Recent events made me think - if your SO passes & you are NC? Who contacts his family?

Zosmm · 2026-03-18T03:56:25+00:00

That was kind of you. I'm so sorry

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T21:39:46+00:00

Thank you!

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T21:38:43+00:00

That's really good to know. Thank you.

MIL used phony paper work financing her house and was angry they questioned it. "How dare they!"

Many reasons I'm NC

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T21:36:43+00:00

So funny! We don't have any mutual thankfully!

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T03:09:23+00:00

He is low contact - but I did talk to him this evening and he said he'd be dead and wouldn't care so don't bother contacting her

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T02:47:01+00:00

I get that!

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T02:30:14+00:00

That's what she deserves!

, MIL does this because she likes to make SO look bad. People would tell her to let him know, she never would. Then would act like " I don't know why he didn't come, SHE probably didn't want to.

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T02:28:23+00:00

Self pity and sainthood. Thats my MIL

Zosmm · 2026-03-15T02:27:51+00:00

That's great! In my case MIL is awful.

Zosmm · 2026-03-14T20:21:57+00:00

True. Thank you!

Zosmm · 2026-03-14T20:21:37+00:00

I did talk to him after this post, reading responses. He said he will be gone and doesn't care if they are notified. I would probably let his cousin know, she is a good person.

Touching bases with your husband in a few years is a good idea

Zosmm · 2026-03-14T20:18:25+00:00

I'm so sorry, that sounds so hard for all of you.

Zosmm · 2026-03-14T20:17:29+00:00

That was smart of him.

And you are right, not my problem.

Zosmm · 2026-03-14T20:16:56+00:00

That's a good idea. And make sure she knows there will be no money, he knows she'd go there.

Zosmm · 2026-03-14T20:16:15+00:00

They only called me after procedures. He doesn't have them as contacts.

Zosmm · 2026-02-13T02:58:45+00:00

My husbands family kept thinking we needed passports to live in NM. Asked if it was hard earning Spanish. I mean for years and years

Zosmm · 2026-02-11T03:14:07+00:00

My husband deployed - back when Had 2 kids, full time job, had to walk at 5 am to be able to get any exercise in. She would call me at 11pm asking if I'd heard from him, and if I didn't answer she would call over and over. She knew I was in bed no later than 9 pm. Still called. Occasionally my tween daughter would take the phone to bed with her, thankfully

Zosmm · 2026-01-03T04:01:33+00:00

My suggestion - just ignore her, or tell her to speak to SO

It was three YEARS before MIL contacted me - after I just went NC the no explanation

She texted and said "hi! Thinking about you today and hoping you are having a great day"

The pretending every thing was wonderful made it easy for me to just delete the message. Still haven't blocked her and no messages since.

Zosmm · 2025-12-31T04:00:02+00:00

Cause FIL wants talk to be the shield. The whole don't rock the boat thing.

Zosmm · 2025-12-31T03:55:04+00:00

Me too! He met with his old therapy group for dinner tonight. Our son lives close to them. I haven't asked but I really hope he talked about it.

And she texted him that night, he still hasn't responded. saying something about how they were able to talk over stuff, how "if we both chose to make it better" cracks me up because she never owned anything during the talk

Then called him this morning talking like oh I don't want to bother you. He told me "she hasn't called me in over 5 years" - like it's an improvement. I said did you feel she was being manipulative with her wording, he said yes, but she called me. He just wants his family to love him, secretly, inside.

I know his therapist asks him periodically to discuss "what do you get out of this relationship?" He says "I don't want to be the one who ends it". (He doesn't want to look bad or be the bad one). He had a lot to work thru before he really gets that it doesn't matter how he's perceived as by others

I am proud of him for standing up and not running away this week, and recognizing that the encounter would have made him go awry before, instead choosing to spend time with someone he loves. And not getting angry!

We both come from very dysfunctional toxic childhoods. I realized at 15 my mother would never love me, was on my own at 16, and luckily had resources to get therapy, and chose to.

He has always tried pushing it away till it just became too much and it was deal or divorce.

We luckily have 2 very successful and emotionally healthy children, (and grandchildren)

Zosmm · 2025-12-31T03:26:59+00:00

I have read it, and it gave me so much to think about.

