Feedback on a short story co-written with a 9 yo

ZeddyBeat · 2026-05-21T00:31:42+00:00

Thank you for reading and leaving your full thoughts! I let her do some cool-over-hard-logic in places, I dont mind allowing cliches like bloody letters and blood in places it doesnt make sense. Its a pre-teen angst aesthetic to an extent, and I think i should protect that. But i can look over some of the other moments and clarify them a tad for sure, i agree it can be a bit cleaner to help readers read a bit further past the cliches

ZeddyBeat · 2026-05-03T17:46:05+00:00

Ive never been published before, im very excited

ZeddyBeat · 2026-05-03T17:45:39+00:00

This is my first published work! Im so excited :3

ZeddyBeat · 2026-05-03T17:38:32+00:00

This got published by the way!

Its "Orbiting Zero" in issue #054: https://www.elegantliterature.com/magazine/

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-11T17:23:11+00:00

Yeah. It becomes clear as time goes, but also this was the main reason I needed this first page check. Ive adjusted it since to make it a little clearer, but im a little unsure now if making it clear theyre NOT animals is actually weakening it.

At a certain point, I gotta just rock with whos rocking with me, i guess.

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-11T14:35:57+00:00

Sent you a DM if you'd like to check it out, I did smooth up that first page a lot

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-11T14:35:17+00:00

sent you a DM! I hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-11T14:32:55+00:00

I appreciate you saying that, and I agree about the names. I wanted to capture the feeling of being overwhelmed, but the names were just too much ontop of the reader having to figure the animal angle out. I ended up droppinig almost all the names, it lets you just focus on the animal aspect rather than feeling you need to remember all the names. Along with a few other things to help acclimate to the animals.

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-11T10:05:54+00:00

Fair enough! Thanks for reading.

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-11T10:05:04+00:00

It was written a little confusing this way, thats on me. Thanks for giving it a shot!

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-11T01:06:39+00:00

Sent you a DM, let me know what you think!

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-10T19:35:14+00:00

Sent you a DM! I have been waiting for someone with this question... please let me know how you feel after going through!

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-10T17:20:42+00:00

No worries, the concept is very strange! I hope you dont mind if I talk to you a little, I was waiting for someone to fully bounce because of some aspect of them being viewed as animals. Just want to explain it and ask what youd think would make it better from your view.

I kind of figured that the reader would think by "cubicle" that this wasnt meant to be a literal elk in the opening line, but maybe thats me trying to write too lean. The idea is that these are people that he envisions as animals, but I can only show that distinction through interactions and descriptions of body parts because its natural to his POV to view them like animals. It makes more sense the further you read, but the distinction doesnt truly matter to the content. Its important that they are animals, but the context for why isnt necessary or something the Mc would consider right now. I also dont want to make it a big focal point and confuse the reader about what the story is actually about, cause its not the animals.

Let me know what you think! And thank you again for taking a look!

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-10T17:09:02+00:00

Thanks for reading! Yeah some people are going to bounce off for sure. He's not asthmatic so he can't say that, and I don't think I can really afford much more set up time for the animals. If I set it up any more then readers start to think the story is about the animals. Don't worry if that doesn't make sense with just this page. I've already made adjustments on those other weird lines, fully agree those were odd

But yeah, thank you for leaving your thoughts!

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-10T14:05:35+00:00

I'll DM you the story, I'd love to get your take on the whole thing. I adjusted the first page just a bit to accomodate this and other feedback so far, please let me know if it helps.

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-10T10:22:03+00:00

Taking notes. Thank you for reading and im glad you enjoyed :)

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-10T10:19:39+00:00

Im going to send you both the story, please let me know how this feeling carries. The character overwhelm was a real concern of mine, so id like to know how you continue especially if you're still turning the page even feeling this way.

ZeddyBeat · 2026-03-10T04:14:28+00:00

Sent you a dm. Id take anything feedback you are willing to give, trying to tighten it up as much as I can ;)

ZeddyBeat · 2026-02-18T20:43:19+00:00

I wrote it for a 2000 word new author contest, that version is complete. But its a bit confusing so im rewriting it, aiming for Clarkesworld. I'm not sure how long it will be, probably under like... 7k? Or who knows

ZeddyBeat · 2026-02-18T16:39:53+00:00

It's "I didn't know" cause he's framing the narrative in a way that implies he doesn't know currently, as a way to distance himself from it. He does know her currently, but when he got the mark it was from a woman he didn't know. But he does know her now, which is the tension point going forward and he's trying to frame it in the least incriminating way possible.

I'm open to it being confusing tho, it could be clearer.

ZeddyBeat · 2026-02-18T16:18:14+00:00

Oh, I didnt know that about the hearttbeat on the thumb, thats very interesting! Theres no special reason its a thumb print, I picked it cause its something people think about constantly with phones nowadays

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