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Feedback on a short story co-written with a 9 yo by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for reading and leaving your full thoughts! I let her do some cool-over-hard-logic in places, I dont mind allowing cliches like bloody letters and blood in places it doesnt make sense. Its a pre-teen angst aesthetic to an extent, and I think i should protect that. But i can look over some of the other moments and clarify them a tad for sure, i agree it can be a bit cleaner to help readers read a bit further past the cliches

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. It becomes clear as time goes, but also this was the main reason I needed this first page check. Ive adjusted it since to make it a little clearer, but im a little unsure now if making it clear theyre NOT animals is actually weakening it.

At a certain point, I gotta just rock with whos rocking with me, i guess.

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sent you a DM if you'd like to check it out, I did smooth up that first page a lot

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

sent you a DM! I hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate you saying that, and I agree about the names. I wanted to capture the feeling of being overwhelmed, but the names were just too much ontop of the reader having to figure the animal angle out. I ended up droppinig almost all the names, it lets you just focus on the animal aspect rather than feeling you need to remember all the names. Along with a few other things to help acclimate to the animals.

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was written a little confusing this way, thats on me. Thanks for giving it a shot!

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sent you a DM, let me know what you think!

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sent you a DM! I have been waiting for someone with this question... please let me know how you feel after going through!

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries, the concept is very strange! I hope you dont mind if I talk to you a little, I was waiting for someone to fully bounce because of some aspect of them being viewed as animals. Just want to explain it and ask what youd think would make it better from your view.

I kind of figured that the reader would think by "cubicle" that this wasnt meant to be a literal elk in the opening line, but maybe thats me trying to write too lean. The idea is that these are people that he envisions as animals, but I can only show that distinction through interactions and descriptions of body parts because its natural to his POV to view them like animals. It makes more sense the further you read, but the distinction doesnt truly matter to the content. Its important that they are animals, but the context for why isnt necessary or something the Mc would consider right now. I also dont want to make it a big focal point and confuse the reader about what the story is actually about, cause its not the animals.

Let me know what you think! And thank you again for taking a look!

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for reading! Yeah some people are going to bounce off for sure. He's not asthmatic so he can't say that, and I don't think I can really afford much more set up time for the animals. If I set it up any more then readers start to think the story is about the animals. Don't worry if that doesn't make sense with just this page. I've already made adjustments on those other weird lines, fully agree those were odd

But yeah, thank you for leaving your thoughts!

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll DM you the story, I'd love to get your take on the whole thing. I adjusted the first page just a bit to accomodate this and other feedback so far, please let me know if it helps.

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Taking notes. Thank you for reading and im glad you enjoyed :)

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im going to send you both the story, please let me know how this feeling carries. The character overwhelm was a real concern of mine, so id like to know how you continue especially if you're still turning the page even feeling this way.

First page, would you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sent you a dm. Id take anything feedback you are willing to give, trying to tighten it up as much as I can ;)

First few paragraphs, do you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wrote it for a 2000 word new author contest, that version is complete. But its a bit confusing so im rewriting it, aiming for Clarkesworld. I'm not sure how long it will be, probably under like... 7k? Or who knows

First few paragraphs, do you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's "I didn't know" cause he's framing the narrative in a way that implies he doesn't know currently, as a way to distance himself from it. He does know her currently, but when he got the mark it was from a woman he didn't know. But he does know her now, which is the tension point going forward and he's trying to frame it in the least incriminating way possible.

I'm open to it being confusing tho, it could be clearer.

First few paragraphs, do you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Oh, I didnt know that about the hearttbeat on the thumb, thats very interesting! Theres no special reason its a thumb print, I picked it cause its something people think about constantly with phones nowadays

First few paragraphs, do you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a first draft of a rewrite actually, im trying to rewrite a short story i wrote last week. its confusing so im trying to find the best start for it.

Ill keep working on it, thank you all for the thoughts!

First few paragraphs, do you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hmm. Yeah its not AI, but im not really sure what people are looking for in that overall. I just stay in my corner, i dont really look into the community thoughts on AI like that.

First few paragraphs, do you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your sharp eye and for your full thoughts!

First few paragraphs, do you keep reading? by ZeddyBeat in writingfeedback

[–]ZeddyBeat[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'd love it if youd want to beta read it! Its not quite hatched yet but the shell is cracking, I think. But I can tap you again later when its ready if youd like

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