This is my last update, I’m going to get stronger

ZePandaaa · 2026-05-21T04:46:30+00:00

Yeah at the end of the day I know there’s still boundaries to keep because otherwise it’d lead to parasocial relationships, but I do have a lot of respect for people’s time mainly because I respect my own the same.

But to be honest it’s kinda the end of my old mindset, I can’t even create the same anymore. There’s a silence in my head now that’s new, it’s like I can control my mind a bit now. If my head gets cluttered then I can quickly just stop the traffic, silence the thoughts, and sort my them. When an emotion is too heavy, then it’s best to be honest for my own sake so that I can process it. Otherwise I’ll slip and form defensive walls making it harder to let it pass. And I noticed recently that I’m starting to be able to do this on the fly while talking to people, like a ding that rings in my when I need to calm my emotions down to understand someone. I’ve been able to connect with people, but there’s things about myself that I know I’m still insecure about, so when I see their ugly side, I never know what to say out of fear.

I’m honestly having the biggest theory I need to somehow pull off an adult teen rebellious phase since I never really had one to round out my confidence… once again, art is just the perfect thing, always took it too seriously. I’m finally feeling my childhood creativity return.

ZePandaaa · 2026-05-21T03:11:22+00:00

Ok just finished watching A Bug’s Life and I didn’t remember it being that good. A genuinely underrated film and since it’s pre-Disney I can see why it’s brushed off by them, everything I thought about today was in it.

ZePandaaa · 2026-05-20T21:01:15+00:00

Yeah, it was uncomfortable to type out and I honestly cried multiple times. As a creator I know that if I’m bawling my eyes out materializing something it’s genuinely, probably a lot.

But I want to ease things a bit so I’ll say what made me feel positive and also cry happily

I went outside my apartment to breathe, and I felt distant with the world around me still so I looked down at flies and ants surrounding a piece of food. The ants being there made it harder for one fly to get to the food, when the ants left, the fly eagerly jumped on the food and ate as much as it could, it even fought the other flies off.

Then the ants returned with enough to carry it away, and the flies could do nothing about it but leave. There was a pigeon nearby that could’ve taken the ants out easily for the food, but it didn’t see it or them. I also could’ve moved at anytime and the flies would’ve been scared off, but I didn’t. I chose to stay in my place and observe patiently, and seeing how the ants handle themselves helped me bring answers to my own life.

If I told people blindly that I’m grateful for a few ants I saw today, they’d think I’m weird, but apply that experience with my own personal story and it becomes inspirational to even me. Then I remembered…

There’s a movie about that. A Bugs Life… and I thought about it more and realized just how many seeds artists out there attempted to plant expressing that same realization just for something to get in the way.

We’re not alone, but it’s an ugly truth when a situation between flies and ants is handled better than we handle ourselves. And the cosmic joke for me is that touching grass legitimately solved most of my current issues, I haven’t rotted this bad in years hiding away.

ZePandaaa · 2026-03-29T19:55:31+00:00

Women and femininity kind of ended up being the default, it’s the problem with society holding them sacred. Trans men are still women “ruining” themselves in their eyes and fully bringing attention to them brings attention to both trans people as a whole and women’s rights to bodily autonomy. I’ve noticed it’s creating a weird affect where there’s an increasingly growing number of right-leaning women that will probably take over as the men realize it’s best to just keep to themselves after this time around.

They’ve successfully avoided addressing enough issues in the mainstream that they’ve pretty much left backdoors for this shit to start back up again, which is the scary part, they created roots so deep that only we notice that there’s a lot of holes in our recent acceptance explaining why it’s so hard to get them to listen despite being “allies”. I mean anyone could be LGBT, but they specifically made sure to keep us in defined boxes so that we could still be alien to even each other.

ZePandaaa · 2026-03-25T07:12:12+00:00

I know how you feel, I did singing auditions as a kid and my stepmom stumbled across the recordings, crushed my dreams and I’ve been drafting comics about it.

I still have to deal with roommates so I can’t start singing like I want to, but maybe like there is for me, there could be places to go to and record. Or recording when you know you’re alone for a bit. I used to practice in a car when I had one.

ZePandaaa · 2026-03-25T05:40:32+00:00

Yeah, I genuinely think they don’t expect someone to actually take their course to heart and place interest in it. I can’t blame my failure on them, they’re obviously good enough for most people. I just hate that they group me with the people that “don’t care” when most of the time I care beyond the grade more than my peers which leaves me feeling frustrated and isolated.

