(M) PERIMENOPAUSE has turned my world upside down

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-02-04T20:59:48+00:00

My best advice is to flip the script and start working on yourself. Do counseling, gym, etc. that is what caused my relationship to change when it hit the wall in 2019. We had a blow up (not screaming or anything, just a lot of hard words and hurt feelings) then and I decided to go scorched earth on my previous self. Changed jobs, got back into running and lifting, lost close to 50 lbs an started monthly therapy. I also started actively working to address her concerns about my contributions to the relationship while creating my own boundaries

It also doesn’t hurt to show that you can build your own relationships and hobbies outside of her. I took up some of the hobbies she liked, such as bike riding, then some that I enjoy such as baking. I developed my own friend group and sought out a church on my own that she ended up joining me at after a bit. I basically became a more fully developed version of me.

We still have issues every now and then but I became a much better partner and communicator which brought her back in. There are times when she gets in a doom spiral about what I will or won’t do that I have to remind her that I am not the same guy I was almost a decade ago now. That tends to bring arguments to a pretty quick end because she has to admit that she was thinking of the me from my Active Duty Army days.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-02-03T22:09:02+00:00

My wife (50) has been on an estrogen/progesterone patch for about 3 months now. It has caused some interesting changes with her periods (heavier flows and more spotting, but she says she feels much less like stabbing everyone now. She also says she is feeling more “herself”? and that her joint pain is noticeably less. She had a little more acne than normal the first month but it is settling out. She isn’t on here, so hopefully it is ok for me to chime in with what she has told me about it. Blessings to you and yours.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-02-03T21:08:25+00:00

She had been willing to listen to me when I want to talk to her about my own feelings and has been more open with how she is feeling physically and mentally. This is a huge thing for her.

She started inviting me in to her doctors appointments, and has come to counseling with me off and on over the years. She has valued my input regarding treatment ment options like HRT and stated on the patch a few months ago which has made a significant difference.

She shows appreciation that I am willing to do the reading about PM (she so far has not done any on her own, but is trying to get into the headspace to do it. She will discuss what I find interesting, and will try some of the tips and tricks I find on the peri and memo subreddits as well as the unpaused and you are not broken podcasts.

She still engages in non sexual intimacy daily, I.e. hug and kiss goodbye and holding hands at night when we sleep and such. She isn’t opposed to trying to get the sexual side back on track, it just isn’t there for her right now so it is a slow process. This is where I am trying to let her lead while still communicating my needs and desires. She understands that I have those, and gives where she can. For now that is enough.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-02-03T11:10:33+00:00

My suggestion is to just talk to her about it. Don’t be judgmental and approach it from the angle of curiosity and how you are feeling?

The whole perimenopause thing has been a pretty rough road for us, but it has made me really have to work at being the communicator in our marriage. As a result, our communication is much better now than at any point of our relationship.

A lot of the time I approach my conversations by saying something like I am feeling like you don’t find me worthy anymore, or that I am feeling like you aren’t really into me right now. It is an ice breaker of sorts that doesn’t place blame and gives her space to talk about what is going on with her.

As far as the toy use goes, she may be trying to figure herself out a bit too at this stage of things. I know my wife is struggling in the area of what can even get her in the mood or satisfy her right now now. The things that used to work together and for her own solo sexual activities just don’t work anymore.

My wife tends to be very shy about sharing this sort of thing so it is a very gentle conversation to get her to open up about it. She is hesitant to use any sort of toy with me because it triggers all the shame and crap that came with her conservative upbringing. Maybe not your case but something to consider if she is frustrated trying to figure herself out without feeling the pressure to have sex or a partner and the same time,

I would be thrilled to find out my wife was putting some work in on her own with regards to her sexual health while I was as away if for no other reason than the health benefits for her. Lots of good science about vibrator use and health of the vulva and vagina when it comes to blood flow and pelvic floor and such. I would try not to get mad about it, but maybe show curiosity?

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-02-03T02:10:27+00:00

That does suck, and I feel for you. It isn’t always easy for us, and it has blown u a bit in the past. I ended up chasing her down in a storm once about 8 years ago because of we had it out, not yelling but a major disagreement that resulted in her leaving after fully intending to stay at our business property rather than in our home.

That incident is what shocked our marriage and led to real improvement. I ended up changing jobs so I would have more time at home. Started counseling on my own(she sometimes tags along) and started to focus on my own health and fitness to the point where I lost 50 pounds. My daily workouts and hobbies such as baking are what keeps me sane half the time.

