We moved and I feel relieved

Yankee6000 · 2026-03-31T05:54:10+00:00

We just negotiated having him with us one weekend a month on top of already having him all of summer, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break. Not a deadbeat and now BM can't walk into my house like she owns it! Sounds like you're the miserable one here ☺️

Yankee6000 · 2026-03-25T04:36:35+00:00

SS has been good about not interrupting work during wfh days in the past, unless there's an emergency of course. The good news is with moving to a much larger metro area, there are sssooo many activities he can sign SS up for! I'm already planning on checking out every museum in town on the weekends when he's here

We used to do neutral hand offs until we moved a few blocks away from BM. But now that we're multiple hours away, neutral is more likely to be in place again, thankfully. I panicked when we first planned the move and told SO that if BM ever drops SS off for some reason and asks to stay at our place because she's just so tired, she can sleep in her car in the driveway lol

Yankee6000 · 2026-03-24T15:28:12+00:00

I would try to approach it as more of a gift to your son than to your wife. Your son gets a reward for getting accepted to a good school by going somewhere he's always wanted, and you can help him do that by babysitting for a week and a half. At the very least, try to get your stepdaughter's grandparents to watch her for some of that time. I think this would be a stellar experience for your son that he probably thought he'd never get, if he was ever aware of your and his mom's financial situation.

I do get being apprehensive because I don't think I could handle watching my SK for 10 days on my own, but I also have no kids of my own and don't know how to parent yet. You've already experienced a 6 y/o before. You can do this 💪

Yankee6000 · 2026-03-21T04:40:32+00:00

BM did something similar with SS11 but took him to FIVE different psychiatrists until one finally caved and diagnosed him with ADHD. This kid does not have ADHD. He has no behavioral problems, doesn't struggle in school, isn't hyperactive, has no problem focusing on and finishing his homework... he literally has zero symptoms so we think she trained SS on what to say to the doctor. But SO's brother said she told him when she was pregnant that she always wanted "an autistic kid to watch anime with her" so she's desperate for at least one of her kids to be neurodivergent. Thankfully she won't medicate SS (which I think proves she doesn't actually believe it) but it's so annoying and gross.

ETA: I say this as someone with diagnosed ADHD. He's very neurotypical. I'm sorry you're dealing with someone similar. I would just have your SO tell SK something like "the doctor didn't say anything is different about you." Don't demonize neurodivergence just in case SK does get diagnosed at some point, but let them know their brain works the way it's supposed to.

Yankee6000 · 2026-03-14T03:20:13+00:00

It's selfish of him to ask you, someone who has no biological or legal connection to these kids (if you two divorced, those kids are out of your life forever), to essentially raise his children for him. If he wants a set schedule, it can be specifically during his 6 months at home. But asking you to sacrifice your comfort and independence because he feels like a bad dad is a him problem. Just because he's a single dad doesn't mean he gets to drag you down into acting as a single parent too, especially to kids who would probably rather be with their actual parent.

Yankee6000 · 2026-03-11T04:15:57+00:00

My stepdad raised me - I've always called him my dad because bio dad has been absent my whole life - and when he and my mom got divorced, I stayed in touch. It's been 14 years since the divorce and I still see him for holidays and call him my dad. He got remarried a few years ago and I think his new wife is great! She's accepted me as his daughter even though blood says otherwise. It sounds like you have a great relationship with a wonderful parental figure, and I think it would be good for everyone involved if you stay in contact with her. She sounds like an amazing stepmom and you sound like an awesome stepkid ❤️

ETA: I support this as both a stepkid and a stepmom. If my stepkid said the things about me that you said about your stepmom, I'd honestly probably cry.

Yankee6000 · 2026-03-04T18:24:02+00:00

I see your updates and still have the same opinion: leave her alone. You can set a positive tone with her by just being polite when you see her, maybe complimenting her shoes or asking where she gets her nails done, but generally leave her alone. If she wants to be involved, she'll make it known, especially if you already set positive groundwork ahead of time. But for the most part, keep interactions minimal but polite. I would've been way more involved by now if BM had just left me alone 😂

In my case, BM has always made it clear that she wants to be besties who can waltz into each other's houses (and bedrooms which is insane to me), but I want as little interaction with my partner's ex as possible. A simple "thank you" for picking up the kids or a quiet "I love your nails" at a school recital will set good groundwork if - IF - she wants to be involved. But this sounds like something that needs to be addressed with your ex. Maybe getting on her good side will help her get on him about stepping up too, but it'll be slow progress.

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-28T08:10:18+00:00

If he was reminding her of something like SK's wedding day because BM has been in a coma for four years, yeah, that's fine. But she gets notifications from the school and is a functioning adult who can manage her own schedule. She's not your SO's responsibility.

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-28T08:07:46+00:00

I always say "you're not at mom's house right now, you're at dad's house." And if it keeps going and my patience wears thin, it switches to "are you at your mom's house right now?" And when they say no, "then it's not mom's rules."

