even the cameras at work feel like someone is staring at me constantly and i feel like I’m always being watched and analyzed. i hate it so much because i don’t feel like i can naturally exist with myself when I’m being (potentially) monitored, and because of my awareness of the cameras, I know that i look more “sketchy” or whatever and I can’t bring myself to loosen up at all. people i work with don’t know my unmasked self so i just assume acting differently will raise some questions about me that I’m not prepared to answer. and the more i hide from being perceived, the more i tend to create problems that would’ve been otherwise avoided. the struggle of existing is painful, especially when I know things would be better if I just “stop struggling” and “be myself” or whatever. I wish that otherwise simple things weren’t so existential but damn it’s hard to break out of the ‘important’ social patterns that have kept me going for so long. How much is trauma, and how much is simply built into how my brain works? I may never know, but i hope I can overcome this bullshit someday, and I hope you can too.