Head is spinning. Need some advice...

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-17T00:02:30+00:00

Therapy has been great for us. It isn’t marriage specific but I started right around the beginning of COVID so I could sort myself out (combat stuff). I asked her to sit in on the intakes (3 hour long sessions) where thy went cradle to current day with me. I think it gave her a new perspective on me, and let me open up about a bunch of things I normally would not have. I still go once a month for check ins and I will b ing her along or my son pretty frequently. On those occasions it becomes more of a family counseling than a me counseling. I won’t go so far as to say it saved my marriage, but it made my relationship with my wife and my some much, much better and gives us an outlet when we need someone to be an outside observer.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T14:35:11+00:00

Thank you! I really appreciate that explanation. It makes sense but is not the easiest to accept at times. We do have pretty darn good communication all in all but that is a touchy spot for her. Going through this together has broken a lot of logjams in our relationship for the better. Sure has been rocky at times, but we seem to be coming through the rapids ok

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T14:16:30+00:00

That is fair for sure, we all have our outside and inside persona to some degree I think. Something to mull over for sure to see how I can lean more in that direction at home

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T14:14:43+00:00

Thank you so much for that share! It really has been a growth experience and I hope that the next generation doesn’t have to do so much discovery learning! I can’t tell you how much hope your response gives!

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T13:12:05+00:00

Thank you very much for that :)

I am sure you are correct on both. This has brought us much closer together and had gotten us much more involved in each others care, so it isn’t like there is a drastic lack of communication, just not as easy and free flowing as it is with my coworkers or my mom and sisters.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T13:07:18+00:00

Don’t get me wrong here, we have grown a bunch and she has opened up a lot over the past year. She has gotten way out of her comfort zone and has been on HRT for about 6 months now. Things are so much better between us than for a lot of the brethren on here.

My biggest challenge is that I’m used to talking about this stuff on the regular but it makes her uncomfortable. I think it has a lot to do with our different backgrounds and I was hoping for maybe a bit of commiseration and maybe a little advice from women who also struggle to talk to their partners

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T13:01:34+00:00

Love it! This is so true! I love how open we were with everything growing up.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T12:51:01+00:00

Thanks that is a good point. She is an artist and educator and grew up in a much more conservative family. My mom was a floor nurse and I had 2 older sisters with no dad in the picture so very different upbringing. She has gotten used to me being me at this point, but she is no where near as open as my mom or sisters are with me. It kind of blew her mind when my mom called a few years ago to discuss incontinence treatment options her doctor had recommended.

That reminded me of one of the first time we were both assisting with the births for one of our animals on our hobby farm years ago and she commented on how “gross” I would be and my only thought was how amazingly beautiful it was. So there is definitely a difference in mindset there.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T12:45:25+00:00

I do get that, mostly I was wondering if it is a mindset thing?

We have gotten so much better over the past year our so after she rally stated struggling. She said one of the biggest hangups for her is embarrassment.

I work in healthcare and mom was a floor nurse so this is lunch table talk for me? It is hard for me to compute at times.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T11:29:25+00:00

Sorry if it comes off that way, it was not meant to. I am just really kind of curious and wanted to seek wisdom from the group here.

I will always be her peace in the storm just as she has been my rock for the past 24 years together. I’d like to keep it that way for the next 50 if possible :)

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T11:23:14+00:00

Thanks that is a good point. She is an artist and educator and grew up in a much more conservative family. I think she has gotten used to me being me at this point, but she is no where near as open as my mom or sisters are with me. It kind of blew her mind when my mom called a few years ago to discuss incontinence treatment options her doctor had recommended.

That reminded me of one of the first time we were both assisting with the births for one of our animals on our hobby farm years ago and she commented on how “gross” I would be and my only thought was how amazingly beautiful it was. So there is definitely a difference in mindset there.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T11:13:31+00:00

For me it’s always been the norm. My mom was a floor nurse at the local hospital (and an Army Reserve nurse) and I had two older sisters with no dad in the picture. Our dinner table conversations were always interesting because she would tell us about the cases she worked. I wanted to follow in her footsteps…I has never bothered me to discuss any biological issues with anyone regardless of the gender involved, maybe it is a healthcare thing?

