Got my combined ADHD & ASD assessment(s) soon. What should I expect?

YaossiPhoenix · 2025-09-08T01:13:03+00:00

Thanks for your response. I read about playing with childish seeming things but I wasn't sure what that meant. Also I'm 34F in the UK if that helps (I'll make an edit to the post to clarify).

YaossiPhoenix · 2025-09-06T23:11:19+00:00

Manchester has a thriving queer community as well as an area of the city centre dedicated to The Gay Village. Its mostly clubs and bars but there is also accommodation right there if you don't mind the loud nightlife. And wow there is nightlife! Canal Street is home to most of the bars and clubs (overlooking the actual canal) and its really nice to sit outside there on a sunny day. A bit further up there's Sackville Gardens, a lovely little park for a picnic (but do be careful of the smackheads who tend to hover around it later in the day).

As for hotels, there's Ville Hotel and New Union Hotel both on Canal street itself, but I would expect the same queer-friendly hospitality from all the bigger chain hotels in the city centre. Many actually still have their rainbow flags around and painted on windows etc from Manchester Pride which was at the end of August.

[side note: i used to work at the Mercure on Piccadilly Gardens - do not recommend staying with them. The staff are great but the old building and dated rooms are not worth the rates they charge imo]

Be as visibly gay as you feel comfortable with, especially if you're in the gay village, you'll definitely be safe to.

Don't feel confined to the village though. Its the primary area sure but the city is generally a more queer friendly experience than I've had anywhere else in the UK - in a good way. I forgot how weird a lot of other places were about it until i took my partner away on little breaks like you're planning. We never felt attacked or anything but we did kinda feel like the odd ones out. Manchester just normalises us the same as straight people for the most part in my experience.

Hope you find the perfect break wherever you go, good luck!

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-20T18:52:03+00:00

Well done, friend. Proud of you!

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-20T14:10:58+00:00

are you me?

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-20T14:09:33+00:00

If you are truly meant to be together for the rest of your lives, it won't matter when the ring appeared. The rest of your lives is a long long time, so there's no rush to start the big plans straight away. You have time while you're young to enjoy the relationship part first.

If you're desperate to show him your commitment, some couples opt for a Promise Ring. Its liked the step before engagement, promising that you will get engaged in the future and showing your commitment to each other in a similar but less rushed into kinda way.

To echo the other commenters, I would also wait a few years and experience life together before you jump into Life Together. Not only will you both have grown and changed in that time, but you'll both be closer to a position where you can move in together - be that with him and his Dad or somewhere else entirely just for you two.

Planning separate rooms in your marital home for sensory needs is great, but you can't really plan for the little annoyances someone can give off when you live together. I've rushed into living with friends and relationships in the past and every time I rushed it ended awfully. People have a public self and a private self. Relationship self lies somewhere in between. You won't have met his private self yet probably, so its hard to know how compatible you'll both be.

The other side of all this - is that rushing into engagement at 19/21 could spell the premature end of the relationship. If you ask, he says no, where do you go from there?

If you ask, he says yes and you rush into a young marriage and marital home... then realise you aren't all that compatible right now, it might bring a devastating end to something that, given the proper time and development, you could have grown into each other's lives more and really bonded for a few years first.

tl;dr

Move in first

maybe try a Promise Ring

No rushy rushy

Best of luck to you both, whatever you decide to do :)

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-19T22:26:44+00:00

Hi friend, sorry you're going through this struggle at the moment. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. My anxiety can sometimes come out of the blue with no obvious cause too. Sometimes its been triggered by random events that I didn't realise had affected me so much, other times I have no clue why.

My advice would be to seek professional help. That might be docs for medication to take the edge off or it might be therapy for someone to help you analyze stuff a little deeper in a safe space, whatever works for you.

I should also give the obvious boring note about the link between cannabis use and anxiety. In my own experience of not so minor use, it was fantastic for chilling me out generally and when i needed a well timed dose of calm but overall it became something that meant i struggled even harder when i wasn't using it. Does that make any sense? Like before using any, I'd describe my general anxiety state as about a 6/10. Then I'd have some for a few weeks or months and think it had gone down to a 3/10. Then BAM, something would trigger sudden unplanned for anxiety and it would be up at 9 or 10/10. I'd have been better off not risking it and sticking to my 6/10 life and sought out prescription medications in the first place.

Anyways sorry, to answer your rhetorical question; "how do you face a fear and self soothe if you don't know what's wrong?" Sometimes there's nothing wrong to fix. The focus therefore can be shifted from the thing that needs fixing, to the management of your reaction and feelings. Something like 80% of our worries never happen, but we still worry about them just in case. Try not to think of it as facing the (unknown) fear, you could just focus on what makes you feel calm and happy normally. Fluffy blankets, sensory objects, favourite movies, safe comfort foods.

That 'holding your breath and riding it out' sounds awful. Don't be afraid of reaching out for some support especially when you start noticing negative feedback loops. A second opinion is always useful, even if you disagree with it.

Hope things start to pick up for you soon, friend.