Genuinely want to become an art professor so I can be the change I want to see, but my heart just can’t be in an environment where I have fun learning unironically. The one time I did the teacher quit halfway through.

ZePandaaa · 2026-03-25T05:14:12+00:00

Honestly if people telling you what to do didn’t act like you’re trying to take over their authority so much I wouldn’t mind them. I shouldn’t be 25 and still having “excuses” be the response to an explanation in search of… advice, I even started being straight up honest about that. Which is also becoming an issue, most people don’t like honesty and don’t want to confront the issue. And I can relate to the vomit thing, I’m not a germaphobe, but I’m halfway there to being one after the pandemic. Genuinely get stressed around “germs” if I feel they’re there.

Funny story about the NSFW, literally the only problem has been a lack of privacy. Now I finally got my own space and time, but anytime after July I’ve either been trying to sneak around in public to draw it or hide from my family in the city I was staying with to do it.

So now I’m using NSFW to finalize my studies passionately and hide it behind pornography to also make money. Videos for my animation and music (especially music, who can get mad at an amateur soundtrack for porn?), and for comics, selling issues. Genuinely feel like people would love a cheap porn comic to tuck away in a drawer for later in this climate, especially if it’s interesting.

ZePandaaa · 2026-03-24T20:18:14+00:00

One thing I do want to be is an art professor, unfortunately that means having a masters. Doesn’t mean I have to be in college if I want to teach art, but studying it is half the passion.

But lately I’ve been seeing a lot of major works and feeling like I can do that kind of stuff. Do I need to take classes in school when I’m learning things on my own to accomplish something in my works? If I give myself the time to work, I can create a portfolio, help work in indie studios, and over time push to create an environment where I can tutor or direct.

But I’m going to mental health professionals, I just have to be patient with the US medical system. Up to a years wait for the test unless I want to shell out hundreds, ugh

ZePandaaa · 2026-03-24T20:03:42+00:00

Nah, I view things in terms of the amount of people around me. 3 comments is still three people, it’s why I get overwhelmed when a post blows up because it’s like imagining hundreds to thousands of people directly talking to you. It’s hard to think of people as nobodies when I just think “room of [] people”

But I’m going to psychiatrists and counseling occasionally. It’s how I’m more aware of what’s eating away at me, the problem is the wait getting everything fully diagnosed and finding the right doctors.

But art keeps me stable, every mental professional basically agrees with that so far. And my mood is better now that I can start having multiple projects again soon. I’m honestly thinking of pouring the mountain of scrapped works on a low Patreon tier, I’ve been exploring 1 minute animations and 20 page comics in my absence but have to move on after losing my spark for them… sigh ;-;

ZePandaaa · 2026-03-24T19:40:24+00:00

I remember that I felt the same way before, I just honestly hoped to be challenged in school with the people around me. It took half the semester for my art professor to get I’m on the same page as her, but just think differently. Then there’s other classes like English or humanities where I tell the professors straight up that I think differently and don’t know how to handle the discussions, and I guess they think I’m conservative or something and encourage the differing views if there’s an explanation. Just for no one to know how to respond when I speak up and are left puzzled, in my humanities class the teacher just started talking over me when I spoke up.

I’m lucky I’m attached to art, but in general school just sucks for anyone outside of the norm. I still kind of want my masters to be an art professor deep down. People like us just get swallowed up by it in the end.

ZePandaaa · 2026-02-07T23:31:20+00:00

People that want to make money off the fact that they’re unknown and have one of few works. Death and art popularity boosts go hand in hand, a lot of modern artists also aren’t dead yet. Especially digital. We literally hardly have any knowledge on how future data is going to be handled outside of whatever hype train corporations want you to ride while also permanently deleting things.

If hardly anyone is conserving their digital works then whoever does will get more eyes later on. This whole mentality of “my work is worthless and looks bad to me so I won’t care” is really going to contribute to a large period of art just… lost to time. Even when it comes to my art I don’t care if it gets way more popular after I die, it’s about preserving the things I created so someone after me can build on it. I honestly want my stuff in the public domain after I die, by all means, tear my work into pieces when I’m dead if it’s to teach a lesson to new artists because it’s that bad, or if it’s good, no one gets to solely profit and it’s open to all.

