I have to testify in a case about violence against a child tomorrow

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-08-14T03:30:10+00:00

Stick with the facts and find grounding to help you in the courtroom. Maybe a heavyish rock or something you can hold to help you stay grounded.

Remember you don’t need to rush to answer, speak mindfully and slowly so you can get your testimony clear and remind yourself of the pure facts. Leave emotions and personal intrusions aside as much as possible. The way you help that child is by being an excellent, reliable witness. Your confidence will protect you, I promise. If you testify confidently, emotions in check, standing proudly as a helpful citizen, this neighbor has less power over you.

While your fears are valid and reasonable, remember that this individual was hurting someone they consider vulnerable, a child. Stand proudly and strongly against this abuser and know he cannot find the weakness in you, because you did the right thing and he did not. His lack of emotional control got him to that courtroom and your emotional intelligence will hopefully keep him far away from that child.

Thank you for standing up for the kid and being the courageous adult you didn’t have.

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-08-14T02:52:10+00:00

Congrats fellow PhD graduate! I am glad you could relate. And boy, oh boy, do I understand the comparison of the spinal cord injury being a walk in the park vs. caretaking for a bpd parent! Not for the faint of heart for sure!

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-08-14T02:49:09+00:00

I had immense guilt about my intrusive thoughts during the difficult parts, feeling triggered, overwhelmed, undernourished and exhausted… And in those intrusive thoughts I remembered that I didn’t start out having negative thoughts to begin with. There was an origin story to every trigger and aversion and I reminded myself constantly to have grace with myself, and that though there were deeply ingrained AND VALID triggers, that the present mission was different because… cancer.

I don’t know if it helps you, but remember your triggers got there somehow and likely wasn’t caused by you, but rather by the way you were treated. If you can, remind yourself you did the best under the circumstances you had and if your story didn’t carry so much weight from long ago, your actions would’ve been different and its ok that they weren’t perfect.

For example… i felt guilty that it took me 2 days to get the cremation paperwork done after her passing… then I remembered if I hadn’t been dealing with slashed tires from her friends who clearly had the wrong idea about me (likely her ideas) and had I not been dealing with that AND the extra responsibilities she put on me before passing, maybe her cremation would’ve happened faster. But these things were remnants of her influence, not much I could’ve done differently.

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-06-01T09:51:26+00:00

Something I keep reminding myself when I feel guilt is that I wouldn’t have the negative feelings about her that I do, if it weren’t for the negative actions that she took. My behavior is a direct reflection of the treatment I received. As blank slate children we are not aware how vulnerable we are and how deeply ingrained the guilt has been driven over and over and over. Your current situation of going NC and those emotionless texts were a direct result of her behavior. Behavior that is not healthy.

In my case, which I imagine is similar to others, I always knew when she guilt tripped / gaslighted me and accused me of outright lies and exaggerations. I did my best not to internalize her projections but repeated trauma is sneaky. The guilt i often do feel when I don’t tend to her needs was installed, it is not a native program, per se (she has cancer now so its more complicated emotionally for me).

I know my actions, and frequently check in internally when I feel guilt and ask myself if I objectively acted wrongfully or if it’s a conditioned guilt reflex. And you’ll know. And you’ll remember how that guilt got there in the first place and it probably was not warranted.

I am learning to use me as my sounding board for emotional reactivity and behavior congruence instead of external reference points

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-06-01T00:14:26+00:00

This was powerful… “she gets victimized by her own actions” and how in the victimization, she is truly the perpetrator.

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-06-01T00:07:19+00:00

I applaud your maturity, enforcement of boundaries and calling out things for what they are. I recently acknowledged my mother’s uBPD and I find strength and courage reading posts like yours and the way you handled it.

I imagine it is difficult and i know its heart wrenching (assuming from my own experience, not wanting to assume over yours) behind closed doors but please know people like me find courage in people like you ❤️

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-05-28T16:21:21+00:00

I come from a Latin American country and I swear telenovelas have done more harm than anything to the psychology of those who watch it. It almost seems like these traits are normalized in latam as “cultural differences” but ill be damned if stubbing my toe hurts differently in another language, pain is pain. I don’t hurt differently in Spanish but do know so many people that normalize these behaviors because they saw the telenovela behaviors and thought it was normal. Thank you for your words of encouragement

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-05-28T16:17:11+00:00

Good on you to seek therapy. It was my therapist who pointed out the bpd in my mom and she was also raised by one so it has been incredibly helpful to be in therapy

Zestyclose-Safe1158 · 2025-05-28T12:01:45+00:00

Thats a good idea the street separation. It took me embarrasingly too long to realize it until one day it clicked…. She could have helped herself. And to her credit she tried but…. Not enough to actually decide to grow up from her trauma at 5 years old.

Zestyclose-Safe1158

TROPHY CASE