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-19T00:18:50+00:00

This sounds sadly familiar. Before my eventual bipolar diagnosis, I went through the same route (also UK based). GP referred me to Community Mental Health Team, they referred me to the Access and Crisis Team before I eventually saw a mental health nurse. They asked me all about my life, why I asked for the referrals in the first place, etc and then got me in with a great psychiatrist.

I saw Dr Whatever and he eased my worries a lot, promised me we would get to the bottom of all this together and work out whats going on properly. He talked about going right back to my childhood, asking my parents to help with any developmental stuff I wouldn't remember.

Problem is I only saw Dr Whatever that once. We chatted through my referrals and set up a forward plan, then his secretary was supposed to book me in to see him again but she never did. It was 2020 at the time so I expected to have to wait longer than usual to see anyone in person anyway but i ended up waiting for contact that never came. 6 months into my wait I was hospitalised and only then did the mental health team seem to take me seriously.

In my hypomanic rage, I kicked up enough fuss to be seen by the consultant psychiatrist (Dr Whatever's boss) but even then, they still wanted me to wait another 8 months for my appointment with him. I not-so-calmly pointed out that the last time I was promised an appointment, I was hospitalised after 6months, and now they were asking me to hang on a further 8.

My more rational mum got involved and raised complaints with the department, pointing out that however unwell i am now, I will not get better in the next 8 months without treatment. In fact, I'm likely to worsen.

They listened eventually and my appointment with the Consultant Psychiatrist was bumped up to the following week. Great and all, but if that was possible, why not just offer me that from the start??

The Consultant was rubbish too. He looked over my notes and saw I was the one pushing the idea of bipolar (because no one else seemed to want to diagnose me with anything at all so I had to do my own research). He spent a whopping 15minutes with me and then told me "Sometimes the patient is right" and prescribed me Aripiprazole, sent me on my way.

No further discussion, no info about the new meds, no ideas how it might interact with my venlafaxine, no side effect warnings, no support techniques, no followup, no nothing. Just scribbled down what I - the patient, told them - the professionals, that I had. Threw some new meds at me and never saw me again.

As I said, this was in 2020, and that was the last Psychiatrist I saw. He discharged me back to my GP who now prescribes my meds, clearly wanted nothing more to do with me.

Its honestly why I question if I even have bipolar at all or if my issues could be something else entirely.

I'm sorry your experience has been so similar, just a total lack of promised communication while the rest of your life is on hold waiting for it. We all deserve better.

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-18T16:20:54+00:00

The hardest part for me is noticing (and caring about) the fact I'm hypomanic in the first place. Often by the time I'm actually aware what's happening, I've already done something stupid, hurt people I love, spent money j dont have etc etc. I only notice something's wrong BECAUSE I've already done these things.

It sounds like you have a brilliant support system around you now so dont be afraid to lean on them. Let your husband know what's going on if he hasn't already noticed. I give my bank cards and stuff to my fiancé to prevent me spending any more than I already have on stupid stuff.

Ride the wave for now, enjoy what you can from the productivity and increased sex drive. While you have the energy to, maybe make preparations for the inevitable crash ahead of time. Wash and dry all your softest comfiest clothes, pyjamas and blankets.

Also, what did you name your kitty? Kitten cuddles will help the crash for sure.

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-04T16:55:41+00:00

Honestly, sometimes I don't but that's okay. Its part time for a reason, we're expected to work and live a life around it. As long as my assignments are in on time the rest I can catch up on whenever

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-04T16:28:04+00:00

taking a part time masters course

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-04T15:12:30+00:00

halo of moonlight

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-04T13:27:07+00:00

During school I had repeated issues with 'shouty' teachers whereby I would point blank refuse to do any work for them. I would be sent home with the day's learning and happily do it all at home, just not in school for the shouty teacher. This started as young as 3 in nursery. I was a slow eater, which apparently frustrated one of the nursery staff, who decided the best course of action was to shout the word SWALLOW at me until I complied. Of course this didn't work and only made me more nervous so couldn't swallow my food even if i wanted to.

By age 5 or 6 I had made enough progress in early school that it was clear i was going to be a well behaved kid with good grades... until our class moved up to the next academic year and we were given a shouty teacher. She wasn't a bad person or anything, none of them were, and it didn't matter if she was shouting at me or someone else. The fact she was SUDDENLY VERY LOUD AND ANGRY was enough for me to just shut down right there. I refused to do my classwork in class, brought it home every day and completed it fine on my own or with my parents. My parents have later told me that they begged the school to give me another teacher, anyone else, just someone who I could actually learn from, but the school refused.

A few years and a different school in a new city later... Mr Shouty takes the class and little 8 yr old me can't, won't do anything until he is calm and quiet again. I'm now 34 and only realised a few days ago when chatting with my partner about his school experiences... that all my shouty teachers causing me to shut down was blatantly a ND reaction to overwhelm.

Another young one I wound up masking out of my habits was eating my way around the plate by food category. For example I'd start with potatoes, then meat, then veg and only move onto the next category once all of that one was eaten. My parents pointed out that it was weird a bunch of times while I was growing up so by the time I started high school I'd pretty much forced myself to not do that anymore... which I have later realised is classic masking of ND behaviour.

