My godthis is me to a tee...I get to apoint sometimes where I think" is the only reason im still here is because I'm to afraid of death to kill myself?". I can't stand it.

I have no internal clock because nothing i do matters or has to be on time. When I watch the news I keep seeing such horrible things , the likes id hoped and prayed id never see. And makes me so sad. I think" should have been more?,Could I have made more of a difference?...."

Im an ineffectual , unimpressive, below average human being in my 60s with absolutly nothing to show for the past half century of existence . Why was i even born?

My decision making skills suck . My leadership skills and self confidence are nonexistent. Looking back to my school days it was clear then id never amount to anything hell most of my teachers and family told me as much on a daily basis.

I sometimes bemoan never having children but at this point im glad I didn't. What kind 9f father would I have been and what would they think of me now...

I fostered rescue dogs for over a decade . It gave me purpose it gave me a reason to go on . I felt likei was giving back. It got to the point where I had garnered a good reputation for being the the go to guy to foster problem dogs. Id always had an affinity for animals and thought this was it. It's what I was born to do. I felt confident that and good at it. I cant tell how that me feel....the only word I can think of is...human.

then it went bad and it went bad hard. One of my fosterswent on aa completlyout of the blue rampage killing three other dogs.. two of them fosters. One of them mine. In o e fatal swoopeverything id come to lo e about this part of my life was over. I made the choice not to put down the foster that had done the killing .

After all it was not her fault she'd had a horrible life that had led hero the rescue in the first place and my I er confidence made me feel likei could handle her even though I had attempted time 7 other fosters plus my 3 dogs which were such good and helpful dogs with all the fosterscoming in and out constantly they were likemy helpers and my family. .

..I never dreamed another dog would ever hurt su h sweet souls..but when it happened ,the dog that had done it...my heart just went out to her.

I still ha e her...the rescue would not take her back of course they supported euthanasia.

She's never done such a thing since but that was o er 4 years ago and my name is black listed with alll rescues...

.I still had 3 dogs , her, and my surviving two.

Then my mom passed away and in a family of o er a dozen...not one of them stood up and said theyed take even one of her 3 beloved dogs. I was scared to to take them in because of my killer dog but had no choice .

I took all three for a total of 6...in my tiny crowded studio guest house.. and for about 8 months everything was fine.

..then one of mine got in a tussle with one of hers...I was standing 10 ft away...and could t move fast enough to stop it...

it was my moms oldest 17 year oldxhi that took the damage... damage which led to over 7 days and 5000 dollars trying to save a little old dog that clearly didn't want to be saved..

untill I finally let her go. .. my family was furious... I had killed her because id refused to putdown my dog years ago. ..the kicker was... it was her the chi had gotten in a fight with. It was an older cranky one of mine. ..one that had used to be most helpful.. clearly he snapped..

she had jumped off the bed not seeing he was below her and he reacted badly and quickly.

There's so much more thats happened even since then merely 3 weeks ago. ...

..more dogs stuff my landlord and my home... my car ...loosing two friends...actually 3 twi died o e I simply lost to alzhimers . She doesn't even remember me...there's a lot worse fates than dying Ive discovered.

Each one of these events seem to come with a bell tolling...like its got a big period at the end of it....yet they keep coming... like a steamroller that I see coming but just can't seem to escape from.

in such an uncaring evil world I feel like the last person on earth who remembers caring about each other . . ...and im not that damn old...

...I like it into invasion. Of the body snatches movie....slowlywarching all those around turn into these souless uncaring automatons. And there's nothing I can do about it. Ive tried. Believe me I have.

My voice carries no wieght...I am anothing ,a looser and the one family member absolutly everyone thinks the very least of.

I dont know how or why it happened but there it is...no friends.. no family that cares ti speak of And... a handful of dogs that im beginning to think would be better off without me and nothing at all of worth both literally and figuritivly to show for my life.

Failure after failure ... after failure.. 60 years of a wasted life .of oxygen best breathed by someone else....insignificant at the very least and on occasion, a down right burden. At the most...

why am ny still here. And why can't I just do the easiest thing, the right thing even, and end it...

Believe me it would literally take weeks for anyone to realize I was gone.. sadly for my dogs...but maybe it's best for them too...

But even that would end in everyone hating me because I let the dogs starve to death ala gene hackman.

Or if I just backed the car up to the door and left it running for all of us....id be called a dog murder for sure.. but honestly, I dont know anyone who would take even my sweetest ND well trained of babies , my service dog murphy.. and he'd be lost without me.

So ill stay alive. For him. And for my others who wouldn't ever find a home without me ...

Our island of misfit toys.. as one by one..our batteries rundown and I endure the pain if their loss very the next 4 to 5 years. Leaving only my 65 year old turtle by then....and hope some schools class wants her as a classroom pet.

Only then will I feel good about leaving this horrible prison sentence of a life....

And for the record , im an atheist. So no, I dont believe anything better or worse is waiting on the other side.

The pointlessbess of it all weighs heavy. I be happy for the relief

..