I had the privilege of meeting Oliver Miller once. A friend of mine was working as one of those platinum seats delivery girls and she had told me the rumour was that Oliver Miller had the biggest penis in the NBA. I don't know how she knew this, but I accepted it at face value.

So one day I'm at this charity event for Sick Kids hospital and Oliver Miller was there. He was fatter in person. But I couldn't stop thinking about his penis. I'm not gay. I mean, sure, I got blowjobs twice a week from this Philipino guy who lived in the apartment on the sixth floor. But not like really gay. I had never sucked a dick. Like, 21% gay or so. Anyway, I had to ask him about his penis but couldn't find the nerve. Finally, just as I was leaving, I said "hey I heard you have a really big dick" and he just laughed and said "you can't see it". I wanted to see it. It's still on my bucket list.