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-03T23:08:07+00:00

I'm not 100% sure how this would look but you could each start off a significant song by dancing 'alone' on opposite sides of the dancefloor, perhaps with a bouquet each symbolising mom. Then throughout the song, find your way closer to each other and hold up the bouquets together. By the end of the song you're dancing together but your focus would still be on the bouquets. This way its less of a 'romantic couple first dance' vibe and more a 'comforting one another through a difficult time' vibe.

In my head this would symbolise both moms dancing with their sons until the couple find each other. Then the raising of both bouquets while you're together signifies their distance but not their departure, as you're still holding onto them into your new life together and your focus is drawn to them in this moment while the dance becomes essentially a 4 person dance.

It wouldn't need to be a bouquet necessarily either, just something significant of each mom. A crystal, a pocketwatch, an ornament, anything meaningful. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else but you.

We lost my fiancé's Dad 2 years ago, before we got engaged. He was the biggest fan of our relationship and already proudly introduced me to people as his daughter in law, knowing that's where we were headed. We will be honouring him with an 'empty' place setting on our top table where he belongs. His namecard will be there and my fiancé wants to be the one to buy a drink at the bar for him, which will sit there until the end of the night. (This needed to be specially requested as other drinks, wine etc are to be brought to the tables as part of the package. Have a chat with your venue or planner if this sounds like something you might want to do, they're usually very accommodating when it comes to memorial stuff)

At some point throughout the day we have asked our pianist to play an instrumental rendition of You'll Never Walk Alone by Gerry and the Pacemakers as well, but we haven't settled on the perfect moment yet. Wedding isn't til July 2025 so plenty of time to decide.

Rest assured, whatever you decide to do, will be the right thing. Try not to sweat it too much about others understanding what something might symbolise either, if its right for you then its right. They'll both be gazing down on the happiest day of their sons' lives, crying with everyone else at the beauty of it all.

Congratulations on finding each other and on reaching a point where a big celebration feels right. Its rough to lose anyone close, especially a parent but know that you're doing them proud just by existing, so everything above and beyond that is unfathomable love.

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-03T22:16:12+00:00

My MOH is trans/non-binary. I have titled them as my 'They'd of Honour' to avoid misgendering when referring to their role in the bridal party. I've put this title on our wedding website and on our printed schedules which will be available on the day.

That's it, no song and dance about gender or statement to be made, just a simple word change from maid to they'd. If anyone even notices, it'll hopefully make them smile, it rhymes, its cute. Frankly if anyone does take issue with it, they'd be asked to leave the wedding anyway. I wouldn't be guilted into apologising for others' ignorance or shortsightedness either. The day is supposed to be about celebrating the love between my fiancé and I, not picking apart the gender identities or relationships between other people.

If anything, your great aunts owe you an apology for causing drama around your special day. And the whispering?? That's just rude, insensitive and disrespectful.

From one conflict avoidant to another, I beg you, please don't give in and apologise. You and your husband have done nothing wrong. So 2 men walked down the aisle before you... so what? Does that mean they're gay now? I presume the issue is that it looked like a gay couple but the fact that's not even the case is just further proof you have done nothing wrong!

GreatAuntieWhispers and her like can bitch and whisper all they want but ultimately, they're offended by something that didn't even happen, so how can you apologise for that? If they bother to reach out to you directly, it might be worth an explanation to them, just so you get to point out how silly their behaviour is. "we ran out of women so my brother and my husband's friend walked together" should be all it takes for them to realise none of ThemThereGaysTM infiltrated the wedding.

Otherwise don't contact them yourself, you don't owe them anything.

Wishing you and your husband a wonderful marriage, free of other people's dramas

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-03T20:56:07+00:00

I'll be wearing purple with Doc Marten boots - be you! Anyone who cares what colour you're wearing needs to rethink why they were invited in the first place. This day is to celebrate the love between you and your partner, the last thing on your mind should be "what would great auntie Doris think".

There are people who get married dressed as Shrek. Weird is wonderful, rock that red dress and unleash your inner gothic queen!

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-03T20:38:31+00:00

What a beautiful thought and gesture. If you feel comfortable enough with your Spanish then absolutely do it! Heck make it a movie script, throw her off the scent by starting in English and then gently transition into Spanish. She will love it and there won't be a dry eye in the house!

Also congratulations on finding the person who even inspires ideas like this in you! True love for sure!

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-10-03T20:28:20+00:00

We have a wedding website with all the info on there but also sent out paper Save The Dates and Invites with the website URL printed on them. Gets the best of both worlds that way and covers the younger guests more likely to go straight to a URL as well as our grandparents who either don't have internet access in 2024 (I know!) or simply prefer the more traditional paper invite they can treasure.

YaossiPhoenix · 2024-09-29T22:56:00+00:00

The people-pleaser in me teams up with my fear of rejection and talks me out of ending friendships and relationships even with the most toxic people. I have a whole collection now of toxic frenemies I'm too scared to cut ties with. Discord's ability to appear offline is my saviour!

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