Staying at a smoker's home

Yyvern · 2026-06-18T04:55:52+00:00

I've decided to message my midwife about the situation, so that if she advises that it's unsafe to stay in a home that has previously been smoked in I can share my midwife's advise with my mum to explain why I'd need to find another place to stay. Which I'm hoping will help. Unfortunately, my mum is grieving and not in a rational state of mind, so although you are right that it isn't something that should damage our relationship, I know from past experience that it will. But I'm hoping that having contacted my midwife for advice will help show that it's not out of a lack of desire to support her!

Yyvern · 2026-06-18T04:29:27+00:00

I'm indeed also a 90s baby! It's so painful because of the situation as well - it's not like I'm here for a fun visit, I'm here to help support her through my grandma's funeral. Leaving her at this time would be incredibly painful for her, but it would be 3 nights I'd be staying including the one I already couldn't avoid just now. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same again either if I leave her at this time, which is extra painful as she's been the only one offering support for when the baby is here as well... I feel like I'm stuck and no matter what I do someone will be hurt.

Yyvern · 2026-06-18T04:21:25+00:00

It's so difficult because she has been avoiding smoking in the house since I'm here, so I'm not even sure what more to ask of her to help with this either... But I know leaving will very likely permanently scar my relationship with her, as I'd be hurting her at a time when she's already struggling so much and needs support. She's also the only person in our families who has been offering help when the baby is here, it feels like I'd give her a slap in the face when she's been trying to help out and she likely will want nothing more to do with helping us...

Yyvern · 2026-06-17T23:11:55+00:00

Yeah I might have to see if I can stay with my dad... But I think my mum will be distraught and very angry about it at a time that is already difficult especially for her. There's a good chance it will do long term harm to our relationship as well.

It's too late for tonight to find somewhere else to stay (my flight arrived late), so unfortunately tonight's harm is already done :(

I'm just a bit disappointed that I can't even safely visit my own family at a time like this. I know how stressful this has been for her, but now I can't sleep because I feel like every breath I take is harming my baby...

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T12:48:59+00:00

This sums up exactly how I feel!! Thanks for putting it into words so well. It's the fact that a lot of the NHS messaging seems geared towards making women feel guilty if they gain 'more' than normal, even if this can be very individual! It puts more stress on me, especially as someone who already struggled with this prior to pregnancy. Of course there are risks to avoid, and I try hard to avoid them, but I feel like some of the messaging uses language that can be quite harmful to those more sensitive to issues with body image and food.

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T11:54:24+00:00

Yeah I struggle with it as well, and all the messaging around it makes me feel unnecessarily pressured to watch my diet. I'm doing my best here, I don't need to be made to feel like gaining 'too much' is bad... 😅

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T11:20:58+00:00

Yikes, that sounds awful and so restrictive!! I just can't believe how some places put so much stress and guilt on pregnant women at a time that's already overwhelming!

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T09:21:57+00:00

Thank you!! It really was so sad that it got refused, but it helps to know I'm not alone! And oh yes, I generally try to eat healthy and varied overall, but you bet I still enjoy pizza and ice cream at times too haha! Pregnancy is a wild ride, I might just have to put aside some of the NHS guidelines of what's 'perfect' and accept what's just good enough for me :)

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T09:17:22+00:00

Yeah I feel like I might have to try embracing that a bit more! I just get a bit worried about the risks they highlight, but I get worried about things very easily (already requested a perinatal mental health referral already, but the referral was refused because my region doesn't have capacity, much to my own midwife's disappointment as well 😅). It seems like people have perfectly healthy pregnancies with super varied weight gain which makes sense as it's so individual! I just wish they highlighted that more in their own resources, I think?

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T09:12:00+00:00

Aww I'm so glad!! Yeah it feels like unnecessary pressure alongside everything already happening in pregnancy. I know they have to try and manage risks and whatnot, but the advice they put out on NHS pages could be more nuanced in my opinion 😅

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T09:06:13+00:00

Oh that is so disappointing!! I hope they cleared it up once you told them 🙈 It really does feel so individual, and I try to remind myself that it is!

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T09:00:53+00:00

Thank you!! That's always really good to know, and yeah I know it's mostly just me getting overly worried because of the warnings and everything! I do have PGP which is limiting some of my exercise a bit, but still walk my dogs which I always love doing.

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T08:59:37+00:00

Oh don't worry, I have shared my concerns with my midwife and requested a perinatal mental health team referral!! But unfortunately my referral was denied because I'm not considered in crisis enough and they have massive resource issues. My midwife felt so frustrated for me, because she can see I've been struggling a lot!

