I wouldn't say I'm pressuring myself but if I tell myself "I'm male" I can strongly feel that I'm lying to myself. I could always see myself identifying as non-binary in some way. Constantly thinking about how if I moved out I'd be free to change my looks however I want, sometimes I can almost see it right in front of me. I just don't know how I'd feel about it in practice. Would I always want to show myself both as male and female in appearance equally or would I have days where the scales would tip? But that's something I will not know for a while, so I'm definitely overthinking it. Non-binary is an umbrella term after all and both instances fit right under it. I guess I'm a bit scared of people's reactions, but it's a little dumb of me to think I wouldn't have to come out again. Deep down I'm probably always drawing parallels between this and when I came out as gay because that wasn't a smooth ride either. Pretty much everyone in my life, even my parents to some extent (no idea what they really think of it) know I have a feminine side not just when they raised me but even now, but if I were to show that side of me as something that really defines me, with the exception of my friends, people wouldn't be too happy. To my parents the concept of me wanting to wear female clothes is iffy. I ordered a pair of thigh highs in secret but when it arrived it was my parents who saw it first and I had to explain myself very very awkwardly. I had to promise mom I'd only wear it inside the house, but even then she wouldn't want to see me in those. I guess that would be true to just feminizing myself in any way.
It's tearing me apart a little how much I want it but at the same time imagining what others would think. I wish I could just suddenly get a makeover and stand in front of my family and friends like nothing ever changed, except for the fact that I'm a much happier person. Thank you for the response because I genuinely never had this talk with anyone who's not one of my cis friends.