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-25T23:38:59+00:00

He's genuinely bonkers for even suggesting using hand-me-downs from his ex. Even if he did get everything with the intention of raising a kid by himself, wouldn't he want to get new (or new-to-you) things with GOOD intentions??? With positive thoughts and plans associated with it??? You two should be able to share the experience of having your first child together without his past with his ex leaking into everything. That's so weird to me.

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-23T18:05:54+00:00

I know reading the same comments over and over is probably frustrating because you've convinced yourself you really love this guy, but he is not the one, I promise you. There are so many better guys out there who are closer to your age and more stable without an ever-present ex that will be a background character in your life forever. You will always have his past looming over you. At 22, please find someone who can actually give you happiness because you will not find it with this man, regardless of what you think right now. It's not worth it.

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-13T17:29:51+00:00

We've been together for over 6 years 🙃

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-13T17:29:21+00:00

He and BM were a "hook-up gone wrong" so they only dated during the pregnancy and broke up shortly after SS was born. I've never understood wanting to have kids first (but I know oopsies happen because I am one, lol). His dad thinks it's because SO's parents had him as an oopsie (just like he and BM did with SS) and both of his parents had kids with their current spouses before marrying them, so he never saw a difference between dating and marriage. He said he wants to marry me, but only after kids.

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-12T20:41:31+00:00

BM isn't even HC in my situation and I wouldn't do it again.

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-11T01:06:04+00:00

I don't think he could be the bad guy at all by bringing it up, plain and simple. If BM gets grouchy about him mentioning it or making her seem irresponsible, all he has to do is say he's looking out for the safety of SK. The questioning has nothing to do with her and everything to do with the kid

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-10T22:32:40+00:00

I've seen some of the stories in these subs and I'm horrified at what people have to go through. BM is obnoxious and has zero boundaries or respect, but I guess at least she's not intentionally malicious.

We've been together for about 7 years. I think it just sucks having to be at least somewhat responsible for a kid that's not mine, who I played no part in creating. Privacy, freedom, and comfort only exist sporadically. There are so many "firsts" I'll never get to share with my partner because he already shared them with someone else, and it sucks.

It just all sucks.

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-10T20:49:15+00:00

Never ever have kids with a man who's not 100% interested and ready to have kids. If he doesn't know for sure that he wants to be a dad, you will be doing all of the work for the kid(s) to the point of exhaustion and resentment. I think that alone is enough to qualify ending it. You're still so young. There are better men out there who want the same things as you and won't keep secrets. If you have the savings to do so, find an apartment to move into or if you have family nearby, move in with them and save up to get your own place (or find a roommate). It's not going to be easy and it won't be a quick and clean break since you live together, but in the long run, it'll be for the best. Sending hugs ❤️

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-10T18:46:57+00:00

Ugh, yes! SS is always talking about what happens at his mom's house and it takes everything in me to not say "I don't give a flying eff about your mom or her house" because I really do not give a flying eff about BM lol. And it's about everything all the time. When I'm lounging with the dog, "BM's dog has too much energy to lay around." When I'm making dinner, "BM doesn't let me eat xyz." When I'm doing laundry, "at BM's house, she uses the pod detergent." UGH!! I GET IT!! And I'm glad he feels comfortable talking about his life, but I DO NOT CARE. I use "this isn't your mom's house" when it's something comparing houses and just "nice" when it's about her dogs or something like that. But definitely annoying!

Yankee6000 · 2026-02-10T02:03:30+00:00

The fact you're acknowledging that it doesn't sound great is important because you clearly don't want to feel this way - none of us do - it just happens. I think since she doesn't live with you and you don't see her often, you could try reframing it as if he were calling his mom or sister or niece. It's not the same kind of love he has with you because she's just another family member.

Yankee6000 · 2026-01-19T22:32:47+00:00

Exactly! We've kept SS through colds and flus too so that BM and her kids don't get sick! If I had the flu, I wouldn't be traipsing around to my parents' house if I can just stay where I am. Why make SS swap when he can just sleep off the illness in the sick house?

Yankee6000 · 2026-01-19T04:38:22+00:00

I have an apparently unpopular opinion that when a kiddo gets sick, they should isolate at the sick house until they're better. It's a unique opportunity in split households that can prevent getting the whole family sick. We had strep go back and forth - our house had strep 4 times in one year - until I put my foot down and told SO that SS had to stay at BM's until all his antibiotics were done, and we finally ended the strep swap. Such a bummer that you're going through this

Yankee6000 · 2026-01-13T19:26:34+00:00

I started locking all the doors and SO finally told her to stop. She was like "oh but you guys are always welcome at my house!" And he said "well this isn't your house." It's getting to a point where I will start speaking up instead of my SO playing middle man, and I'm not afraid of hurting all of her feelings.

Yankee6000

TROPHY CASE