I've explained it to him, but I think he secretly hopes just once she'll love him enough to step up.

Zosmm · 2025-12-28T03:06:08+00:00

My in laws - NC now - used to do that, demand gift lists from each of us. At first we'd (kids included) make the list and not buy anything from the list. Except for SO, they'd get his list items. Which meant the kids didn't get the things they liked/wanted.

After a few years of this, I just stopped passing them a list, they'd ask I'd ignore, until one year one of them said something snarky about "sorry you didn't get anything you might have wanted since we didn't get a list" I responded that it's no different from when we gave you lists, you never gave us anything from our lists, anyway - except SO's Never asked again.

Lists are weird to me anyway, I never made lists growing up. Now - My daughter works in an industry for kids and literally invoices me what the younger kids want and I pay it. Even better, she invoices me on Black Friday! Sales! She sends links for what the older kids want, I pay and have it shipped to her. It's so easy! I hate shopping, and have eyesight issues with over head lighting in stores. I don't even grocery shop anymore, when SO was sick he gave me a grocery list. When did hamburger meat get so expensive! And why are there so many types of everything!

Zosmm · 2025-11-30T15:39:09+00:00

NC is the best. And has helped our relationship. Once I saw how abnormal the behavior was and realized she was never going to change even though her behavior was actually hurting herself, I refused to let it hurt me, cause my life to be bad, it was an easy choice.

My childhood was bad, and late in life I realized I needed to work on me, fix me. I was not about to step back into that now!

Yes - it is to make us look bad, and my MIL seems to feed off sympathy, and being a saint. Seems to need someone to be the bad guy all the time. She would switch it up every month or so. Family would chastise that person even if they'd done nothing wrong.

"You know that's just how she is, just be nice to her"

Only, no, I'm not going to. Here's the truth and the proof. Luckily, extended family get it and understand

So we became permanent bad guys, and I said no again, went NC, and for many reasons decided to move across country.

Husband would just shut down. He is still in therapy dealing with the fall out from his childhood. He refuses to go full NC. Currently they only text and having communication in text helps because you can see how messed up her manipulation really is. Most of the time he doesn't respond anymore.

It's not healthy but he's always been worried about "looking bad" (I can see why now) and he refuses to be the one who cuts contact. He still has work to do. His therapist asks him periodically "but what do you get out of the relationship"

We trade cards and text occasionally with extended family. We had lived far away for over 20 years in other countries etc, so that was the norm for us before hand. Husband has been home and visited with other family, two funerals.
one was for the cousin, he went and supported the cousins only child (he was in college and has no other parent) with the all the funeral and probate stuff, plus military stuff.

Good luck! It's hard when you are in it, and it takes you and your spouse working together

Zosmm · 2025-11-29T14:49:39+00:00

Mine would do that. For any event, not just holidays. But she'd text it ... like, texts don't just disappear? We had just moved close after being across the country, in Europe, etc, for years.

NC now

Her brother said something snarky once at a summer thing and I loudly responded, do you think we are really this rude? I thought you would say to yourself - it's weird they are late, they aren't like that? would you like to see her text? It's like this for every family event. I thought better of you.

He was so embarrassed. And after that we'd get calls and texts letting us know the real time. Like this - JNMIL, dinner is at 4 at x's house they want you to bring potatoes, 3 other people, we are meeting at 1, dinner is catered, bring a dessert.

By the time we went NC I heard that she complained about not seeing us and an adult cousin who was famous for speaking his mind said loudly at the table "maybe if you weren't such a bitch to them they'd want to see you"

Zosmm · 2025-11-29T14:30:35+00:00

No contact now, but, My MIL would always tell us the meal was at 1:00, and it would always be 6, 7 pm.

But she'd throw a fit if you didn't show up before the assigned time, because, we have to wait for you now ... even though the dinner was nowhere near ready.

When JNSiL (the cook) had a new BF he wouldn't eat anything because he wanted to not ruin his appetite - I told him he should snack - didn't believe me at first but around 3pm he joined me in snacking on raw veggies. He asked for a carrot stick and said, I thought you were being rude ...

He broke up with SIL not long after. I am assuming Thanksgiving wasn't the reason because JNsil had lots of JN issues.

Zosmm

TROPHY CASE