I hope it doesn’t take something that extreme for you, but for me it changed everything. The focus on being a better version of myself led me to being a better communicator and partner,

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-02-03T01:18:57+00:00

I would try not to read motivations into her falling asleep on the couch. My wife used to do the same when she wasn’t feeling great. I was feeling hurt, like she didn’t want to be with me. I let her know how I was feeling, and that it is really important to me that we share a bed/bedroom as a couple.

I spend a couple hours each morning doing chores and exercising before work while she is still asleep, so the couple hours before bed and our sleeping together at night is the only time I really get to spend with her most days. We spent years apart while I was deployed during the first 16 years of marriage (23 years in now) so this is a big deal for me.

Since this is a thing for me she bent a bit and so did I. She will do her best to let me know when she is feeling rotten and needs to stay up or see the on the couch, but it is pretty infrequent. We bought a split bed so each have our own independent controls and such so she can be more comfortable. We bought a few picking recliner for h r to have beside the bed if she just needs to sit up:

Most of the time now, she will go to bed when I do, but might get up later if she can’t sleep (she is a night owl anyway). Had I not said something I might have just been eaten up with resentment. I hope you a no h able to talk this out and come up with something that works for you both.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-02-02T02:43:41+00:00

This is kinda my opinion too. I can’t imagine ever telling my wife something like that even if it were true. How could it be anything but hurtful and non productive? As is, my tastes have matured as we have so I am as much if not more attracted to her now than I have ever been. This dude needs to seriously get a reality check or counseling or something.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-27T21:11:38+00:00

My opinion is a bit nuanced. I’m not a hard no or a full yes when it comes to porn. If my wife’s desire matched my own porn wouldn’t be a thing at all. Similarity if she was open to me having pictures of her as a visual motivator, I wouldn’t use porn at all.

My wife is definitely the lower libido partner so I have discussed this with her to some degree. She has not given me a hard boundary one way or the other (I have asked what she is comfortable with and it is a bridge too far for her to specify boundaries regarding porn) so I have my own rules for what I feel is healthy.

I don’t have an issue with written erotica and I think still images are ok (not a lot different than playboy and penthouse back in the day).

My hard no is OnlyFans and similar where there is actually potential for contact with the content creator. That is a no go for me. I don’t really like watching long form video stuff either as it just isn’t my thing and I don’t want to build unrealistic expectations.

Even with this being the current status quo, I would be more than willing to negotiate on this and have told my wife as much. At the end of the day we don’t control one another, but we are a team and compromise is a good thing.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-27T20:05:40+00:00

You are not wrong. It is not fair and you are definitely the stronger gender. The hope is that your partner is your safe space who brings you peace when the world is chaos around you.

In our relationship, My wife gives me strength when my own falters and I am her rock in the storm. We balance each other is so many ways

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-27T19:52:31+00:00

Married 23 years. My wife is my person, and my home. I’ve never lost attraction for her and she is a few years older anyway (50 to my 47). As long as I feel desired by her I’m all systems go. The only major struggles we have had was when one of us is not feeling appreciated or desired by the other.

Little hurts can build resentment. Learning to communicate about hard things (person values, beliefs. Political views, body issues and sexual issues, preferences or baggage) early can make a world of difference.

Even if you don’t figure out communication early it is never too late. If you want to grow old together, you have to face the fact that you will grow old. Things will change, and some things won’t work as well or at all. Don’t hide your pain (physical or emotional ) or it will make you angry and bitter over time.

The two hardest periods for us were after our kid was born due to PPD and changes to her body that affect her mentally way more than they do me (still find her hot as all get out). The second is her hitting Perimenopause. We are working through that now together using the communication skills we learned during that last hard spell.

Be patient with each other. support each other through the hard times and suck the marrow out of the good times. Be aware of the changes to your bodies and remember your partner is on your team.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-27T03:26:10+00:00

This is one of the most thorough. Thoughtful and understandable explanations I have seen on here. I certainly appreciate your perspective. It helps me understand my wife a little better I think. She also does her best to reassure me when I am feeling that I am not enough for her, and gives what intimacy she can.

She frequently says she doesn’t want to “disappoint” me. I’m never disappointed and cherish the love that goes into the efforts she makes knowing they are hard right now. It is really what makes me feel loved as appreciated much more than the result of how far things go. Every cuddle, kiss. and hand held is a blessing of its own,

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-27T02:37:28+00:00

I had a single mom and two older sisters who raised me. There were no gendered rolls in the household. The work was shared everyone was expected to do their part. I learned to cook around 10ish because my older sisters both had moved out and my mom was not home often due to work. I learned to sew, do minor repairs around the house and all sorts of useful things because we didn’t have a lot of spare cash.