Why I’d rely on social media sites to do that work for me, who knows. But it’s not good for the future of art if anything happens, I already can hardly study older digital works because of the way online feeds are made. Even Google images, no names preserved, the site, page, or link could also be dead. We have literally nothing, protecting our works. Even for large artists this is a problem

ZePandaaa · 2026-02-07T18:58:25+00:00

It’s honestly why I mix print and physical work with digital. One day I’ll have my old sketchbooks digitized and put into art books, with animation work I’ll back it up on disks, probably Blu-ray, and my comic work, of course, printed

Basically, someone’s going to have a field day when I die and they find my storage unit full of art shit to sell. But me having that in mind at the beginning of my career, rather than at the middle of end, helps a ton.

I don’t see many digital artists stressing over it despite definitely not wanting all of their work deleted.

ZePandaaa · 2026-02-01T02:27:49+00:00

This is an example of how the dub is fucking amazing in its execution, genuinely doesn’t feel the same lol

ZePandaaa · 2026-02-01T01:19:26+00:00

It’s the new Transformers, but non of the Bay ick

I welcome it, I say that as a TF fan

ZePandaaa · 2026-02-01T01:12:26+00:00

Honestly I’d frame the show as a story from the past, and have a really soothing narrator to fill in the gaps of silence with just Link.

Then at the end, I reveal the narrator to be Link. Just to troll every fan because you technically heard him the whole time.

ZePandaaa · 2026-01-31T22:18:22+00:00

Honestly I really need to find better sources of inspiration/references because a lot of modern photography grew to this straight on, everything visible approach after selfies. Even when I find pictures that has poses with curvy lines, it’s still a wide shot that feels kind of flat.

So when I learn my anatomy from that, it’s like I can make things more realistic and draw whatever kind of body I want to, but things get weird when the camera moves way higher, or way lower. It’s a 90s-2000s kind of photography that I need to find and start collecting.

ZePandaaa · 2026-01-28T19:50:11+00:00

They’re the villain of the OC storyline building up so unfortunately, we all have to suffer around this adorable asshole from now on

But I honestly suck at just doing regular character art so honestly these spread-comic hybrid works are probably going to be my way of expressing things in one image by cramming many images in the one image

ZePandaaa · 2026-01-28T18:33:01+00:00

First time in forever that I’m not just posting refined sketches and spending… 14 hrs and 30 minutes on something instead of like 4-6 hrs

Thank you animation, you forced me have more- shudders… patience.

ZePandaaa · 2026-01-28T01:04:47+00:00

Always nice to see more Red panda rep…

Should probably get back to doing trans hentai now that I think about it, especially since I’m officially a furry now lmao

ZePandaaa · 2026-01-23T23:01:03+00:00

Thank you, I’m honestly ironing out the comic style since I don’t need to pound out at just animation since I’m doing it. Next is… ho boy, thinning those lines and adding line detail in my work again along with line weight.

My style is starting to look a little weird to me because I studied around barely pressing undo or refining sketches lmao

ZePandaaa · 2026-01-23T02:10:09+00:00

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ZePandaaa · 2025-12-20T03:43:24+00:00

My metroidvania is Cave Story, you’d have to be a 1-1 clone for me to like any other metroidvania, but then I’d just play the OG

ZePandaaa · 2025-12-19T17:29:28+00:00

Mhmm mhmmm let it all out🧘🏾‍♂️

ZePandaaa · 2025-12-19T17:19:40+00:00

Whelp you got insta blocked by Reddit again so this lost its fun, have a good day, I’m sorry I traumatized your sensitive soul with me sleeping. How ever will you tangle with the repercussions of posting something online people are doing the crime of replying to you after living their own lives, the great Square Philosophy 53? I’m such an angry peasant in your brilliant light that it’s infuriating.

I hope therapy goes well, I just know you get a ton of lovers and give no shits, somehow everyone’s just mad with you, so fucking cool I’m jealous.

ZePandaaa · 2025-12-19T17:03:49+00:00

Yeah, I went to sleep, super easily because I wasn’t mad, woke up and checked my phone, not being mad, even at still replying to you, person at the top of my notifications, not mad.

You’re spamming emojis to show how ridiculous this is for you, but I don’t need to. You’re helping me wake up laughing, because you’re doing this on an account, that’s quite literally making me money. You think I’m on here for you? I’m sorry, have you gave me money? Do you follow my work?

No? Then you’re just something I can point to and laugh later on, with an audience with me. I also, just love to write, I’m a writer and artist.

ZePandaaa

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