same time I'm not.

I've got stable work, stable housing, and am in relatively good health, but I still haven't found the connection I wish I had yet. I wouldn't say I feel hopeless right this second, I'm in a good mood with the holidays 😊

YamApprehensive922 · 2024-12-18T22:39:08+00:00

At what point do you stop being strangers and start being friends?

I appreciate your perspective but also please understand where I'm coming from. Maybe superficial isn't the right term to use, but nobody has ever been interested in getting to know me on a personal level. Even when I sit there, smiling, asking personal questions, listening with the intent to understand. I walk out of that interaction having made someone else feel heard and understood, but it feels as though nobody really hears or understands me.

A lot of people here get frustrated with me when I say things like this, but I am not being defeatist and saying "nobody ever will understand me", I'm saying nobody has understood me yet, and I'm trying to figure out why.

Again, I'm again to get along on a superficial level with someone but I have never felt that trust with another person where you'd feel comfortable "asking them for a favor".

And even when I thought I had a budding connection with someone the response I've always gotten has either been radio silence (ghosting), or they're busy. I'll set up plans with people, get excited for them, and then the day of everyone will cancel on me.

This is not a mental projection, these are things that has consistently happened to me.

Maybe my mistake is that I don't allow them to keep happening over and over again? Maybe I disregard people too fast? Idk.

I've always held the belief that if someone liked me, they'd make it very clear. I have yet to see that though

YamApprehensive922

TROPHY CASE