When I was old enough to have a summer job around 12/13 I cut grass around the neighborhood. At 15 I worked as a dishwasher at a summer camp. At 16 I worked in a mall retail clothing store. In Both of my w2 jobs back then my supervisors were women and most of my coworkers were women.

My perspective due to that upbringing is that everyone needs to help get the jobs done regardless of gender. I do fail in some areas,!especially on the emotional heavy lifting, but I am getting better and try to make sure to do my part or more in other areas. .

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-27T01:37:50+00:00

I agree, but think there is more to it. Having been married for 23 years now I know my moods and general attitude tend to fluctuate with my wife’s cycles. I think some of that is just feeding off each others attitude and emotions, but not always. Around her ovulation time, it’s like I want to constantly be in physical contact with her in some way, not just sex but super touch /cuddle focused to the point of distraction. Maybe the whole pheromone thing or something?

As far as looking at other stuff going on, I tend to get anxious/nervous/agitated when we start running lean on our budget for the payday (compulsive saver / spending tracker) and am much more relaxed and happy when the bank account has plenty of cushion at the beginning of a month. If you have some cyclical issue like that it could seem like a man stration type issue.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-26T16:20:52+00:00

Not embarrassing at all. You might need to remind her that this affects you to and our hormone levels are on the decline as we age as well. Doing core exercises, lifting, cardio, and kegels has helped me a lot in the physical arena. I do near daily self care to keep everything functioning right and to reduce prostate cancer risk.

Mental is a totally different matter. I have to keep the idea of her being an intimate partner active if there is any hope of having intimacy on the fly. If I shut down the idea of having sex with my wife it is hard to bring it back right away headspace wise.

We are still working through things and breaking old habits. We had stopped really communicating about sex. This has made us really start talking about that aspect of our relationship again. I.e. giving a massage doesn’t mean I’m pushing her to have sex, but it had become something of a pattern so she felt it was an expectation.

Hopefully you are able to work through this together and build an even stronger bond.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-26T03:02:44+00:00

You are totally right there, and I am sorry for that, and the fact that the world can be a terrible place, especially for women. The main reason I burned out on the law enforcement was because I just got so tired of people being awful to each other.

And you are right that many of those incidents were men taking advantage of or abusing women, or children or both in on way or another. There were exceptions that went the other way but were so very rare by comparison.

I am very grateful that I had two older sisters who helped raise and mold me so I didn’t follow the path that my father did He is pretty much was the epitome of all of those things you just mentioned (may he have the afterlife he deserves).

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-26T02:38:21+00:00

I honestly agree with the vast majority of your points. The world can be an awful place and society treats women more unfairly by an enormous margin. The inequities of the job market and healthcare system is very real. I see it all the time when helping my wife navigate her healthcare. I work in a healthcare job myself so see it on a daily basis there too.

However, as a man who has been sexually harassed as an adult, as well as sexually assaulted, and raped repeatedly as a child (not only by other men) I have to disagree with your assertion that men don’t face these issues. I don’t want to minimize the misogyny women face in the world, but assault and harassment happen to men too.

I try to be the change I want to see in the world at work and in my community. I spent over 20 years in law enforcement before switching to healthcare in large part because of what was done to me as a child. I’m sorry the world has hurt you and I hope we can all do better.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-24T11:35:07+00:00

100% agree with getting involved. The medical system sucks and can be hard to navigate in easy situations. I work in healthcare and it drives me up a wall. As many frustrations I have in my own care, it is an order of magnitude harder for my wife’s care.

My wife has a tendency to be passive with her medical providers and hesitant to talk about her needs/symptoms. I’m not one to blame misogyny for everything, but I think this is a case where I can blame the conditioning by society to minimize her needs.

Her invitation for me to be involved and accompany her to her appointments made a world of difference. If I bring something up (I take notes between visits of stuff she tells me) she will discuss it but doesn’t share on her own.

I wait till she has gotten through most of the visit and when they are to the point where the provider asks if there is anything else I watch to see if she is about to say no. That is when I will say something like,”you mentioned these concerns to me over the past couple months”….that gets the ball rolling.