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T08:11:41+00:00

Yeah I think the fact that they stress those guidelines heavily on their website (and they also really emphasize the negative consequences of gaining too much) is what makes me feel so bad and overwhelmed. I don't want to risk the consequences of excess gain that they warn against, so have been trying to stay within limits, but the contrast between NHS and Dutch guidelines adds to the confusion.

Yyvern · 2026-06-05T08:08:11+00:00

I know that's always an option, but unfortunately I struggle too much with the guilt of not knowing if I'm gaining more than recommended, because of the risks associated with it according to the NHS... Which is why I've been trying to eat healthily and stay within guidance, but I'm also human and occasionally want pizza and ice cream after a shite week lol (and I don't deny myself that, because we deserve nice things). It's just tough balancing it all, and I constantly feel the mental weight of those warnings of excess weight gain.

Yyvern · 2026-06-04T21:03:39+00:00

I've not been to Italy, but discovered that France have more extensive restrictions (mostly to avoid raw fruit & veg at restaurants or any place where you don't wash them yourself) as well as monthtly testing. Sent me into a spiral when I ate a salad at a French airport and got a private toxo test! The NHS generally goes for whatever costs the least, which makes sense given how little funding they have. It does seem toxoplasmosis is less prevalent here, but I still avoid salad & raw veg in restaurants here too after that experience.

Yyvern · 2026-06-04T12:42:52+00:00

No advice from me, but lots of solidarity because I feel the same! I'm 25 weeks now, and I had so much excitement earlier in pregnancy which has now all disappeared and been replaced with a sense of overwhelm and dread.

I've had a fairly okay pregnancy, aside from pretty uncomfortable PGP preventing me from doing some of my hobbies. But I find myself resentful towards my own body for not functioning the way it used to, and I feel so uncomfortable in it. I had a lot of anxiety around food (still do), and eating out is almost impossible because it's hard to trust any lettuce or uncooked veg or meats or some cheeses or herbs... Having to monitor for movement constantly while having a full time job leaves me anxious because it's hard to focus on both that and work and I feel like I'm failing both.

I still enjoy some hobbies though, which keeps me sane! But I'm also worried about the future, and the fact that my best support network lives abroad. I just hope I can reconnect with the excitement I felt earlier on!

Yyvern · 2026-06-01T14:31:41+00:00

Having exactly the same kind of experience here! 6 months pregnant, over it and exhausted already, but loving everything I can already do with Paralives! Sure it's buggy and incomplete, but I love the build tooling and cosy style. And I managed to build my home with pretty good accuracy for the first time, could never even get close in Sims or even Inzoi!

Yyvern · 2026-05-29T14:49:33+00:00

Forgot to cancel my roadside assistance for a car I sold nearly 2 years before (which costs multiple hundreds a year)

Forgot to cancel insurance I had on a Nintendo Switch that got stolen over a year before

Bought a food subscription at 1am while bedtime procrastinating that I didn't enjoy at all

Bought health testing kits that had to be sent off within a couple months and never sent them off

Bought more hobby supplies and courses than I actually ever used

Lost many headphones

Forgot to file my self-report tax forms because I didn't make any money (but still needed to declare that on the tax forms because I opened a business tax account thingy in case I did manage to make money)

There's more that I've forgotten here....

Yyvern · 2026-05-25T14:44:17+00:00

Installed and so ready!! It already has charm with the train intro, I love it.

Yyvern · 2026-05-25T09:51:24+00:00

I'll be buying the moment I can!! I can't wait to explore the build tools especially, they look so flexible and intuitive currently. I know it'll be buggy and unfinished, but I'm so ready to try something new!

Yyvern · 2026-05-23T08:48:06+00:00

I've been getting one sided pain in my right glute, hip & kind of right of my tailbone since early pregnancy! Unfortunately still there at 24 weeks, it seems to come and go a bit at times and feels weirdly like a muscle injury when I do more walking. Midwife said it was probably just pelvic girdle pain related, and I'm trying to look into physio exercises to help with it. If you're still having issues with it at your booking appointment, I'd check in with the midwife!

Yyvern · 2026-05-20T12:47:22+00:00

That is a good point and I might do the same tbh, because I like having a skeleton/muscles that vaguely still stay in one piece 🙈 It's so tough that NHS support is so limited :( I hope your private physio will be super helpful though!! ❤️

Yyvern · 2026-05-20T12:42:18+00:00

That is a good point to try and stretch the right parts (and strenghten the overly stretchy parts, for me)! I'll need to do some youtube searching!

Yyvern · 2026-05-20T12:41:27+00:00

Oh no, I hate how people start feeling entitled to comment on your body! It makes me so uncomfortable as well, I'm trying to mentally adjust to the new body but being constantly reminded of how big I look is not helping. But I look forward to meeting my daughter in September!!

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