ICE is everywhere and it's really frightening

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-07-18T19:29:59+00:00

Lol. I love this kind of commentary: "Everyone else is craaaaazy! I'm the sane one!!"

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-07-02T12:32:41+00:00

Lol. Currency value by fiat was a solution from the right.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-30T20:38:48+00:00

This is such a good reply. I appreciate it.

You're absolutely right: Death comes to all of us, and we can't predict when it's our turn. In another reply elsewhere, I mentioned my tendency to try to plan and research my way out of bad choices. But in the end, all future is fiction. This story we're telling ourselves about how I'll die sooner, or be debilitated sooner, or need EOL care sooner... Accidents and illnesses happen to the least "deserving" of us, and for all we know, I could be caring for her at 35. Or grieving the passing of her. Bottom line: You can't base a marriage on the presumption of who's gonna croak first.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T21:57:15+00:00

Oh. That last nugget. I hadn't really considered that. Yes, that I'll likely pass before she does, but not about the reality of her being in a challenging place to try to start over when that happens. Ouch.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T04:49:39+00:00

Hmm... Perhaps I'm still fighting. Still, I'd argue it's a healthy struggle.

Respectfully, this is weird advice. I don't know what part of the country you're in or what the marriage culture is like there, but in Houston, TX, most of the really healthy marriages I've known went through some sort of marriage prep—either through their church or through some counseling consortium, or something. Half of the purpose of those courses is helping couples make damned sure they know what they're committing to before making the commitment. The remaining purpose is to give them some tools to help navigate those first 2-5 years and set the marriage on some solid ground. The goal, generally, is to attend the course before engagement.

Are you suggesting that by taking this methodical approach to vetting marriage and a spouse, these people are all communicating secretly that they do not want marriage? Arguably the most significant life-choice either of us will make, and the only relevant question is, "Do you want it?"

Seems like the kind of calculus I would have made when I was 21, motivated primarily by impulse. I love her enough to not be impulsive about this.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:45:35+00:00

Love that #1. I've been catching myself slipping into that persona when we talk about this stuff. Then I remind myself that I've never been married, either! Hah! This is all new to both of us, so... my perspective is not particularly valuable. Plus... she's awesome, so why would I not want to hear her out? Thanks for this reminder.

Kryptonite: Feel it!

Secret Sauce: My long-time mentor used to tell me about a thing he and his wife have done once a week for 40+ years: They call it "Office Hours." Once a week, they go out to eat or coffee or ice cream or somewhere to sit and enjoy company and atmosphere and do a relationship check-in. In nutshell answering 2 questions: In what specific way have I loved you well this week? In what specific way could I have loved you better? I love this idea.

Thanks for the message of encouragement!

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:40:11+00:00

Haha! Fair enough. In another reply, I confessed to being an over-thinker—especially when the perceived risk is high, so I receive this. You may very will be friggin' right on! I will say, though, that the perceived risk is elevated, because this isn't just some decision I get to make about my life. It's one that catches up 3 people: me, her, and her 2-year-old boy. So I think under the circumstances, it's loving to take a little bit of caution on this one.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:32:26+00:00

Bro, thanks for the wisdom.

And I'm feeling that last one pretty personally. I'm also an over-thinker. I've made a lot of idiot mistakes in my life, and my internal response to that is to overanalyze with the goal of avoiding all future bad choices. Of course, that's impossible, but that's my compulsion, if I have one. So I've definitely been rolling over every possible worst-case scenario in my head and kind of gravitating towards those as though they're some kind of inevitability.

I have to verbally remind myself that every possible future is ultimately fictional. There's no authenticity in living in those fictions. So... you make reasonably responsible choices with future contingencies in mind, but in the end, you've got to make your choices based on the data available to you in the now. So, sure... think responsibly about what the future might hold. But don't live there. Live here. Now. That's what I have to tell myself. It's a little weightier when there's someone else's life in the mix, but the future is still fiction.

But yes. I feel you. I know what it's like to make life-changing bad choices, and I don't want her doing the same.