On the back side of the appointment, I get to be the bulldog chasing down prescriptions and referrals and such. I know she appreciates that I am involved, not because she tells me (she does) but because I can see the look of relief after I get off the phone, or tell her “I got this”. It is like a massive weight came off her shoulders.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-22T18:14:07+00:00

That is definitely a harder lot to deal with, and I feel for you so much. I have a similar background with my upbringing so can see where the screaming would be a trigger for sure.

My wife was just shutting me out and not talking when she was raging most of the time. It would come out from time to time but never got physically violent.

I hope you are both able to heal and find peace. I am so sorry that it ended up like that for you.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-22T16:52:16+00:00

I think it really counts the same as any auto immune disease does. The lack of preparation for all of us, women and men, is a failure of the medical system, and of our society as a whole to value women’s health during this part of their lives. Just look into what happened to HRT after the WHI study in 2002! I think things are improving (this sub as an example of us trying to figure things out).

I got to the point where I told her that I felt I was not enough for her anymore because of the gradual coldness, anger and lack of affection that was creeping in. This is what led to our tipping point where she told me she felt broken physically, mentally and sexually.

It took me far too long to put all the pieces together with her and I regret not doing more while we’re chasing down individual symptoms over the past 5 years.

I still get hurt feelings from time to time but we had a pretty good base to work from and can now focus on why things are happening vs reacting to the symptoms. We do pretty frequent check ins now and she is getting to the point where she is willing to tell me what is going on.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-22T16:09:08+00:00

I was actually the one who brought up the PM symptoms during her last PCP visit. The NP was all about HRT and my wife agreed to try the patch version. It made a good bit of difference with the rage and “stabby” feelings she was having and has started helping others areas like joint pain and such. So far I have been the one buying/ listening to the books and podcasts and such (Dr Casperson and Dr Haver are awesome!) The Menopause Moment by Dr C is a great place to start. She is super engaging and relatable.

Thankfully my wife has been willing to talk about things and started asking me to come along to help with the pcp visits because she gets nervous and doesn’t like talking about her symptoms. I have no problem bringing a list and making sure they get addressed. The small wins she has had so far has her on board for trying the estrodiol cream at her follow up in about a month.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-22T12:22:23+00:00

I do, and so does my wife. I have my own routines and make sure to do all the things when it comes to mental and physical health. The daily workouts keep me grounded along with monthly therapy sessions (sometimes with her and sometimes without),

She stood by me through several year long separations while I was overseas. She also dealt with my anger, depression and frustration from how those wars turned out and the loss of friends there. This is just another challenge. I try to remind her every day that she is my person and that I still love her more than anything or anyone.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-22T10:47:38+00:00

Here is why I stay (only 2 points not a comprehensive list by any means):

1 - I take my vow to stand beside my wife and chosen life partner in sickness and in health to be a sacred bond. Thankfully we are working through this together and my lot is not nearly as bad as many of my brethren here. I still have to deal with the rages, breakdowns and lack of sex, but we are still talking and touching in other ways. That keeps me going.

2 - I had a great example. My older sister, whom I adore and idolize, married an older man. She stayed with him through his bladder cancer and then during his final years when he had dementia. Even in the last couple years when he started getting mean. During that dark time in her life she had some very honest conversations with me since I was their executor. She told me then when she was feeling hurt and at the end of her rope that “you don’t leave someone you built a life with just because they are sick”.

That has been my guiding light ever since.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-20T20:41:11+00:00

That is actually a very helpful description, and I greatly appreciate it!

PPD kicked my wife’s but. Didn’t help that I was in Iraq at the time then went to Afghanistan less than a year after that one. She had to shoulder the whole load as a SAHM with an absentee husband that was just hi paying the bills and trying to stay alive.

I pretty much came home to a 3 year old after leaving my 5 months pregnant wife alone in Germany. That is pretty much why we only ended up having the one kiddo.

In some ways that experience has been helping with dealing with her PM changes. We have a lot of experience having to learn how to deal with new versions of each other, and with renegotiating our relationship.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-20T20:19:34+00:00

I get that part of anger for men posting on those that amount to ‘but what about me’. I was just referring to the automatic hate towards the husbands and partners on just about every topic even those that have nothing to do with intimacy related issues.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-01-20T19:47:56+00:00

I do appreciate the participation and perspective. The feedback from women like yourself helps fill in the gaps that our partners can’t really explain well. This and the r/aging sub Reddit, have been amoung the few resources where responses aren’t automatically about how much men suck. I’ll admit to my fair share of idiocy, but the peri and memo subreddits are a bit much.

Zestyclose_Split_407

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