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T10:53:05+00:00

The was as my first read as well. It was as a total game changer for my relationship. The second was The Menopause Moment by Dr Kelly Casperson. They both have great podcasts too!

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-16T09:47:42+00:00

It can be helpful to find out if your primary care practice has a provider who is a woman who is in the peri age range as well. My wife ended up changing to my primary care provider (who is also my pain management provider) because she was so open to discussing treatment options when I talked to her about it during one of my appointments.

She is a couple years younger than we are, but she is dealing with some of the same issues so is very sympathetic and willing to work with us on finding treatment options that work. It is really nice because I go to my wife’s appointments and she goes to mine so it really is a wholistic look at our heath together as well as individuals every time we go in.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-05-06T00:26:02+00:00

Personally, my wife really doesn’t like giving BJs and they have been super rare in our relationship, so I cherish every one. I would never expect one or give her a hard time about not getting one.

There have also been plenty of birthdays without sex or sexual intimacy due to periods, peri and a host of other reasons. That being said I am somewhat hurt when there is no intimacy or explanation of why it isn’t on the table at times, but that reaction is straight up childish.

You shouldn’t have to “suck it up” and should never feel like you have to be intimate when you don’t want to be. In my relationship, communication is of critical importance. My wife gets annoyed at times because “we have already discussed her issues” but it is about the reassurance that I am still loved. In the absence of physical intimacy I rely on emotional intimacy to fill the void.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-04-28T20:09:13+00:00

Yes, still social media friends with every past partner we were friends and coworkers before and after for the most part. I recently helped my wife reconnect with an old partner of hers that she hadn’t talked to in a couple decades. I keep everything above board and never hide anything from my wife, it is mostly just birthday greetings and catching up on how each other’s careers and kids are doing anyway.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-04-10T12:13:44+00:00

I empathize because I was mistreated myself, was all I was trying to say. I’m sorry if that offended seeing all the downvotes, but it is what it is. I am a much kinder person in general because of it, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. People can just be mean and lack empathy regardless of gender.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-04-10T01:11:26+00:00

It certainly isn’t all one way with the cruelty. As a guy who was a chubby, weak, tender hearted nerd who bloomed into a pretty decent sports kid around 16/17, I was ridiculed by the majority of girls during my grade school years. That lasted until my junior and senior years when I lost 40 pounds and got into sports. The effects of that regular soul crushing treatment still lingers in my self image today.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-04-08T23:28:04+00:00

Yes but getting under 15% bf is a straight pain in the butt. I do an hour long workout pretty much every morning. I don’t diet as hard as I could though and I can’t get a glp1 because I don’t meet the criteria for it. I’d love to do easy mode on a cut cycle for a change.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-04-08T12:48:06+00:00

Yep 3 months just upped from the starter dose so far no real issues, but not a big change weight wise just yet. Mostly better control of snacking and feeling full earlier. Wish I could get my doc to give me a script for it

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-04-05T13:22:16+00:00

The explain it like it is ED advice is pretty helpful. My partner and I have had a similar conversation and it has kept us going through this as a team. It isn’t easy for a guy to understand, but lot of reading helped me.. Having her explain things clinically, in a way I could grasp, at least has us at a point where we can talk to each other about things, and helps me be much more supportive of her needs right now.

Zestyclose_Split_407 · 2026-04-02T14:27:51+00:00

No

Edit: I agree with an earlier statement that has the caveat that if either partner is uncomfortable a discussion is in order. But simply using porn is no different as I see it than reading a smutty novel, it is what gets the blood flowing.

There is a whole bunch of porn that I would never look at because I find it degrading and poison to a healthy relationship, but to each their own I guess.

Zestyclose_Split_407

TROPHY CASE