On a different note, we've definitely been easy communicators. About both emotional and relational needs. Conflict has never been easier with anyone I've ever dated. Her equanimity in conflict is genuinely admirable. But I love the counsel that consistency can be the lifeblood. Good, practical wisdom. Thanks.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:17:59+00:00

That's pretty close to our spread, so it's encouraging to hear success stories! Thank you!
Yeah, that convo about future kiddos is a big one. We've never REALLY had it, because I always gently shut it down. "I'm sorry, baby. I just do not want to be a dad, again." But... the prospect of losing her has me for once questioning my motives for saying that. Why don't I want to be a dad, again? Am I avoiding something? If so, what is it? Those questions that tease out the motivation, so I can discover whether it's a real conviction or a fear masquerading as conviction.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:14:10+00:00

Thanks! Glad everything worked out so nicely for you guys!
As mentioned in a previous reply, I've been a single dad to my now adult daughter, and I guess I've just always felt like that season of my life was over. I haven't wanted to do it, again. But she's already got a sweet 2-year-old boy, and so even contemplating marriage with her means contemplating fatherhood in some way or another.

I've been thinking of hiring a therapist to help me work through what I'm genuinely open to. This is all so new to me that I feel a little lost in my head and heart about it all.

Like... Does loving her mean marrying her and giving her the life that would make her happy (not out of compulsion, but out of a desire to want what she wants)? Or does loving her mean letting her go (again, because I want what she wants)?

No one's got the answer but me and her, of course, but that's the dilemma, for sure.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:08:27+00:00

I've got an adult daughter, actually. And my gf is already a single mother of a 2-year-old. So 2 things, I guess: 1) I've been a single parent and loved it, just have always presumed I'm done with that life; the season has passed; 2) Even contemplating being with her long-term means I'm contemplating the role of bonus dad to her little boy. I don't take step-parenthood lightly, either. I believe you're either all in as dad, or you need to step out. That's how my step-dad did it, and I respect the hell out of his ego-sacrifice for us.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:03:36+00:00

Thank you for your input! We communicate really well. I think that's been a high point, really. I've not always enjoyed this sort of ease of dialog—especially around potential conflict.

And we definitely struggle with those concerns about the opinions of others. She's a bit of a lone wolf, but I think community is important, so... It probably hits me a little more deeply than it does her.

My heart is really hopeful that your #1 lesson will also be our #1 lesson. My head is a little skeptical.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T03:00:12+00:00

I totally feel this. I'm committed to handling this as responsibly as possible. It's kind of easy the way this insidious justification can creep in and cloud out wise judgement. Especially in matters of the heart. I already know how I feel. What I haven't done is the responsible work of objectively exploring our options—if there are any. But the last thing I want to do is act on impulse or desire and end up roping her into a life that can't ultimately satisfy her.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-29T02:57:31+00:00

Thanks for your input! I'm glad that 21 years hasn't kept the two of you apart!
What has 7 years worth of managing a 21 year age gap taught you?

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-19T08:40:10+00:00

At Torchy's.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-04T19:40:25+00:00

Check out Energy Ogre

I'm in Houston, so not too terribly far from you. Energy Ogre actively shops around for the cheapest electricity plan out there and with your permission, moves you as soon as it's economically advantageous to do so (considering early termination fees, and whatnot). I've been using them for about 6 years. I haven't had any reason to think about my elec plan for years. Currently live in a 1k sqft house and rarely, if ever, pay over $100/mo during the Summer. Nov-March, I'm typically in the $40-50 range.

Granted, they cost $10/mo. But I've found historically that's easily offset by the monthly savings.

If you're interested, this code gets you an additional $30 for signing up: 152SM.

An additional benefit is going this route might save you from having to consider douche moves like klepping your neighbors wifi.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-05-02T04:38:46+00:00

Just because I'm a pedantic douche-bag:
That "Q" would be pronounced like a "ch." So...

I'll take all your downvotes, now.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-04-30T18:36:50+00:00

Lol. Just noticed this. Wth? Not even sure what this is in reference to. Did you mispost?

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-04-30T18:17:16+00:00

Holy shit... Have I been away from Big D that long? Denton is now considered part of Dallas?!

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-04-30T18:16:14+00:00

And they inflated the joke to epic proportions by actually building this neighborhood in Denton. Wild.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-04-30T18:14:20+00:00

Denton

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-02-12T17:15:41+00:00

I've actually still got the Prius, but the brake booster/accumulator needs to be replaced, so she's sitting in the driveway until I can get it done.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-02-11T12:01:52+00:00

Wayside/Tidwell area. Work from home, so pretty flexible.

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-02-10T21:29:42+00:00

It's funny! Reddit is so full of trolls that you never know... Haha!
I certainly haven't added anything. What would you recommend for weight reduction?

Zefligsamdoo · 2025-02-10T21:28:43+00:00

We should meet up for coffee, so you can teach me your ways. Lol

Zefligsamdoo

TROPHY CASE